Year in review

We are moving out of the old year while preparing very much to be in the new with some uncertainty about just how the first few months are likely to go.

Last year was very messy with us being very much locked down for a few months and very gradually restrictions coming off and places opening up such as museums and holiday accommodation. 

We were able to go away for a bit in the summer but even so we had to be careful keeping the windows open and of necessity, we weren't able to go on things like the trains as there would of been too much risk.

I also decided to just go with whatever I felt okay with.

The boy fully emerged looking very much the part in a brand new blazer  and cap, wearing much shorter short trousers than before which just felt right even if we did have a fair bit of shower and rain during that time.

It was said "Someone looks as if they're ready for school".

B-B-Q with everything that could be toasted was had which was absolutely fun and fun was had for Halloween too which only showed how much face to face contact had been missed.

Forum was fairly activity this year having its own cycle of peaks and troughs with new people joining complementing ASB.net talking about a range of interests and observations.

This year I had a Hornby OO gauge British Railways class 3F "Jinty" 0-6-0 Tank Locomotive 47458 R058 in it's original box this Christmas as my main present.

That was a good sign of the progress in getting back to how I see me and acting on that rather than anyone elses ideas had come on.

We'll see how Twenty Twenty-Two turns out.

Christmas edition

Gosh we're almost there aren't we which means we take a bit of a break over Christmas as we help out and join in the various community activities as difficult as some things remain as that eternal boy.

In the past one had to tune in you tv to act as a computer monitor which is what that boy is doing for the sharpest colour image before using a game, a precompiled program or trying to write your own.

That stare was the one I had for "syntax error" as you looked in disbelief at lines of Basic code trying to figure out what went wrong.

School is out, local high schools finished early on Friday with concerns about the new variant form of Covid and the last couple of days were just games cos you can't start anything new until next term anyway.

I am fairly confident according to a leaked memo to Mr S Claus of the North Pole a Beano annual may be on the cards even if the world has changed as has the comic from this 1956 edition.

That was something many of us get and no doubt got too but isn't in the modern world and won't be in this years I'm quite sure.

Annuals were so much and for a good number still are a part of Christmas that to pick one one up and read it takes back to our boyhoods where things were simpler.

Having got this far in my three inch grey school shorts and turn over top socks from one boy to another:

****HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND ALL THE BEST FOR TWENTY TWENTY-TWO****

Finishing things off

Typical muddled up Winter week here with some strong winds, heavy showers including on Friday sleet landing on my thighs and even brilliant sunshine with temperatures up and down like a yo-yo.

The last couple of days have seen things up to about ten degrees so I've been in my three inch inside leg grey shorts walking about taking a few pictures for the other blogs between watching Jamie Johnson and listening to the latest album by the Chorister's at Kings Cathedral, Cambridge in a very Christmassy selection.

It has both traditional Christmas carols and winter songs all expertly arranged and sang.

There's just something about choirs and especially boy choristers voices that just moves me in both the singing itself technically but also the "soul" in their voices that is stronger than just the bare words sang.

I'm getting things like my cards written to be posted or hand delivered so after next week will will take a short break until after Christmas.

Blown but reading edition

As I am typing this there is a really awful gale blowing around so I've got my super powerful torch, Not Jamie's magic one ready and a stack of comics ready to read should we lose the electric

Sadly the Dandy isn't one although I'd love there to be one say either monthly or every three months as I'm sure there is a demand provided it is aimed at children and isn't too frequent to making working and publishing too hard going.

I mean they did advertise the Dandy Summer Special to actual children via the Beano and got sales that way even though they'd be lucky normally to had seen an annual recently and a summer special to get a feel for what Dandy was all about.

That's one that is in the pile, this years sixty eight pager of exclusive cartoon strips and obviously this weeks Phoenix.

It's time for a hot cup of cocoa and some dinner here!

Chill out zone

This week of necessity has had to be a bit less active with me because Winter returned with a vengeance with a good deal of snow about and that does make getting about when you have difficulties walking and staying upright more challenging.

Thus I spent time listening to a double album of Mozart's Wind music  and  the last part of series of recordings of Bartok's String quartets apart from being in story time on Sunday afternoon that I find rather relaxing.

The funny thing was earlier on Saturday I had actually seen a good many small birds in the hedgerows  where it was cool but sunny!

I am making my way through this years Beano Christmas Special, savouring each section a bit at a time rather like I will be as I start my way on the Paw Patrol choco advent calendar, one bit at at time!

 
It wasn't the only bit of box opening as I had a new pair of trainers on Monday.

The New Neighbour

This week I'm just finishing off a few things like ditching one site that promised much but really didn't do anything me while I'm just back from spending time out in Grey shorts with minus 1 degrees temperatures!

Thinking really about what boyhood was really about, not least when in my junior years we had an influx of new boys as the estate was being built rather those we'd grown up with from the first weeks of infants and even the Play Group our Mums had all enrolled us in I saw this beautiful poem.

All right in this country most of us don't play Baseball although I do like to watch it but for us going down the lane bouncing your football towards the park or a patch of open land has the same feel.

You do have that he's the New Kid in town feel and maybe go over to him and open up a conversation and perhaps offer to be friends.

Sadly you can oh so easily tell the boys who's without any close friends but you know it's our responsibility to make him an offer. 

Until next week, Bye!

Forumitus or The stuff on a Mods mind

There were a few things on my mind last week that I do happen to feel like talking about  and one of them is the difference between boys that may have a more feminine side that they feel the need to express and  sissies.

The first thing to say is that "sissy" is not in any way at all a gender and really is more of a submissive trope that often involves humiliation of a sexual kind  where on the one hand they are told they are not a male  but then told they are inferior to and must be dominated by alpha females.

Such humiliation may be verbal, physical or mental and has no place with LGTQI community as  a gender. To be blunt it is a kink.

That is the #1 reason we will NEVER allow such content and promoters of at the forum.

There are people who while feeling that their gender is male to the point they would not be looking at transitioning as female who may like to either do things usually associated more with feminine interests or to wear skirted attire.

I'm less than convinced that unless you personally have felt that need you yourself would get it but just being able to is all they are looking for, no changes in pronouns, just being able to the whole person as they feel it.

Those people have little if anything to do the first set and if they were growing up from the fifties to the nineties most likely would of experienced name calling including from people who should know better such as teachers and felt threatened at times.

Because you may not understand something doesn't make it okay to be dismissive of a person with it.

I have time for them and if at any point felt that way I would too.

The other point is I do lack time for people only seem to last a few weeks, get into a conflict, leave and then return undercover hiding as someone else especially when they have broken forum rules.

Some people seem to be unable to see that "truth will out" as people identify posting style, past expressions and titbits of information as one person got found out at two very different sites this week.

People do notice these things and I can't help but remark on the futility of that. 

Any wish to return really ought to be discussed with site crew and if of necessity it involves a need to make a new account that should be disclosed so people know who they are engaging with.

Playing the part

We wouldn't normally talk music on here and it is rare on the other blogs but when looking at this whole like a schoolboy thing especially presentationally, the persona of Angus Young of the Hard Rock band AC/DC was certainly one the first public instances of seeing an adult dressed as a schoolboy.

It did not escape my attentions as a fourteen year old who clearly had some age dysphoric traits even then that at least some "men" did dress as the kind of schoolboy I preferred to be dressed as even if may of been seen as an outlandish stunt and a nod to teenage rebellion in the punk era to which they were for a period associated with before "Heavy Metal" as a scene that was written up in Sounds and the N.M.E magazines we bought with concerts and a pub circuit that served patrons was a thing.

AC/DC's music to me was more blues boogie in influence even if the lyrics played up to the mindset of  adolescent boys than anything else not least with tracks like Whole Lotta Rosie. 

His existence encouraged me to reclaim part of what it meant to be the kind of schoolboy I was on the inside fighting the mini adult versions others were pushing and over time made it easier to get bigger fitting school uniforms as tribute bands and fans alike bought the look.

It also has hasn't dented Australian Boys liking for wearing shorts based school uniforms which is the kind of comment some make when some of us talk about our liking of it for our own reasons as if we'd uncool it out of existence.

Thanks a bunch Angus!

Families

Some days things just come crashing to you,  a bit of the past that jolts you as if a meteor struck you as you were just walking along the pavement.

It was really about some thoughts that I had with my second best friend at high school at the time, she faced a lot of physical challenges in her life but she had hours of time to try to understand me and we were chatting would of been early 1982 about tv and what we saw mattered to us.

You know, the kind of totally random teen stuff that actually in hindsight was really pretty significant for how I saw and felt.

Let me explain. On commercial tv there was a long running American tv show about family life across the decades called The Waltons that featured this extended family sharing lifes ups and down together in rural Virginia, and the head of the family John Walton Snr, operated a lumber mill and supplemented their income with a small-scale farming. They took in people and shared a lot as a family united, attending church on Sundays.

That's probably was much as I need to say for the purposes of this entry as I'm not writing a essay on the series or anything as it's what's in more modern parlance a "Slice of life" series seeing the family grow and change over time in accordance with events such as the Great Depression, WW2, the Great Society and Civil Rights  era and so on.

The thing Linda and I were discussing was Family: what it means to be in a family, our involvement or interaction if you like with with Mum and Dad, your immediate siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles. The extent it is a 'unit' and all that.

We were also comparing and contrasting our own relationships  with our families to what we had been watching.

In a lot of ways she saw many parallels  between that of how she cared for them as much as they had to do quite a lot for her and the fictional family we saw.

I once said half joking to Denise one breaktime If it was like mine, then everybody would be off doing totally their own thing, with Mum trying to hold the thing together and me behind a chair on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

That may sound kinda melodramatic but there was and still is the lack of bonds between everybody, no real sense of feeling for one another, for me it wasn't a place of safety with one sibling who'd think nothing of verbally and financially abusing me which wasn't really helped by my being able to spot in seconds any outright lies he was telling to get more for himself as he felt hard done to and obliged to report it.

That's before you bring in Dad who'd explode at the slightest thing, throwing stuff across the room, propelling me in a chair into corners like trash, threatening to burn down the house.

You see, that's the big comparison  between what family was like for her and for me and to open about this really hurt.

This whole experience left a big legacy with me, not least a very strong feeling of longing, almost desperation to loved and cared for.

What I wanted so much was physical and emotional intimacy, a feeling beyond mere words of what it means to 'belong', to be bonded and have bonds that outlast their very beginnings, that provide emotional comfort promoting personal confidence and development.

A relationship that would teach me what I needed to know to get by with people, to be able contribute to it, helping me to stand on my own two feet as a grounded individual within the wider unit.

A wider unit that shared a common purpose, the raising of and looking after that family that was prepared discipline me in a loving, structured, affectionate way so fulfilled my role and expectations within it and our wider community.

I wanted to be...in the Waltons family.

Things that come together eventually III

I wrote a couple of entries last year talking a bit about how in a number of ways I am finding myself acting and being more of my emotional age not least with how the current Pandemic is affecting  life in a lot of ways.

This also covered the extent to which in the wider community I was being seen more as child as I go by more how I am and feel rather than roles that aren't really me.

There are certain images concerning how you would see yourself I have spoken about because in time they've become a muse for boy who remains so, an inspiration for where I'd be now. 

I am a product of very much the seventies and early eighties as I was somewhat reminded of watching a rerun of the 1980's episode of Back In Time For School series and the previous episode covering the 1970's when it comes to the cultural influences and attitudes.

My still a child self is highly informed by that spilling over to how as that child I associate how I dress as to being my age.

We've looked a bit at uniform on here not as much as the other blogs admittedly and really he is more like boys of my era dressed like not least wearing much shorter shorts than boys today so for school.

One issue with short trousers today are most cheaper pairs have no lining at all which we were used to and that those that do today do use for some reason or other black which wasn't what were had.

It happened that a limited run was organized by a certain retailer of otherwise regular David Luke proper grey short trousers as worn still in a number of schools such as combined infant/juniors or prep schools but with white lining.

A new pair more like those I wore then was what I wanted.

This cropped picture shows the approximate length having being trimmed from seven inch  to three inch of this classic shorts with a zip fastening that I was more used to and the fastening tabs although they are elasticated at the back

This is the full length lining that for my pair has been restitched after alteration.

Boys of my era stepped into our short trousers seeing the white lining, not quite the classic white but off white polyester/cotton lining before tucking our shirts in, fastening and zipping our flies up.

I was rather taken by a boy in that show who remarked upon not being sure about showing so much leg in his very brief P.E. shorts in a bit about school games but that was the thing, we did show more of our legs, it was very much boyish.

The authentic ten year old Chris was used to and expects to wear short short trousers not mid thigh never mind just above the knee that expose more of his legs and thighs.

The best short trousers for me are a new pair as short as those that prep school boy from 1980 wore that have the same sort of lining and that is what I have now.

They are taken up to a highly authentic length so when worn with the rest of my outfit, I look as that boy I remain and feel.

They just feel fantastic on me!

A cute loving caring boy

Jellycats are something I've been into for really rather a long time, collecting plushies, being so so cute and adorable as things that are just so kawaii do appeal to me although there's little denying I'm a boy.

It's things like that which have been at the core of some of disagreements with people in the past with some saying "You're not a boy" if you like them and others still saying "You're really a girl" if you do and you should become one instead.

To me though my liking of cute things, my very tactile nature and strong emotional feelings are more about a important part of how I see and feel me and nothing to do with what sex I am.

There are many caring, nurturing roles that males do play a vital part in such as careworkers of which I had a few male ones growing up and actually they fact they could talk to me  man to boy was a godsend because you can't easily teach what it means to be a boy to someone as it's something you need to experience and knowing that helps.

So liking cute things and caring are attributes that belong in boyhood and ought to respected as much a the physical and mental resilience. 

How not to respond to a post

 Well I was going to write something pretty different here but seeing a post on the site Fur Affinity by a person who was born according to their birth certificate as male but appeared to be questioning the idea of being different although they had the odd inclination to wear a skirt.

I was going to put a good half hour writing a reply as something else happened that was a person waded straight in with a "come on in, the waters fine" reply as a transsexual taking them right down that line despite clear doubts.

Well I'm going to say straight off that lead to this post which is around how I saw the original post and not as I believe it was misread by a trans activist.

The first thing can hurt but I'll say it anyway which is wearing a skirt or a dress doesn't make you a woman, many women whatever our own likes and dislikes might be about that do just wear jeans, trousers and shorts near enough 95% or more of the time.

The question if you were in any way transgender is more one of do you fit in better with with females because how you relate to yourself and other females that you would sooner be her because you feel you are all the time?

Do you feel a sense of disconnectedness when you see yourself in the mirror between your conception of you, even intense dislike, hate and that body image that you'd trade that for a women's with a lot of surgery to make look from the outside  as if you were born one?

This person said they had a curiosity about wearing a skirt or a dress but felt pretty neutral about their (recorded male) gender having no sense of being at odds with themselves.

Men and boys can and do wear kilts to which some men do prefer the feel and look of over any sort of trousers and so my suggestion might of been to had experimented with wearing a kilt and working on acceptance of what makes you the unique male you were born with first as they had no strong feelings.

There are a small number of men who do part time dressing as a woman for a whole host of reasons but they generally like to 'come back' to being a man and that's not shameful or wrong, just something that fulfils a need without doing something they know would never be them.

Instead they got treated to the "Tell your closet friends to refer to you as female with she/her pronouns, wear skirts and welcome aboard" which really wasn't the best advice at all.

That's the thing that annoys me so much about the activists. It's not defending their right to be themselves and of people who do find after careful consideration they do fit better in the female world, it's more the slightest indication of a variant and wanting to push you down a route that if you read properly what they said they were not looking for.

I may have the odd non stereotypical interest but that doesn't alter my real gender identity and sex. 

Being different

 Rather a rough week here with both the weather and a rather bad head meaning for instances I only got out the once on Sunday and I'm on painkillers and bed rest.

Anyway laying here with a few cartoons playing out on the Milkshake! block on Channel Five I was reflecting a bit on what makes me different to the point a specific reddit is a place I do check in most days for people who share the same sorts of issues as we all try to cope with something nobody prepared us for.

Most of us are broadly familiar with the development cycle of people as even if you didn't touch it in school biology classes, you'll observed different members of your family and how over time they have changed not just in looks but the sorts of things they are interested in and are more able to understand.

For most people it's a fairly linear concept, extensive needs changes to guidance that diminishes as you get older around the same point you are able to take on more responsibility to yourself understanding more of what being a grown up is.

Then suddenly you get a birthday card with a key on it and everybody says you're a young adult now as you're looking at getting a job or going to Uni.

Well it doesn't happen like that for some of us, I got stuck a few years before adolescence in lots of ways and even at that point I was more in tune with the class a year or two below ours struggling to keep up with them.

That gap got bigger and more pronounced as my peers became teens and especially by sixteen plus, just about following the subjects but very out of sync with teenage life simply because I wasn't  a teenager mentally.

People do struggle to actually understand how it is that many of us who often have autism, adhd and other issues are just like that, in many respects children who may have the gifts that come from really understanding some topics very well but many of the vulnerabilities and needs that a child have.

Often we are dismissed for "refusing" to act our age when in reality we haven't elected to not be grown ups we are only acting on our actual feelings, emotions and behaviour that we innately have because we don't have any other.

We struggle when where we are able to find work, much of the conversation not least at things like office parties revolves around adult programming, grown up leisure and  the like so we can't  talk about what we love to play with, the cartoon series we adore and our latest plushies.

And then there those occasions when what you are meaning is utterly over our heads and the times people try to take advantage of it.

None of us is perfect but please do try to understand us and don't condemn what you don't understand.

Mission Accomplished

We are almost past September and making our way into Autumn with darker nights and ghoulish things later on which may have its negatives but such changes make for variety and being more engaged with things.

One thing that I have been very much engaged in across the last two months is the moving across and reforming of a Tumblr from a frankly very messed up account to one that was quickly created with everything that started in late May threatening one account and two tumblrs on it.

The first tumblr I made on it was a more age regression friendly interests based one born of the realization that if wanted to be with a group that did more for my mental health needs, then what I needed was to just accept their limits and make it to fit that.

After all unlike most Tumblr users I do have own blogs off there where I can beat my own drum around topics and not have to deal with what often seems like arbitrary "triggering" definitions but that left the ashes of TSB/TSBII in their varying forms.

Both of those were formed more with a adult schoolboy, past schooldays core that had been altered skirmish after skirmish although they were very much safe for work and certainly okay for anyone past nine years of age to had seen.

For me That Smol Boy 10 alias pasttimesforever10 is less around new things such as tv shows but more as the url would suggest past times so while a few vintage school and scout based photographs are in there, because as you lot ought to know that's about my own past, it does major more on past tv shows, the books we read, family life in the past the hobbies and games we played as boys.

It is also purposely non community to avoid issues although the aim is to get things very much more "at peace" with those people while at the same time avoiding those people who think anything connected to schoolboy life is all about adult content and from that being seen as linked to it.

Well at long last this weekend, I have finally remade it so in time all I need to do is delete the old version given I can't even delete the account it's so messed up

Free to be me

 

Sometimes I feel I've gone on about some aspects of this life which admittedly are necessary but may also in minds of others get in the way of seeing what indeed the biggest thing about being that person, the adult little child is really about although we did briefly touch on it a few weeks back

Really  it is the freedom to be you, to enjoy being what you are, a child and to be naturally child-like in your sense of fun and adventure several steps away from the grind of adult responsibilities that you struggle to understand never mind do.

It's having a laugh, being from what might be seen from a grown up angle to be silly, not risky, just anything but serious and that's what it's all about.

Twenty years on

 It's a recovering Wednesday here so I'm kind of reflective.

Weekend of course included the Twentieth anniversary of the attacks on the Twin Towers way back in 2001 as much as for me it might as well of been yesterday because so much is etched on my brain from the long wait to hear if a friend who did work inside the WTC was alive as he was scheduled but fortunately he'd called in sick.

It was the period we yes the people the other side of the Atlantic stood up in solidarity with Americans as much as it transpired we'd lost 67 of our own, putting up tens of thousands of copies of the Stars and Stripes in our windows, doing all we could to help those stranded where out of necessity all air travel across the Atlantic was stopped for a period and where the American national anthem was played at Horseguards Parade, London.

We were as one, United, in those dark hours facing an evil act that cost over 3,000 lives.  

During that period another concern for me was as a school governor was just what were we going say and do to help the children deal with what they'd seen as it was bad enough for the staff.

I'd decided given the non-stop coverage with images on loops which still run through my head today to take time out from media consumption and read cartoon strips and focus more the good taking place in situations.

Post Experience Project edition

A few years ago on the Mark 1 version of That Traditional Schoolboy I posted a few things around trends which I felt strongly about.

The right to be addressed as him/he/himself and all other masculine pronouns

The right to have his gender affirmed, being referred to unambiguously as a Boy

The right to single gender spaces

The right to wear shorts, longs or a kilt at school and at work.

The right to adult Male input throughout his life including spending time just with men and other boys in male only activities together to help him grow.

The right not to be discriminated against in any programs and employment opportunities, being assessed purely on his abilities compared to others for the task and nothing else.

Although that Tumblr went and it is unlikely in current conditions anything so forthright could return two years and four months on I still very much feel the same.

Outdoor math lesson by the very kind of man most of us would look up to in flash as boys.

“For boys”  is an electric sign we need to be prepared to stand up for because whatever certain usually pre-feminist people say, Boys ARE are Gender distinct from Girls which while individual variations exist, we graduate toward similar hobbies, interests and like the company of fellow males.

To me it is sad that we seem to be going backwards in this regard. 

When I was growing up in the 70’s, the goal was to achieve a society in which a male or a female might do or become anything they wanted, without their sexual identity being questioned. Boys could play with dolls, girls could climb trees, anyone could wear anything they wanted or do anything they wanted, without it impacting what we now call “gender.” It was a great goal. 

If you want to get a feel for what that movement was about, listen to Marlo Thomas’ , Free to Be You and Me, a famous series of songs recorded to help introduce children to this concept. Boys can cry, girls can compete in races…nothing you say or do changes what you inherently are.

Our conversation about gender appears to have taken a step backwards. Once more we are talking about ‘male’ and ‘female’ behaviours, and suggesting that if one gender does something associated with the other gender, the gender must be wrong. Once more we are creating boxes to define and contain gender identity, and if you step outside the box, it is deemed a denial of that identity.

Some men like to wear women’s clothing. Some girls disdain traditional “feminine” activities. The first group are still men, and the second still girls. We do them a terrible disservice when we read deeper things into that. Not every pair of high heels on a guy is a cry for help.

A trans man feels like he has always been a male, just in a female body. He has always felt like a male, regardless of what he wears. A trans woman has always felt female. Sometimes this manifests in traditional activities, and certainly clothing is used to help present the correct gender, but at its core it is a deeper, more fundamental issue than what toys one plays with or what clothes one is wearing.

I did have a love of flowers and some collectable porcelain dolls of various girls which in that era wasn't very cool to admit to other boys which was a shame but that didn't mean I had a deep seated need to change my sex because I was happy to be a boy and to be a male.

In all other respects as was as rough and tough if not tougher than my peers and having fought attempts to see me as anything other than the boy I am I do feel strongly this message that is getting muddled up by transgender activists needs to be said.

It is personal and no, I won't shut up about it cos it's harming boys who may be as I was a little different from getting on with being the boys they are.

The Tudors

This Thursday sees the return to school in this area, a few days earlier than normal because of the complications of Covid, not wishing to lose any more time than sadly has been study wise and  also with next years extra day's holiday to be slotted in the 'formula' needed to be changed.

It's a time of year where my Dysphoria tends to be at it's worst because psychologically my body clock expects to be returning to school and needless to say visiting the uniform shop and talking of which I expect my new school shorts around mid September.

I had a fairly wide ranging education even though I missed chunks and arguably wasn't properly taught but I did study History to English A level standard and a chunk of that was about the Tudors and Stuarts in England and Wales.

We did go on a number of  visits to important buildings such as former Abbeys and Halls built for the nobility such as Hardwick Hall in nearby Derbyshire and looked at things such as fashion and public health in that era outside of domestic policy, endless religious squabbles and the likes of the Armada. 

We didn't go too much into education back then, although it was very much something the really well to do boys had back then and as can be seen from this marvellous illustration  a boy in a state of disgrace regarding his conduct would be birched in front of his peers.

It also was a period of judicial Corporal as well as Capital punishment if you were caught begging or stealing.

Self caning

Although this is the only blog that does go into it, it's rare for me to post anything much around corporal punishment as there's not a great deal to expand up on which is why there's a page that go into depth into and just a few regular posts with fairly tame images dotted about.

I get tired of seeing dozens and dozens of glowing rears and for me this thing isn't a kink based ritual or compulsion more the run on of boarding school and home discipline from that era now.

While I do see from time to time a friend who is happy if that's the right word to spank me, that's not most of the time and covid rather messed situations where I could be with them.

Thus I recently decided to do a couple of things of which was to join a purely spanking centred discussion forum where people just discuss and form relationships with others who are spanked or those who do spank which is free from umpteenth rewritten stories and reposted images with strong bias toward disciplinary spanking.

One thing is is discussed to the point of having a sub forum is self spanking which as the name would suggest where you spank yourself whither on some criteria of your own or directed where having given the background they instruct and check you have administered that spanking which you've consented to take part in.

With that in mind having been struggling for a while I decided to bite the bullet and for when I cannot be spanked by others to administer it myself.

I now have a kooboo 9mm thickness and about 48 cm long cane which is short enough for when laying across a bed to easily use my right hand to cane myself across my shorts in very much junior fashion

Given some of my issues at times around getting so wound up I lash out and difficulties in getting from doing the things I like to other stuff I need to but no interest in even trying being prepared to take six strokes of the cane should help move me on on.

Having had it before starting this, it certainly is effective and  stings.

I have no excuses now.

The focus of the Tumblr

 

Working on the renewed and repositioned Tumblr we spoke of last week inserting the posts I wanted and getting it to the point we have now 600 posts on it really gets you into thinking exactly what is really about because so much water has gone under the bridge from when I first made a LB/ASB account with almost all legacy accounts gone apart from the messed up one.

The first thing to say is, nearly all of the old ASB scene on Tumblr is dead as in either as I experienced accounts deleted dead or dead as in seldom if ever updated from a few years back if they still exist.

My start point is really quite simple which is to say the appeal of school uniform comes from being a boy of the age who wore it to school but whose boyhood was more than just being a schoolboy in the literal sense.

It is the love of being the adult boy of ten that I am and the age appropriate life for someone who has age dysphoria as a everyday permanent thing rather than as role playing a schoolboy particularly when it revolves more about getting school discipline rather than learning, play or just enjoying life with the outlook of that ten year old.

Thus it is about Boyhood, the boyhood of the past I recall, the boyhood of todays bio-boys not more adult k1nk role playing stuff in the widest sense nor about strictly age regression (aka agere) because the bottom line is being how I am it is involuntary.

You can try to mask it, try to pass it off as something else but it's always there, always on directing your interests and having its needs that align to that of a actual boy of your developmental age.

A boy like me can and does present in casual ways as any actual ten year old does with casual attire, sporty clothes but equally I do wear only short trousers often in a way that mirrors smart casual if not school uniform most of the time.

I'm not seen nor regarded as fully adult in the wider community, a literal adult but child even though I am respected very much for what I have done in adult roles within it and they have stepped up, looking out for me as that boy.

With that in mind the only posts on there will be just those that align to that which may include some vintage pictures of childhood but it won't be a blog of picture after picture of boys from the past.

The blog will be child friendly, being run by an adult child and careful when it comes to sources of reblogged images but won't be part of any formal age regression community even though it will be safe for them to reblog from.

It won't be as TSB was on the outset a ASB blog.

It's about time

While away I had been considering what to do about a problematic Tumblr account that is the home of one Tumblr blog which I like to have around for not being in one of those communities while following many of their own values.

Thing is, I want to have a Tumblr blog that does only have stuff on which is age appropriate for me and NO adults following who want to dump me into adult content and even illegal stuff but some of the ideas age regression communities have like thinking any images of children are traumatizing even when they may be like decades old and fit to be seen by children and family with permissions give albeit in the pre-internet age to be in publications and advertisements. 

That's because I want stuff in there that reminds me of my own boyhood in those eras because I love things that remind me of those days.

Because Tumblr had locked down the primary account in a dispute going back to changes in Tumblrs rules, I could not use or make a new Primary blog but things like the messaging, following and that were really messed up.

Unfortunately some people who associate anything around boyhood with sex seemed to flock to and circulate my posts that meant I spending ages removing followers and risking being associated with these people which were affecting my ability to reblog stuff too given the rules the sources use.

I have reached the conclusion that as time consuming it will be, moving by hand nearly all of those posts onto a newer 'clear' account is the only long term way to fix this problem and so I am working on that although it may take up to October to get it done and the old one paused given one problem with the account is actually I cannot delete it!.

This last weeks lesson

Last week I was away, the first time for absolutely ages and I have heard of people feeling that in some ways lockdown changed them cos so many old routines and contacts were broken and with them how they see themselves.

Regulars know how over the years I've been stepping out from other peoples mistaken ideas about me since this blog started and specifically the period I first joined ASB and had my first Tumblr account and lockdown with me saw the realization that I was not age regressing to cope with adult life as good as that is for some but in reality it was I was Age Dysphoric, a adult according to the law but in reality very much a child all of the time emotionally and functionally.

I decided to travel and arrive at where I was going to be just as the boy I remain with few concessions to the attitudes and norms of grown ups cos let's be honest I am not one. 

Travelling up through Preston I stopped as friend had some stuff to pick up on route as I got some interesting looks and a smile from l'd say was a the mother of a mid teen girl as she parked next to our car with me in uniform and pretty visible.

Walking around was fun meeting hikers in shorts but more the Chino or Khaki sorts rather than mine with blue turn over tops and green garter sashes showing, talking about the weather feeling more like a ten year old by with his minder at hand to answer anything groan up as my thighs got wet.

I played with games and took an Action Man with me together with the Beano Summer Special, this weeks regular Beano and The Phoenix.

The one thing the I'd take away from the experience was just feeling comfortable in my own skin as the "eternal boy" looking as I did without a care and that in accordance with my boyhood era, this time only wearing much shorter shorts complete with matching blazer and blue striped turn over socks looking every inch a little ten year old boy.

In so many ways I have ceased to have a external adult presence with that now aligning with how I truly am internally.

Christopher knows who is is now: A little boy of ten and nothing more and glad to be one

Light and Shade

The underpromoted blog is continuing this week even if I not in person to type it up the day before.

The week is special cos it's the first time in ages I have actually been away since most things stopped and being honest I don't know exactly what I think about that because our defaults changed so much even to the point where while our instinct was to flock to others you may of caught yourself seeing them as a threat to you.

It's likely to be more a low key, more restricted affair although notionally at least in England we can pretty much do anything that doesn't contradict someone elses rule or polite request.

 

It's more a opportunity to put a big more of a shining star in our lives, finding out a bit more of our ability to endure and move on from where we've been stuck since March last year.

That's been pretty much all I've been holding on to.

This life and how it is yours

I will be away next week so I'll need to decide what to do about an entry here and on the other blogs and if needs be set them to publish automatically.

I was out for a bit last week and a overheard conversation is something I feel talking about as it is relevant.

As some of you might know I had a career in Child Abuse prosecution so apart from former professional interest in keeping up with the latest guidance and research around the topic you could say I know a far bit about this.

Generally most research has shown the majority of children abuse in all forms tend to subject to it from within their own extended family and people who ordinarily children have contact with such as teachers, people in sports, scouting etc which is why we have safeguarding policies and procedures subject to inspection.

Strangers while having a potential to, play a small role in the overall scheme of things, certainly less than the "stranger danger" campaigns might suggest.

So to recap, the person likely to pose a risk probably looks like the average family man or woman.

I was going having a bit of time to kill in a small town park, admiring the gardens, watching the park staff out maintaining the grass, keeping myself pretty much to myself making no contact with any child as I became aware of man with what looked like a female partner following me.

I decided keeping a low profile probably was a good idea.

A few minutes later I hear his partner saying "and why are following them?" to which his reply is "They are wearing school uniform in a park and it's suspicious, like why would they?"

I had on at the time a red waterproof adults jacket, a grey pair of shorts that might well be associated with school, longish all grey socks but not turnover tops, hidden a blue adults piquet neck polo shirt and black children's shoes (cos well I am a child's fitting).

So only two items might meet his description at best but on his basis I'm so obvious, why hasn't it occurred to him I am hardly going do any thing on a very public setting especially when I not situated say by a swing but sat by a sensory garden for disabled people even if I was thinking interacting with a minor, which to avoid all doubts I most certainly would not?

It would be absolutely stupid to even try it and in my experience children can tell a adult 'playing' a child by looks from a child.

If you wanted to do that you'd be far better off dressing more like someone's Uncle or Dad with a t shirt and jeans on, blending in and there are very few cases of adults in any sort of school uniform caught making inappropriate contact with children.

I decided "bugger it" and just carried on as normal because I was doing nothing against either the law, a park by-law or causing a breach of the peace and challenging when he had not expressed those opinions directly to me or the public at large wasn't worth it.

Still it does show the stupidity of prejudice and the extent some feel it is their job to monitor others when they are not the police or park officials.

It's not putting me of being me cos there is nothing illegal or wrong with it.

Two steps forward and one step back

 There were a few things I could write about this week but this is really the compelling one.

We all hoped as the weekend approached that our National team approached the finals of the Euro 2020 that the great work Neville Southgate had put in in managing the team thus far would lead to that elusive much sought after thing, a win in a final after fifty-five years.

It's been that long that although I have no recollection of it, it seems from the age I went to Infants we'd been looking for it for ages and we were up against an exceptional experienced  opponent who really had got it together from their first match.

A goal scored by Shaw in the second minute no less looked like it was going to set us up for that win we desperately wanted by having scored a a goal in the second half, Italy held us to a draw.

Then it happened, no progress being made by either us or the Italians we went into a penalty shoot out which our strikers lost at, penalties are something English player in particular always seem to struggle at and it was all over with.

A Three-Two win on penalties to Italy. 

For a side that had done so well, putting the everything into it as sad as that was, we couldn't of expected more from them.

Then the backlash started with frustrated fans racially abusing three of the strikers who'd missed on social media as if that had *anything* to do with it, something that at one point we thought we'd tackled but in the age of the armchair racist with his smartphone it has resurged and sadly this joyful sporting event even if we lost, was marred by this behaviour by so-called fans.

As far as I am concerned you're no fan of England, no patriot, if you attack racially your own sides players because they represent US and they are proud to do regardless of race and religion.

In this competition, religious and racial differences were put aside in communities where things haven't always been as harmonious as we all would of liked with people supporting as one, waving our flag together.

We were United and we all stand together in opposing racial abuse of our own countries team players.

Be the change.

Little and proud

Indeed  am a little am for real having been seen in the flesh by a good number of people  and most definitely proud.

Terms or indeed if there was a single term to describe what you might call an adult by age who doesn't feel adult, who shares many of the facets of a child not by acting but just spontaneous responses to everyday situations change and indeed at the start of this quest that began in actual childhood I didn't even know to describe this feeling of being younger than your years existed.

I'm forever a boy in my t shirt and shorts just playing and having fun when I'm not learning  at a desk with my toy soldiers and teddy bears.

It can take differing presentational forms such adult baby/toddler, little or more of a school boy form or even just on the inside with just regular adult attire on it's just a state of being that once you accept it is you really is the bestest thing.

The importance of just being you simply cannot be overstated I feel.

On relationships and life

Relationships not least family ones have  played a negative part in my upbringing from distancing, not willing to get close to me or to encourage me to get closer, being more overly affectionate as well as a sense of suspicions between family members that just corroded any meaningful sense of trust and security I ever had.

Living in a world where you always watched your back, where telephone conversations were bugged, people lurked behind doors listening in  and mail read took its toll on me even to the point I was writing or drawing stuff about it in my teens on correspondence and never kept a formal diary in case it was read which it would.

What I long for as an adult little boy is the simple love and affection of a forever mother and father figure who will help me feel loved, wanted and secure so I can grow.
Is that too much to ask?

Weekly review

I'll say at the outset, I am not at all well day so apologies in advance if this entry is a but shorter than usual or has any mistakes.

After the rather overcast and wet weekend here in the Midlands, we are seeing the return of Sun and more warmer weather for being out in having seen a good number of house sparrows, blackbirds and magpies around in the last couple of days.

Indeed two house sparrows seemed to be engaged in a sparring session trying to chase each other from bush to bush and from tree branches until one achieved his victory.

This last few days though do feel different with me because I received a telephone call from an Aunt informing me my Uncle Ian had died suddenly at hospital where he'd been with a heart condition for a period.

It's fair to say he was something of a character, having got his GCE's he was Mechanical Engineering Apprentice of the Year, receiving an award and then decided the world of regimented work wasn't for him so did odd jobs, acted as a Gamekeeper on an Estate  and the like until ill heath meant he wasn't able to work.

He also got into serious trouble related to the controversial Community Charge aka the "Poll Tax" spending a short time in prison in the early 1990's.

This all said he was very much a family man, highly involved in his own children's lives and always always having time for me especially when for a period he lived but two houses away from us and we played with and spent time inside with him and his family having joint fireworks for Guy Fawkes Nights with Catherine wheels whizzing through the air almost setting fire to nappies on the washing line!

It was a different era when it came to things around heath and safety.

He always seemed to understand me talking away at parties and that about various things.

It's too early to know about funeral arrangements not least with Covid and it's restrictions still about but it's certainly affected my emotions this week.