The Traditional Schoolboy Blog End of year review

In the brief history of the The Traditional Schoolboy Blog,  it's the usual thing to reflect a little on the year which externally has been eventful as I emerged after a whole year online with being on Tumblr or more accurately on two Tumblrs as In October I took over one belonging to another user and made it my own.

Part of that my Tumblr was  Group one allowing selected guests to contribute a post and look after it for me while I'm away as I do from time to time and unfortunately Tumblr when you do that tosses away much needed communication tools like asks and messages.

This other blog isn't  just to enable me to interact more with people on Tumblr but it allows me to post some less obvious material than just things connected with school days and scouting.

Blogging had began in 2005 at Friends Reunited but then stopped as that site lost its way and this blog and it's parent The Uniformed Schoolboy last year became it's replacements, picking up from where we'd left off.
The big thing this year was Tumblr, the micro blogging come social media site where bashing the keyboard way here I got established  in April broadcasting to adult little boys and schoolboys quite openly as that boy little, lead to a greater exploration of what I learned was Being a Little and "Age Regression" had come full circle.

It was also a year where increasingly I came out about what is "wrong" with me, why that is and how that plays a very important part in what being me means in everyday life rather than glossing over it or trying to say it doesn't define me where what I actual meant was I shouldn't be  treated less favourably for why I'm me  but  the big elephant in the room no one in authority want to own up to is I can only be me with the needs and issues I have not least being an adult child to whom adult expectations simply cannot be met by passing an equalizing Act here and aspiring to something you can never be there.

The simply and painful truth of the matter is my regression such as it is is the expression of being allowed to function on the basis and understanding of the learning disabled with brain damage child that is living in a body whose chronological age and expectations on the part of the mainstream society is adult instead of very much a child's and are better served by being treated as through I am that child.

Chunks of this are slowly being work through in my relationships with people such as my folks who after trying the equalizing trip beloved of the learned ones who know of things but not had the life, are dealing with me as that learning disabled child, allowing me a choice without confusing me silly with a myriad of options, learning to set the personal limits to that of my actual developmental age where we accept an adult override for me in certain situations so I have a sense of freedom I can use and enjoy that doesn't stress me out nor put me in danger.

I have a caregiver in my life who helps to keep me grounded, helping me with structuring my day which I do struggle with who I can share my junior little life with as their boy loved for being child-like person I am, playing and doing my colouring as well as appropriate disciplining for me as with the learning disabilities, very poor short-term memory and auditory processing disorder, it's isn't that I just may not realize what's wrong with what I'm doing, relying on talking through and trying to reason fails as it gets badly jumbled up leaving me in a bad place mentally.

When I have been with friends too increasingly this year  this whole approach of changing the way and the limits to that more appropriate to that of a junior age child who is looked after by them but encourage to do what a child of that age would for himself and those who look after him as part of a "family" is applied.

Although this blog isn't mainly about it, part of what is my "Age Regression" does include more Junior  style spanking which was a part of how I was brought up as discipline rather than for any more 'adult' angle and 2018 saw more people being prepared to use that with me whenever I'd messed up.

With me this is always just in a regular domestic setting just as it was when I was officially young not taking place in adult clubs nor scened even, just administered in real time as the adults in charge feel I need it as sometimes I need a damn good whacking

A side benefit of this has been I've felt far more 'little'  not just at home but when I've been out with people just letting that side of me out, not feeling I had to pretend to be an adult nor be so stressed out about how I was behaving I was not able to play in a group for not knowing the social rules and being feeling clueless on putting anything right.

Looking forward into 2019, I can see more time spent as that just being me which is always fun to be able to just be regressed me  maybe with others playing providing the help needed in moving me on toward a level of maturity as a forever a child I can achieve.

Having spaces to talk openly without any shame about this aspect to my life is helping me in learning to like myself for the boy I am while helping also with showing my natural empathy with others.

Equally just accepting the one person who seemed to totally misread a situation and then blame me for it was just something they alone had to accept responsibility for on my own website is encouraging me to see other people are responsible for their own situations and that I shouldn't take on responsibilities that aren't truly mine through misplaced guilt. 

Thank you everyone for reading this.

Six days to go

It is but six days away from Christmas which in same ways is a bit different in feel this year and for reasons I won't go too much into is pulling me out of it.

The week began with going into town to get some of the last minute touches to Christmas including getting some things for Mom because as I boy it's my job to help her and be obedient while I getting my things.
The town looked lovely with it's traditional black and white and brick buildings festooned with decorations galore while junior school children were going around town caroling  in groups so even if it was a cool day, it was the more enjoyable being be very traditional carrying out the old rituals.
It's those rituals that help make it magical bringing everything to life.
Daddy and I were fed up with the news especially the "Brexit" stories day after day so he kindly let me watch the Christmas Dangermouse special instead on the CBBC channel which provided a much needed lift.
The other side of the coin was Tumblr had messed up a blog of mine so I'm in appeal with them for the second time in as many days but have started some work on  replacement which be centred around vintage scouting and age regressed school uniform stuff as my main one is a group account that can't message or do asks.
Having a narrower focus may help in avoiding some of the pitfalls and as half expecting things I had transferred some series of posts to another account so there no point do a straight remake.
As well when I mentioned about the torn shorts in transferring one pair navy shorts over for roaming and cub scout like activities outdoors, I got a new pair of grey shorts to replace them by.

The Christmas Truth Present

This week has been a challenging one in a number of ways with issues with and on Tumblr with false flagging and labelling, question marks about the future of TSB 2 and with some followers.
In another a chance conversation with a lady who was a part of my Junior School life to who I saw in the community after I left often when I returned to that school to see school plays by the new generation of Juniors, helping organizing raffles to raise funds and so on got me thinking.
Mrs Evans (ours was a generation that NEVER spoke to an adult by first name), happened to be out in her garden as having been out for walk watching nature and frankly regressing  I turned into her road.
She is eight-five years of age, worked was a helper at the school when I was there and lost her son in his early twenties trying to keep the peace with the British Army during "The Troubles" in Northern Ireland between the nationalists and unionists.
In the years since I left school she held a respected role in our community as found raiser for local concerns such as my junior school and the social club for the over 50's organizing coach trips to places. 
In these settings my connections with her were always renewed.
Walking toward the called me over with a "Good morning Christopher, how are you?" as then then enquired around how we and our families are and what they're up to.
It has be said I was dressed in my shorts and long socks with just a decent coat on given it is winter looking very much as the boy she encountered all those years ago except for being obviously taller.
I spoke to her in that boyish mindset especially as she enquired about christmas and before walking off thank her for talking by the non adult "Mrs Evans" title.
That conversation came from the adult boy in a community that being fairly stable knows me and my family  where many of my class and families still leave.
In my community for all of my disabilities, it's impact on employment it reminded me of a few important truths.
The first is my community sees me as a boy who found his place in it - they know me and know of my work in organizations in it, even leading it and took up his responsibility to himself and to the stewardship of his community.
I am known by name and have their respect. 
They know and respect the progress I made in being able to do just that mastering my disabilities the very best I could and that far from so easily being passive and detached from the community I rose to the challenge and got stuck in doing things others did not.
It is also a community that accepts a harsh truth that is in certain respects I remain that boy but values how that combination of more mature abilities and child-like mindset has enabled me to contribute something of value to all.
The adult but boy on the street they see in his shorts is an asset to his community.

That's torn it!

The week had got off to a good start making progress in the re-establishment of the Traditional Schoolboy 2 tumblr gaining a good number of followers as one thing about the original that I didn't like was their being a spate of kink/bdsm/porn blogs following and then having to delete and occasionally report them.
Equally the main one, gained 320 followers and clocked 1,600 posts in the just under 8 months being on that platform which is quiet some achievement really.
One thing that did happen this week is I tore my cargo shorts or perhaps more accurately they were a bit worn and *something* I did caused a tear from where one panel was sown at the bottom of the seat and the material seemed threadbare so sowing it up wouldn't really solve the problem.
I think I had had these for a good six years at least and so I have bought a replacement set of shorts and moved a blue pair over for everyday play wear that happen to be a little bit shorter which probably is a good thing as it does look and dare I say feel more traditional on me without going into 'short shorts' territory. 
I also got totally drenched on Monday when I went out to play, got up to the furthest point I normally walk up to as the heavens opened with rain bouncing off the road that much I was struggling to see what was in front of me.
My coat and its hood got wet as did my grey long socks and the lower legs of my shorts plus the shoes so I spent time having to dry them all out.
I had to take them off to dry myself off with a thick towel and change my shorts and socks, the latter being so wet you could seen lots of water coming out when I wrung them out over the sink

Thanksgiving and Tumblr

The week has been and gone pretty much with remaking the Traditional Schoolboy2 being a priority with me and so far I've got over 130 posts on it, redoing the about with a stricter indication of who it's for and that doesn't include sissies and reinstating the original header.
I managed to get a near original url for it too which is nice but as it seems Tumblr do look at certain tags I've decided with some reluctance not to bother tagging posts for that Tumblr and discontinue tagging anything outside of purely regressive alb/asb posts on the main Tumblr.
Talking of which I have got that one tethered to two separate accounts  outside the main one so in the event of my main account being removed, the other two will remain together with the group blog.

Getting more to what I'd sooner blog about on here unlike the other Blog, it's the time of you one thinks of the things and people that have sustained me across the year one has to include God, without him answering my prayers quite simply this blog would not be here because I almost died.
I have to include the people in the local health service who acted swiftly to deal with the infection that was killing me and the follow up work.
Many people have helped across this year and I guess the person I owe much for is Sammy who accepted me as I arrived on Tumblr a bit confused around how I saw myself who supported me as I started to explore my childhood past as we discovered there was very much a boy in one who if a bit different in someways was most certainly masculine and confident in it.
By challenging me and calling out what he considered to be wrong turns he got me to think about how I felt rather than just saying "well some people do" or "Its okay be different" I did not set about copying him but arriving at my own understandings of what is masculine behaviour for me I learned to take control, detaching myself from acquired overtly feminine habits, behaviours and attitudes that had made me feel off. 
Feeling good about being a male and boy is great and that is truly worth being thankful of.

Letting off steam

The week did not get off to the best of starts as the secondary Tumblr inexplicably got nuked even though content wise it was very safe for work, being just about past boyhood, age regression and wearing school clothing with not one mention of spanking, anything sexual or kink related.

Similarly Charlie had his Growing Up In Lederhosen tumblr nuked to when all that was old pictures of boys in lederhosen not unlike a postcard album or scrapbook again totally sfw and non sexual and yet real hard core porn is accepted?

Neither of us had a message to say we'd been 'terminated' and why.

Makes me question what Tumblrs real values are.

Anyway I do have something to say about gender and blow it I'm just darn well saying it.

Although I am very much on a more traditional masculine side and do genuinely believe for the the majority of boys this is very much the right path for them I do have time for that minority who find in terms of their gender identity, presentation and roles they need to transition to being a girl and a woman so long as it isn't done in such a way as to deny the majority of us our identity as males.

One thing I will just come out and say is this the kind of boyhood some of us knew however as individuals we may of expressed it seems under attack from people who don't feel boyhood and masculinity exist and to the extent they are acknowledged even it is totally negative.

One side effect of this has been the encouragement of overtly feminine forms of gender expression, identity and social behaviour and discouragement of anything that smells of maleness for boys.

I do intensely dislike the attempt at pushing sissiness, a subculture of Female Supremacists and  willing males who were not unlike transexuals feeling they were 'female' and wanted to be seen as such 24/7 but wanting to be a parody of  the most soppy uber feminine female dressed in super frilly dresses revealing in deep humiliation.

They wanted to live in a world where ordinary males such as myself would be demasculinized, denied our place in the world where boys would be forced in to being gurls dressed like but treated as inferior to girls.

They are nothing to do with "Transgender" at all, just kinky gender humiliation.

I despise their simpering mincing effeminate ways.

The self hatred of their actual male selves was incredible for this was unlike people who just cross-dress as an act enjoying that moment as their alter ego but happy to revert to their male sides that I cannot help but be concerned as to why they feel this way and if it isn't part of the damage modern feminism has caused to males as having rightly fought for equal opportunities, pay and family planning, attacking the male side role, identity and social position and in effect degendering men has left some at risk of self hatred.

Remembrance Day

This week gone marked the 100th anniversary of the end of World War One with the signing of the Armistice and the order to cease all operations on the Eleventh Hour of the Eleventh Day of 1918.
This was marked here in Great Britain by special Remembrance Sunday services in the capitals of the 'home countries' of the United Kingdom and in towns and cities across the land.
I have been directly involved in regular remembrance day services laying on wreaths as a member of an organization and those encounters lead to me being sat by leaders from scouting and girl guiding and members from cubs, brownies, scouts and guides as we waited to file out to lay them wreaths in order.
Like all of us members do wear their own poppy  on the uniform and usually afterward we all would place them around the cenotaph to show our respect to those who gave their  lives for our freedoms.
Their being there is also an indication of how service in scouting helps prepare young people for playing an active part in their communities.

Lessons from being away

The origins of age dysphoria for me being clearly identifiable started around the ages of fifteen and sixteen although if you scratched the surface before you'd spot my 'younger than my years' mindset and a tendency to dress a bit younger than my peers.

This was before much of the confusion and misdirection from others in my life who thought they had a fix for me stepped in .

This was the point a part of my age dysphoric stash of clothes and odd item upon being discovered got removed as my folks thought it was all stuff I'd out grown although really this was more about their pretence I had even grown and their inability to just tell people because of my disabilities I was more of a child.

It may even been seen as shameful.

This week I had the opportunity to test out the extent to which mentally I had left that confusion and being pushed in forms of gender presentation others though more appropriate from the past with friends who had seen both who also are age regressors.

To a point any one can just switch attire and wear it unless it is it triggers a meltdown but it's really more how 'you' you feel in it that matters.

Switching between a more feminine form and a more traditional boys school outfit which were similar and a had a few common items I found myself far more comfortable in my own skin dressed in a  shirt, tie, shorts and grey ribbed boys socks being addressed clearly as a male in public.

It may also of been that this tied to the fact when I first started age regressing it was a that of a top junior around 10 that I went back to and that was whole uniform mode of dress including being able to put a proper school clip on tie on that meant when I did look in the mirror I liked that me a lot.

I looked smart and felt good about being that boy.

I think there's little argument now my engagement to boyhood really is what at the core I always was.

Radiating maleness

While I'm hoping for few hours outdoors when it stops raining I thought I'd post something

Going back to go forward almost seems to be a theme with me in that outside of wearing regular tailored school attire including school shorts, my spare time is also be spent very much in a mode I had recall from parts of my youth

.

That is to say my play attire is to be t shirts and 'classic' sports  nylon shorts with short white socks emphasize my boy status as far removed from young adult sophisticated classic sportswear from the likes of Fred Perry and co.

People say you can't do this or that and be male or female but you own your own personality traits which slot within the context of Gender but my sex is biologically set and determined by my physical body and no attempt at altering how that looks cosmetically changes a thing. 

The rumblings from above can be heard in the gloom at this time in the morning so I suspect we're having the warm very wet day the weather forecasters showed on their slots on tv and radio in the last few days so we can forget footie unless I want to come back covered head to toe in mud and soaked to the skin.

There's always Saturdays to keep up with the days many matches and how knows it may be a bit drier then too so I get out as I had to wait ages yesterday to find a dry twenty minutes or so go out without getting my shorts and socks wet after remembering where I'd put my key.

Lots of people see me about an that, like I even paid the milkman just being the adult with the mind set of that eternal ten year old and they just accept it.

The rush to embrace alternate notions of what you might be can sometimes seen in either the formation of alternative personas, difficulties in working out what is going on and said 'between the lines' if say your are autistic so you see them as "solving" the problem and then people find down that line actually they're still having these problems or they may be experiencing mental illness or distress.

I know what I am.

I haven't felt better in myself for years.

Going casual

When it comes to the more casual side of me really it is more like this, a t shirt, light games type shorts, ankle socks and trainers I go for.
To me it's cool during the warmer months with lots of room if play while outside and easy to wash too if I get a bit muddy which even if I'm not playing footy somehow just lands on you.
It's even okay for on floor play indoors to where if I had been expected to wear longs I'd of worn holes in the knees although if I'm just sitting around more I prefer more tailored shorts and short sleeve shirt.

Getting that cubby feeling

This last week has been interesting with the usual mix of a few decades past and the current intermingled as the post on the main blog on Friday will show with found memories of original childhood experienced in my second as that child in an adult body.
It has also been an interesting one for being out exploring nature, watching, feeling and hearing it intently.

I have observed the habits of Squirrels, watched on a daily basis the changes in the hue and colour of the leaves on all our local trees and a good many insects.
Indeed actually on Saturday, I observed at close quarters hundreds of Ladybirds out in the fall sun that must of emerged.

An example of the Harlequin Ladybird I saw is this one which I took a picture of while a wasp seemed to take an interest in my hat!

Wild berries were also out too although normally it is a little late in the season to see them.

While I can never be invested into the cubs nor actually be awarded the badges, this week I feel the sense of being a cub scout in spirit learning more his woodcraft  and scouting skills such as observation while having fun.
The very things that are passported into the remainder of your life after that stage.

The importance of honesty

Another Wednesday here with myself, Chris, where I am mainly in school uniform being returned to boyhood which does rather suit me because its a time of learning lessons one of which is this weeks subject.
One of things things that does matter is telling the truth not that going by popular opinion  is it something we expect from people in positions of power such as business leaders or politicians although I feel our expectations ought to higher even if at times dashed.
The must basic reason for this is we have a need to feel the other person has a sense of honesty and integrity about them, that what they say is based on reality rather than either wishful thinking or something having no basis at all in fact.
Most of us can understand  and relate to what are sometimes called 'magical thoughts' where belief is suspended because the illusion of say "seeing an elephant fly" is preferable to us than the reality which is of course that they cannot. That whole notion is very child-like and because we saw it in our imagination it may feel real but isn't.
That's a stage most of us grow out of since we were about nine or so.
Telling the whole truth is something we can all struggle with especially if by doing so it shows us  in a poorer light so we do not so much say something it isn't true: we omit that which  shows our culpability and responsibility for what really transpired.
If there is a hierarchy when it comes to this it is the outright lie, the very thing that had no basis in reality at all that takes pole position.
We use it to place ourselves where we were not, to claim credit for things we did not do, to transfer the blame from us to others when we have done wrong and remove ourselves from situations where we had a responsibility but chose not to exercise it.
I am - and I am expected to -  tell the whole truth at all times and whenever I'm not there's no question of not being punished because of its seriousness.

Welcome to my dorm

One what tends to be the blog that looks more into feelings and that this is the week where that space I mentioned last week has paused, its course run and its direction being very much now directed to here.
The week saw more me being outside learning to watch and listen more to nature as I saw two grey squirrels playing on the edge of a wood as they scavenged for acorns to bury without a care in the world.
It also was a week as we are in The Fall where temperatures did drop and indeed on Sunday it was 11 degrees C (52 degrees F) but I was outside 'playing' with just a sweater over my top and wearing long socks with my shorts.
While out I soon became warm as I run, jumped and walked around and indeed I was as warm as toast by the time I came in but the most interesting thing was I noticed walking around a familiar feeling of tingling around the inside leg from just below the shorts to my Y fronts which when I looked closer there were goose pimples.
That was something that took me straight back to this time of year when official a boy as I often felt them on say cold mornings walking by farms to school in my shorts with maybe a duffle coat if we were lucky.
While it would not make sense to go out quite like that when it's extremely cold, one thing I did learn was I don't need longs on nearly as much because I can and am becoming more hardy and actually that should be encouraged in me.

Another thing about this week was it has been just over two months since I established a Alb/Asb forum for boys like me as one place we had used did have periods of being down and in fact shortly after registering mine and getting the basic functionality going, it shut down without warning.
Anyone who has read "The other blog" tm knows the issues I have had over the years around identity and feeling comfortable in my own skin and while sites can be good for seeing other people and interacting a little, what you don't get is conversation.
What I needed was was more a boys only space to introduce myself and let my boyishness out in a way that felt safe to me and where I'd bond with them.
Less of a reblogging of images place but more a place to talk, explore and share about what this adult little boy/adult schoolboy thing is and means.
So far we've got 21 members, are fairly active  and many of the posts have been high quality written well with depth of feeling.
Given the challenge it was for me to set this place up after finding a suitable host I feel both elated and gratified we've made a great place to be under the stars as adult boys.

Tumblr and being a Little Boy forever

Somethings change and somethings are changing  when it comes to me and how that works out in my online life and it's necessary driver my real one too.

To get a idea of what it is it means to be me we need to reexamine what was and for me an indication of it was the fact that a boy of nine and a half years is playing with seven year olds in the infant playground because he has not caught up with how his peers play and is unaware of how he appears to others.

He relies on the support of his class to make sense of what is going on, being told by them what to do and who appear to him to be older children even though he is the same age and he acts in less mature way for his age.

The same pattern repeats itself from when he moves to high school as a boarder every eighteen months or so as he's left behind as the younger boy of the same year group and age. 

The more 'adult' in build you get, the less acceptance you get for being Age Dyphoric you get although there's no cure for being the way we are.

I truly remain a Little Boy.

Earlier on in the year I decided to return to an all boy environment and give nature a second chance.

That has helped for encouraging me to express openly more masculine traits being in an environment that respects them as being an important and necessary part of who I am as I cut away from anything overly feminine
.
I have had a great week for feeling more confident and comfortable in my own skin just acting on my own inner male feelings while taking over a Tumblr and establishing TSB 2 as the group tumblr doesn't allow me any one to one communication.

Being me

Within the world of me there's a place for things to play with from the traditional action centred toy to dolls.

Dolls! I hear you cry. Whaddymean Chris???

There is nothing wrong with me or any boy with dolls of itself at all because dolls are a representation of people in wax, cloth or plastic that we can use for imaginary play exploring situations, feelings or even looks.

Dolls don't have to be just for girls it's simply there have few dolls made specifically for boys that you can dress up or get accessories for so you can engage in boyish play with them excluding military dolls "action figures" in marketing speak such as G.I Joe or Action Man which I enjoyed playing with a lot with all the bits and bobs that went with it including new uniforms to dress them in.

A kind of a doll that isn't girlish or heavens above sissy would be a boy with a variety of different outfits such as school uniform, scout uniform, page boy, soccer strip or mountaineering with things like imitation desks, soccer pitches, cars and so on.

Something you could play exploring the roles of boys with, making adventures that are centred on the lives of 'real boys' in a masculine way.

One day we'll have boys toys that include this. 

Being the adult child

What if we were at a place where we could pick up chalk  and draw on the pavement or playground would we actually do it?
Although at times there is serious discourse on this blog not least around gender and me, the bigger part of what being an adult little boy is really about is not that or spanking but the getting in the time and space of the little boy who is still very much alive and within us who then just comes out as though the intervening years never really existed.
Personally I think I actually would having sometimes done freestyle drawing from my inner boy side so long as the environment around me felt safe, free from ridicule for doing so.
Because when we are in that space, we are back in that time with that little boy out some pretty important things come into play of which the first is we are not using our adult side so our abilities at this point to keep ourselves away from any inappropriate adult attention are diminished.
We have at that point the vulnerabilities of actual children, doubly so for someone like me who even in adult mode has the developmental disabilities that limit certain of my abilities to judge situations to that more akin to actual children.
In such a situation it would be clearly inappropriate for any adult to treat us as anything other than a child and therefore any 'adult acts' should not happen and any bother adults around us need to step in to ensure we are not taken advantage of.  

AT THAT POINT I COULD WRITE "I AM A CHILD" ON SUCH A DRAWING AND FOR THAT MOMENT I WOULD BE IN MY MIND.

Boy chat

This last week was pretty interesting in that I spent time chatting on Friday in a chat room with a mixture of people of both genders on a streaming site owned by a Female "Furry" who as it happened between doing comic also had slots for free art in and to which I had entered into the competition.

You see, they all belong on a big Furry site which as it happens I do have an account in my name (Chris_minor) where I do publish pictures of my colouring and that on plus write a bit of a journal about me.

I had interacted with the odd one but never in real time with a group as talked with them about various things we had in common such as our regressed littleness and it wasn't long before I was explaining what being a adult little boy/ schoolboy was as I see it.

I also explained around how for me it was less "age playing" -a kind of role play but more a matter of coming from my actual regressed emotional age so I have less of a character and more just me younger than my 'bone' age.

The only other place I chatted a lot on was ASB.org but that's been down for a good few weeks now and I quite enjoyed it and coming out as ALB/ASB

People I think get into over thinking around things to do with gender, at least in my experience because we are all male and female, boys and girls and so much of everything else is really about us even if generally speaking their are ideas around what is normal for girl and boys and I know with boys we have a 'code' of sorts.

Thing is we can play three ways, on own own, with own own gender which is our social default or with both as in this picture where we all are and know we are boys and girls but we're playing as friend, sharing in the fun.

It doesn't and should not mean we have lost our gender in the play, it's that the play is the bigger thing.

Because I play with a girl doesn't  mean I become her any more than she becomes me it's that we both know what each other is and stick to what is right for us because we are something.

We ARE gendered. We WANT to be seen as the boy or girl we ARE and there comes a point when ACCEPT OUR GENDER and ACT ACCORDINGLY.

The march toward recovery

This week is one that has seen me start to get back rather more to things before the illness and other related stuff appeared tp take over much of my life and so just over a month on it would make sense to try to get back to where we were.
One form of this is to resume walking the longer route through common land, country lanes and passing fields I did until then which is what I did the other day, taking my time at it as this illness has left me lacking in energy and taking account of my feelings as I proceeded.
One of things I like about this route is once you're out of the built up area, there are a number of points where you can just and just take several minutes thing about things as one thing I have prone to do is not actually process what I actually feel whereas by stopping and putting them into words I do.
It was a beautiful warm summery day with brilliant sunshine, I suppose you could call it the "Indian Summer" sandwiched between this years sweltering July and August and the onset of The Fall. 
I felt quite emotional for being alive and able to enjoy this after what happened that could easily of robbed me of my life
I also reflected on the distance I had come  battling with issues around gender identity and gender roles over the years as I moving into a point of being more secure in myself of what I am, presenting and being interacted with as that male and of being actually gendered even if the odd like may be less than stereotypically boyish.
I just feel several times more confident socially now than I ever did before for just being me.

Rainswept reflections on the week

Good morning as I sit atop of my bed in blue pajamas clutching my Gummi Bear typing this all out at this early hour although I did get a good nights sleep in after checking on ASB and having my supper.
Thursday saw me publish a marathon practically blog like post around boyhood on Tumblr and I know you all think the most activity I might do is run and up down the soccer field wildly but actually I can be - whisper it quietly, academic - so I wrote this post about a quarter of which was personal observation and reflection that ties into how I'm changing for having more having more male input but I digress.

I sorted through my more casual play clothing with us getting toward winter where you may need an extra layer in the form of a jumper or sweatshirt on as some of them were past their best and organized replacements which will be coming soon
The weather it has to be said doesn't really seem to know in what season it really is in as while it isn't the fall, although some leaf coverage is lower than usual nor is the summer with temperatures lower and presently much heavy rain having had to be out in it.
Sometimes people - usually females - say why do you go out this time of year in shorts and long socks rather than longs and for one thing the reason is the rain just runs off my legs so doesn't leave them feeling damp next to my skin and which longs when soaked do.
It's also easier to clean my legs of any marks from damp objects like cars or mud off me plus they are less likely to get on my shorts than on longs the would then need to be washed.

Finally after over a week I have transitioned to masculine peeing conventions totally feeling so much better about myself connected to my maleness in doing so.
I will from now only pee in the manner of boys through my shorts and not in the manner of girls because I belong to and have a gender identity which is masculine because I am a boy and that is the standard for me.

What the ---- happened boys

One thing that doesn’t always happen on Tumblr for all the talk about it being ‘social media’ is actually social activity not least communication between people with people just liking and reblogging posts as is instead.

Thus it’s rare for to have anyone respond meaningfully to what you had posted but one person who I can rely on for doing that is Sammy through which I have gotten to understand more around their feelings around presenting and being a boy.

Sammy had in characteristic directness commented upon a picture that had  showed a 'boy’ who appeared to be wearing very much girls jeans he’d somehow managed to squeeze everything into with hardly a quarter inch to spare and to which was in a more girlish pose. 

Apart from remarking on how long it must of taken to have done that he also posed the question what the _ happened with boys.

Actually I just love it when he just comes out with emotionally honest responses free from any kind of couching in 'cover all bases to avoid any possible offence even when non intended’ talk. You just get straight to the point.

There are a few things around that I get even if I may come at times from a different direction such as when it’s not only possible to get boy jeans but actually they tend to be sought after by girls for being a better fit and having pockets that actually are deep enough to hold things why would any boy, any kind of a boy, actively chose super tight fitting girls ones?

And having done that pose in a very obviously girlish way too? To me looking at that the extent to which there was a 'code’ to which we slotted being a boy in hasn’t just been broke for a while (and there were issues within it  way before) but it has left some boys at least…lost.

Lost is how even from my own background is how I see that picture as if the only way he can see being a cowboy from is that of a more girl trying to be a boy rather than being a boy who is identifying with an actual grown male cowboy. I mean I’d only present that way he did way IF I wanted to BE a girl with all that goes with it.

As alluded to earlier on, I think part of the issue was that 'code’ had its own issues such as not being a complete picture of what being masculine meant so while we heard much about integrity, loyalty, protecting others and athletic prowess which are good things for boys it didn’t cover things such as empathy, recognizing and taking responsibility for your emotions knowing when ask for help and when you can deal with them yourself. It also tended to regard an interest in aesthetics and appearance as 'suspect’ that crossed at times a line into homophobic and other less than 100% gender conforming boys abuse.


Toss in powerful women making the most of equal opportunities taking roles previously held by men and men disappearing from boys lives sometimes literally sometimes just men as food providers and allowance givers rather than being central to the lives focused on the business of raising boys in an hands on way providing guidance then it’s not so surprising some boys lost their way not knowing what being a boy meant, carrying that socially.


That’s something I can relate to and while I’m sure at times you feel your own approach to communicating can seem unappreciated  like a voice in the wilderness, actually what you talk about can be of great value because it gets you to think more around what being a boy is actually about.


Going back to that cowboy picture, you reposted another very different image with a terrific commentary yesterday where the boy in question was very much presenting in  confident attractive and yes a masculine way. It was reblogged with that intact for a reason, it’s a page both of us have arrived at in considering what a boy can be with a kind of masculinity that’s complete meeting the needs of the whole boy AND without any femininity.


Your passion for the traditional boy nay the 'real boy’ you grew up with, the way in which you show those values have helped in causing me to reassess how the at times troubled understanding of what being that boy is. 


Your clear cut support of masculinity and how that is central to making the most of being a boy has encouraged me to move toward being acting more in line with its spirit not by aping you but by looking for and at that which is within me. 
That masculinity is one that meets my whole needs and yet be well within and inclusive of that traditional code whose odd issues apart did meet the real needs of real boys with spirit and gumption as well as feelings and a sense of purpose.


“What the _ happened with boys?” Well, by being around and talking about this, you have moved me along a path to one of finding a sense of being and inner happiness from being a masculine boy secure in what he is and feeling valued for the one he is becoming. There is nothing greater you could give this boy but to be his true self. 

Maybe more boys need that kind of input and straight talk?

*Originally published on Tumble Aug 23 2018

Progress for the New Term

This whole things seems to have a life of its very own as areas of my life are starting to change rapidly some parts even being literally binned away because of a considerable amount confusion and misunderstanding around who I am and from that my life's direction.

Life for a variety of reasons such as my disabilities, a odd style of parenting that was low on input but high on analysis having its own ideas about defining which boxes I should be in and some issues around gender identification and roles all featured in it

Thus you could fairly describe me as being troubled but more from a troubled childhood raising rather more and that is some of the things I am working through and in the past their have been more enlightened people who saw me as what I am a - a role seeking missile needing attention and tuition - and how did make more of a impact for the better in my life.

In so many ways that boy by the car is 'as old' as I get and sometimes less but for some of problems I have had with gender identities and roles is very much who I am and for the extent to to which I may be at variance help in finding a balance between some of them and the need to 'be' the boy you are in your social setting was more what I needed.

That is a big area I am working on now as some of the confused approaches ultimately didn't work for me and give me no proper sense of gender identity leaving me lost.

The irony was my junior teachers could and did work in their own ways on it so at least I had an identity in the front of my peers helping me to feel good about being a boy - my own sense of boyhood.

Pix credit: Neil Godfrey (born 1937) Resting Dancer, 1987

Bottom lineis devoid of any clothing  I am just like any other male so I am making more of an attempt to find ways of fitting more around this, to be more socially male, while finding the spaces for those things that don't slot so well in that causes the least issues to what actually matters - being one of the boys.  

One area where a combination of disabilities plus a failure to teach social skills was was in toilet training and where now I have learned to pee standing up keeping my shorts and underpants on like every other boy and man which will help with fitting in with male social norms and help me feel more like a boy.

Where there is little benefit to me, some aspects that crept into how I lived are just being discarded wholesale which after these years is almost like discarding a crutch you learned to live with but in reality this is so much better even if you feel emotional taking that step.

Learning to change, to grow up a bit more and to integrate more into the world of boys and men are what I need

Growth

It has been an odd week here with the end for now perhaps of one forum for boys like me and with the 24 hour blood pressure test I've had since my current medical side came to the doctors in the last three weeks.
It's kind of weird going around with something that beeps and squeezes your arm at preset intervals

In all this I am growing in my deeper sense in what it means to feel deeply connected to my  own masculinity, to love my male body and neigh be proud of being a boy who has walked away from the world of girls and women and to stand alone as a boy in his tribe of fellow boys as an equal in the World of Men and manhood supported to show his metal as a Real Boy.

The Ten life lessons that should be taught to the teenage male

1. Cultivate the three pillars of life
The three pillars of life—in order—are: body, mind, and social.

2. Small things will seem important while important things go under the radar

3. Screw your dreams, go for opportunities

4. Start developing useful skills now

5. Get off electronic screens

6. You can become a man whenever you choose to live as one

7. It’s time to start taking full responsibility

8. Learn to manage money

9. Go against the current

10. If you’re going through hell, keep going

Prayer for a Little Boy

The words from this have been an inspiration during this last week in recovering so I think this deserves to be placed where it belongs - here - on the blog about how I feel.

A recovering boy

This week was not a good week for me to be honest because I had been away the week before and had returned with a fair number of bites from midges, horseflies and indeed tics from being on grass and also going for a couple of walks.
I had a large rash on one arm from a number of bites, a couple of bites on the other plus a series on both legs and ankle area that did not appear to be subsiding.
On Saturday evening while doing some stuff on the computer, I started to feel very hot, struggling to breathe and feeling very sick to the point I had to stop what I was doing in a hurry.
Coming downstairs, I felt my body feeling crushed almost as if I was about to die any second.
It was horrible.
I forced several cup fulls of water down me thinking it may force some air through me and spent a good length of time sat by a bowl feeling sick and after a couple of hours had a paracetamol to lower my temperature before going to bed.
I prayed and prayed to God that I was a good boy, strong and was able to fight anything including this because I have the fight in me to protect and stand up for myself and as a CatBoy I have nine lives that can save me.
By about six o clock in the morning  I felt a bit better and decided I would get medical help the next day and obediently follow their advice and present as the boy in his school shorts too.
I got examined and I am being treated for Lyme Disease having been given penicillin based antibiotics to take for a week so I have to be good and take every single one.
I will need to rest as they make me feel yukky as they fight the infection so I will be in my uniform on the bed reading or listening to music as I recover.

Being away thoughts

 

This was very much the way I always saw me except at my school we didn't have blazers such as his very much the schoolboy in his grey short trousered uniform enjoying the carefree space before more grown up concerns and calls on your time start to kick in.

There's going to be much more of this going on as I will be taken out of my comfort zone to do more challenging things like climbing and exploring on terrain rougher than pavements to toughen me up.

If that wasn't enough I have to wear shorts all the time.

The time when I'd read annuals of comics cover to cover when I was ill and have a stash of the last months comics by my bedside too as they helped me cope with being a poorly disabled but courageous boy.

There will be copies of the Beano to read and no grown up tv.

I never saw the point of adulthood when I didn't feel and couldn't use it and so as I got beyond my mid teens I started to go back to being that short trousered boy.