Accountability and the Middle

Our lives as Middles have this running through them surrounded as we are around our clothes, our cute stuffies as part of everyday domestic life which takes me a very important area of Middles life and that is accountability.

Accountability as a concept is simply that as Middles we are expected to be held to account for those things that we are responsible for, such as our learning, our house-hold chores, the things we agree to do for others and our attitudes and behaviour as they affect us and those in our lives.

This sense of place thing does seem to matter  so actually putting us back in boyhood clothing and rules makes some sense.

This is because, whatever as individuals we have difficulty with, we are capable of exercising some that within the Adult world we interact with. We need  and are expected to meet some basic standards to be with you such as being truthful, reliable and so on.

As middles, we need our parent-like figures to support, guide and discipline us when we mess up, letting ourselves and others down and to learn to expect ourselves to be held to account as a matter of course rather than excused from it, that some of us including me have been in the past.

Having to accept swift, strict  punishment  is something some may baulk at but it is a need of ours to help us make the best of ourselves.

It’s a important learning we should not be excused if we are to grow up to be as mature as we can within our limits.

Daddy's Boy

Just been getting things ready for dad to return he's been a bit poorly of late so he don't come back to a list a metre long of stuff to do while really I'd rather have week of all boy all the time fun rather than a domestic assistant

Although there were a few issues over the years, I'm more a daddy boys really loving spending time with him and his interests like trains and electrics and he still sees me as "his boy" from the early days to day.

I grew up with things some have issues with and Golly's were one I had and collected things to get.

You can see reading this how by the late 1990's recieved opinion was changing even though many differeing opinions did exist.

Reflections on past incidents

This week I've been reminded of some of the distance I've travelled following the start of this blog and a number of events in my life that were very traumatic for me following my second best friends feeling overwhelmed by people demand their services for free just cos she's popular.

Much of that reminding came through recall of the incidents in trying to explain something however imperfectly about what I learned from them that helped me move past that may be of some use or comfort that even thinking about upset me.

Some of my thoughts and my problems around those events were that I never really processed them emotionally so much as attempted to stick them in the (emotional) trash can so they were hanging around and finding myself by accident processing them this week helped in drawing a line under what had happened.

I saw a site that had go in for some really heavyweight verbal abuse and liable at that time have people post on it this week that actually they never had an issue with me and some saying they didn't understand why it had all started in the first place when at the time it had left me feeling very frightened, vulnerable and even wanting to take my life.

I remembered all too well the nervous breakdown from 2006/7 when I had a very important community role with financial and other responsibilities where it was I was being left with essential tasks others with greater abilities  and non of my 'adult' functioning problems while willing left me alone to deal with them and a public who expected way too much.

Autism is very much like that when it comes to just how people treat some of us, damned if we do, damned if we don't, they tell us they aren't mind readers but they also don't want to be told cos they feel that's patronizing.

With regret I came to the conclusion problem was non-austic peoples presumption in favour of their own ideas not wishing to be open others and recognizing they themselves often mix-message which makes it hard to know just what they are thinking.

That was the moment I had to ungrow up and acknowledge a painful truth, that the era of pretend and masking needed to stop because functionally I was at the level and abilities of a child and simply could not cope with the sort of adult responsibilities such roles expected of me.

As  one employed person of said organization whose name I won't mention on the internet said "I really had to shield and protect him (me) from what he was expected to do and cope  with".

I left them with a excellent testimonial thanks to that person for what I had managed to do and started to work on rebuilding the links to my Inner Child and in time letting her out, feeling more at ease of being the chronological adult who is child in all other respects with same needs and interests.

I moved forward in my life by embracing and moving back to the past - my past and being the child I am.

On relationships and life

Relationships not least family ones have  played a negative part in my upbringing from distancing, not willing to get close to me or to encourage me to get closer, being more overly affectionate as well as a sense of suspicions between family members that just corroded any meaningful sense of trust and security I ever had.

Living in a world where you always watched your back, where telephone conversations were bugged, people lurked behind doors listening in  and mail read took its toll on me even to the point I was writing or drawing stuff about it in my teens on correspondence and never kept a formal diary in case it was read which it would.

What I long for as an adult little boy is the simple love and affection of a forever mother and father figure who will help me feel loved, wanted and secure so I can grow.
Is that too much to ask?

Junior Chris

One form of Junior me is like this, just devoid of blazer where the longer grey school shorts was changed for a shorter hard-wearing lined one similar to that wear by boys at my junior school did and where the V neck sweater allowing my shirt and school tie to show through.

The key word in this 'Junior', pre-teen, as that's very much how feel my inner child is and mentally I'm at as afterward the mismatch between appearing teen and how I was (and remain) really became more noticeable to the point I had to be looked after and even sheltered from some aspects of regular teen life.

Like many of us I guess I was feeling a bit despondent following Monday's announcement we were going into England wide full lockdown with stricter rules as I have done as much as I can to stay within them, looking after my health trying to keep transmission down when you've seen stupid and irresponsible behaviour  by others often go unpunished.

While we are told we "should" only go out once to exercise that wording doesn't imply you cannot or that doing so will be automatically a breach of the Corona regulations more that they'd rather you didn't.

In this district it is possible to go out and hardly encounter a soul so if you were that way minded you could probably do so safely with no more risk than being in your own (fair sized in my case) garden.

I guess it's going be more comic reading and time outdoors playing and at least this time the playgrounds will be open.

Online Little Sites - potential issues

This week I'm going to be talking about online communities because let's be honest often they are the means we do get in touch with each other given we can't walk down the high street with "Adult Little Boy", "A.S.B" or for the other sex "Adult Little Girl" on badges attached to our tops and starting a conversation with "Do you like to dress in school uniform or play with plushies?" has a high awkwardness probability.

Most of us know Tumblr, we have a love-hate relationship with sometimes, more hate to be sure but we use it cos it's usable on paper at least permits us to have accounts connected with it and it's not too hard to make new accounts if the idiots ban us mistaking a liking of being in that regressed state acting as if we are that boy although in law we're adults and we don't wish for any inappropriate interaction with actual boys (in law) but they seem to have different ideas.

That means sometimes you may investigate other sorts of communities on websites that might include virtual worlds which is where the fun really begins.

The first thing you will find is some groups have a long history and don't have visible pages even say a 'sample' page of what may be discussed or happen on site so you may not know if in fact the group is active even.
Who wants to play by themselves? 

Some have a kind of repairative family feel aimed more at those who regardless of sex have trauma or similar issues from the past and are aimed more at nurturing, regaining trust and confidence together with some guidance.

One issue I found troubling to do with one site is how one the one hand a lot of fuss was made about not wanting usernames that might possibly lead someone to think there was an actual child member to the point of banning "prince", "princess" "little" as in "little with name" but on the other hand permitted someone to have "X's Daddy" a term we'd all associate with being being a child or a term that signifies being a head teacher of actual boys and girls in a username.

The other is to my mind obvious which is people likely to use a site either have past trauma or developmental issues as I openly acknowledge personally or may be people who might wish to take advantage of them joining.

A user says they are experiencing a flashback from child abuse and so will be off line and NO ONE on site management posts anything or as  I found out even messaged them about it.

You don't need to be an expert  and there are limits on what as mere ordinary folk we can do but you can do a lot by being around, having empathy and attempting to reach out to that person.

That on a so-called "ethical age play site" to me is just so wrong - you have some responsibilities even it is to sign post for help or ask them to contact them later so you can look at how to help them on site.

It does make me question just how "ethical" they are and the risks involved in small unaccountable groups.

Traditional school role playing.

When I think about school and the idea of age playing it, that's to say you act like you're say a pupil at it, what goes through my mind is way in which those of us of a certain generation recall having our moments where we had infractions dealt with .
It wasn't for the most part an era where near enough every other week a new syndrome or condition appeared connected in some way to your being educated and even if like me you had a physical disability and were labelled as Educationally Sub-normal at one point, you still were expected to try to learn even in a school that may accept your disability as that.
I was disciplined at school like any other child and I knew others who were taken off their crutches or wheelchairs to be spanked like the rest of us because while having some restrictions on how far you may learn was accepted, the idea that you may in effect be excused from trying to learn wasn't.
The same applied to your behaviour say in the playground as syndrome X didn't mean you were told you can't really help it, you were expected to at least try to and be subject to the same strict rules as everyone else.
If I was to age play then, I'd need in school role playing situation the punishments of the time era we'd be set in and accept I was to get them like every other adult school boy or girl there including getting the cane.
It might be just the thing for me.

Littleness, regresssion and age-play

As ever on Tumblr there's a battle going on between people over what being a little is and any involvement of those under 18 in it however as ever there is more heat than light being generated by the keyboard warriors with many meme's and posts being put up and commented on.

This one is quite well intentioned in trying to explain the difference between age-playing and what emotionally appropriate behaviour that comes from being in actual state of regression where your responses come from the child within and less than any kind of scripted character you play.

 I do feel they have however got Little Space actually quite wrong because that is the emotional and behavioural environment  that as  a person who has regressed you have got into - you feel and so respond as that child - and not the act of being a little.

To get into it it is true you need to regress or otherwise release that child within an adult body or if you are like me not to have developed into it fully anyway.

There are some who are trying to put in a schism between the ChIRes advocates of littleness by regression and that of Caregiver/littles who are being characterized as a part of of the more 'adult' bsdm side.

For  me the whole point in a CG/l relationship is effectively that while in that headspace the Caregiver is providing the love, nurturing and support that is the equal of a parent or guardian arising from those needs as their little you have.

It is not necessarily sexual although some may enjoy that however meeting any sexual needs may find themselves which might be only in their 'Big' side of life.

They are not so much opposites degrees in which individuals chose to live their lives making informed decisions recognizing as appropriate the issues of informed consent as the bottom line always is that as adults legally only we can consent-minors regardless of any other feelings simply cannot deemed the responsibility of others such as parent(s) or guardians.

To me dressing as and being treated as a little boy is the pinnacle being in such a relationship

Age play

What does age play mean to you?

It’s not a phrase I use simply because my Middles with a little side flows from my inner child in real time less than the notion of say taking on a pre-defined role with an script, running more with actual child within emotional responses and  needs as it happens in real time. 

I'd call this 'age regression'.  It’s more space for my Middle with little side to express herself with the ‘play’ being the setting where she comes out.

It also is the case with developmental disabilities and brain damage, even at school, not least high school, I was considerably younger than my years which left me out of sync from my mid teens onward with most of my peers although I could share in say a love of music and some movies at least but with a lot their more grown up interests and sexual references going completely over my head, like they’d be talking about making out and I’d be more interested in having a teddy bears picnic or a tween sleepover

.
For me those situations either on line or in playmeets  with some of my friends over here are very therapeutic to me because they’re where I can really let that side of me out without the fear of people poking fun although the community where I live are very tolerant of my child-like ways and being know to have “special needs” does run  to my advantage in that way, allowing a greater degree of self expression than I’d of imagined after leaving high school.

How do you express you inner-kid: online? offline as part of your everyday life?

Online is fun as I am very childlike, cracking lame jokes, getting super excited but thankfully most people are at least tolerant of my childlike ways although I make serious posts on non IK sites but am very open at sites like DDLG World  about my little side sometimes really regressing in say a IK chat room
In what we call Real Life, as will be apparent later on, my 'big’ and I express ourselves pretty much the same, which can be fun  cos I just can’t help being myself as I use child-like phrases and words instinctively, often have plaything with me (my last works colleagues 'got it’ and were super understanding of me being very much a child to the point of buying childrens gifts at Christmas),  do dress in a more child-like way, often have cute plushies around, and easily move into little/middle headspace when I’m out, playing with thing.

My IK really comes out at Adult Little Boy meets and sleepovers, it’s just like boarding school which I loved having been to one and I’m always dressed as Middle in either playwear or English school uniform which fits me perfectly.

How do you view your innerkid? As an integrated part of you? As being totally separate? .. or maybe you don’t feel you have an innerkid per say just feel littler.

The answer to this is simple  which is to say I don’t have much of adult sense of self through the real world impact of learning, development and intellectual disabilities to the point much of the adult world is beyond my personal comprehension, having no interest or need to. 

I have chores like tidying up and helping with hoovering.

Basically I’m a child with a big age number living more like a child apart from paying taxes and that.