Facing reality

However I may look at it, the events of 2006/7 were very much where much of this whole realization of who I was and where things had began to unravel at a rate of knots came from.

From my early teens (so-called) I had felt pushed in to appearing to be mature not so much in behaviour which was and is still is very much less than but more by taking an interest in adult things that gave people the impression I had that sophistication that when matched by a more preppy look, allowed me to mask the real me.

In a lot of ways I was role playing, actually, pretending to be this urbane font of philosophical and political knowledge to the point of studying subjects around it because it seemed to gave me a place the grown up world could accept to the point I joined their organizations and adapted of sorts to their structures.

In time that would lead me to being directly involved in current affairs, even taking a central role within one organization so while other aspects of my life were not going so well on the face of it this seemed okay.

What started off as a great idea turned very much into a monster very quickly because in all of this, the masking lead me to ignore who I was and the very thing that I was discourage from accepting, that I lacked the one necessary thing to do it: An adult sense of self.

Chunks of what ended up as a severe nervous breakdown were rooted in areas such as being given roles to perform by people while wanting them to be filled and to be seen as an authority of fulfilling them  but without their own involvement. 

Critical meetings were missed due to too many other events and having no proper cover, not only had they not been attended and from that having lost our say, when I did attend I was left to defend why when we said someone was, nobody did.

The bigger thing in all this was for all that outward sophistication, I lacked the abilities of a adult to cope emotionally in this environment, not having the resilience, I struggled to read agendas with notes and follow meetings and could not relate to the others as adults simply because I wasn't one. 

I might as well as been a 13 year old in debating society, looking for the adults to oversee it.

It didn't take long before I was on leave because my nerves had gone, I struggled to get through a day even at work without crying and if I did attend a meeting I just froze over like an ice block.

That's when it really hit home about being me.

I AM A CHILD WHO'S AGE IS JUST OLDER BY THE CALENDAR, THAT'S ALL.

This was the point here I had to slowly put away that masked version and learn to live again as the child I am rediscovering play, dressing and acting more like my real younger self, finding out more about others who do similar things.

Noddy and I

Today I'm going to write something a bit different to what I normally do on this blog as generally I don't write much about books, especially book series I never had that much to do with but in a way actually it ties in rather well.

Enid Blyton it has to be said wrote a good number of the books that featured in my childhood not least the period around ten to sixteen years before people started pushing more 'adults' reading at me even if this series and its central character wasn't one I read much never mind collected.

Noddy is a very interesting character, living in a world known as Toyland, being made from wood and styled as an perfect naughty little boy often getting in trouble with PC Plod having an Uncle Big-Ears who was a parent figure.

The significance of this rests really on what adult wisdom cannot get and children do which is in reality although Noddy is actually (in law) an adult, is able to own and drive a motor car in many other ways he is not, he is very much a young boy having that kind of an outlook, not really responsible, lacking the awareness of what he'd be expect to know. He may be portrayed as a child but isn't.

In some respects then, to me he's a poster child of a person exhibiting a developmental order is like adult (legally) but child (developmentally).

He's got a inflated view of his abilities which may be more from having to 'pass' for an adult but as when challenged by Big Ears his father like figure points out, really he's not and if he'd been educated he'd see that but he hasn't and amongst other things, cannot count beyond twenty.

It's that which the subject of this book, the only one I bought with my own money, which is when it is he goes to school with the young children which you can in Toyland.

He has no idea of what what Miss Rap, his teacher means when she asks him if he knows his tables. Equally when asked to write on the chalkboard one thing he likes to eat he writes his own name because that's all he knows to write which annoys Miss Rap and all the other children laugh at him.

When you have a developmental disability, life especially in school can be like this as you're not functioning at the same level as the others, you have a defensiveness that can soon spill over to defiance, you tend to be very impulsive not concentrating and you don't always help yourself.

Noddy going to school ends with Noddy having learned some lessons, however painful about life having learned some social skills and taking part in a school concert.

I see a connection here in  me having to go back to learning what I struggled with both academically, where the story does extol the virtues of hard work, putting ones mind to things and also when it comes to how you relate and behave where Noddy is sent to the corner and when his friend Gilbert Golly after misbehaving is ordered to bring Miss Rap the slipper hanging on the wall.

Put simply I had to realize what I did  not know, having a sense of humility to seek out what I needed rather than allowing the trappings (for Noddy his car, for me, certain roles) to blind me to my true needs and address the attitudes I had that made my life worse than it needed to be.

Noddy needed his corner time, Gilbert needed that reminder even when it has put on hold until the very next time he was going to get a spanking.

I needed someone who was going to be strict with me so I worked to my full potential, being prepared to practise a lot  and given the difficulty I have in dealing with more complex ways of trying to change my behaviour, as that adult but child I needed spanking in the same way.

The bigger part of this life really isn't boot camp frankly, it's really more about having the environment that better suits your needs right down to being able to play on the floor with your teddies and toy cars even to the point you may now have a collection you just play with rather than just keeping behind glass or on shelves.

You just accept yourself as you are, a physically bigger little boy.

Being different

 Rather a rough week here with both the weather and a rather bad head meaning for instances I only got out the once on Sunday and I'm on painkillers and bed rest.

Anyway laying here with a few cartoons playing out on the Milkshake! block on Channel Five I was reflecting a bit on what makes me different to the point a specific reddit is a place I do check in most days for people who share the same sorts of issues as we all try to cope with something nobody prepared us for.

Most of us are broadly familiar with the development cycle of people as even if you didn't touch it in school biology classes, you'll observed different members of your family and how over time they have changed not just in looks but the sorts of things they are interested in and are more able to understand.

For most people it's a fairly linear concept, extensive needs changes to guidance that diminishes as you get older around the same point you are able to take on more responsibility to yourself understanding more of what being a grown up is.

Then suddenly you get a birthday card with a key on it and everybody says you're a young adult now as you're looking at getting a job or going to Uni.

Well it doesn't happen like that for some of us, I got stuck a few years before adolescence in lots of ways and even at that point I was more in tune with the class a year or two below ours struggling to keep up with them.

That gap got bigger and more pronounced as my peers became teens and especially by sixteen plus, just about following the subjects but very out of sync with teenage life simply because I wasn't  a teenager mentally.

People do struggle to actually understand how it is that many of us who often have autism, adhd and other issues are just like that, in many respects children who may have the gifts that come from really understanding some topics very well but many of the vulnerabilities and needs that a child have.

Often we are dismissed for "refusing" to act our age when in reality we haven't elected to not be grown ups we are only acting on our actual feelings, emotions and behaviour that we innately have because we don't have any other.

We struggle when where we are able to find work, much of the conversation not least at things like office parties revolves around adult programming, grown up leisure and  the like so we can't  talk about what we love to play with, the cartoon series we adore and our latest plushies.

And then there those occasions when what you are meaning is utterly over our heads and the times people try to take advantage of it.

None of us is perfect but please do try to understand us and don't condemn what you don't understand.

Being a looked after Adult Child

 

The way that we are, they manner in which our actual developmental age is poses questions that I feel like exploring this week in connection with how we connect with the spaces we share with people whose chronological age we have in common.

To me the tendency to ignore 'mental age' progression with very limited acceptance of how that leaves you leads to whole array of social problems so one of the first things that needs to happen is support services need to spend more time identifying mental age development to devise better ways of handling the existence of people like me who are functionally children and who struggle in adult settings.

A more modern issue is how modern social media deals with us as users.

In the past everything we may of thought we wanted involved going through somebody usually a grown up with some authority like a shop keeper or membership person for a club who could reject our request or deny access to any or all parts of it based on our age or how 'mature' we were.

Social media online is different. A few mouse clicks to say you're over 18 or just enter your date of birth  (or make one up as does happen) and you get full access to any and all groups and unrestricted access to messaging.

'X' applied recently to be a member of a Facebook group but wrote in their details that they identified as 14 year old being age dysphoric and were declined on the basis it was age inappropriate for them to to belong by a moderator.

Personally I feel to have accepted your developmental age accepted and validated by a responsible adult in that way was quite encouraging simply because we can be otherwise in situations we are unable cope with leaving us vulnerable and easily exploited.

I was deliberately shielded from some aspects of school social life by the Mr.Evans, Head of Sixth Form with teachers prepared to intervene for those very reasons.

To me, If we 'identify' as a minor - and many of us do because of how our development has left us  - then it is only right that they treat us like minors including banning us from adult content sites or sub groups because it IS age inappropriate.

I don't think I'm talking out of turn to say having to dodge such content is something we do find upsetting when people post it in our spaces on various sites such as Tumblr so to have someone care enough to ensure we don't see it is just fantastic.

If I cannot barr as a matter of course such groups online I think the operators should do that for me giving me the protections of a actual child onsite and any access to site moderators or counsellors to both help me manage my account and to get quick assistance with any situation I cannot cope with without help.

I would have to forgo any adult privileges in doing so but frankly that would make more sense. 

The A to Z of my staying with you

 

This week is shaping up to be a warm, pleasant week which given how the last few weeks have been here is no bad thing for being out as between sub zero temperatures and gusting winds it was hardly pleasant.

With the "Lockdown Roadmap" published  my mind and I suspect most peoples is focused on getting out and going away which I haven't been able to do for nearly a year with this covid-19.

When it comes to going away things are always different with me compared to most in that in the first instance whoever I stay with assumes some responsibility for me because of the limits on my abilities not just physically but also when it comes to my abilities to exercise responsibility and make quick judgments.

In a good many respects I have the position and all the authority of a ten year old boy staying with relatives because while I do have a say, the higher level decisions are made for me and I am subject to house rules in a direct way.

This is for a number of reasons such as I struggle with options, often getting confused around implications and consequences to the point of just freezing over, often I require supervision to make sure breaks and get to bed at a reasonable time so I have a no later than bedtime and can be sent to bed if I'm tired.

I do wear uniform when I am with them at all times except if we're going in a place where regular folk congregate such shops and the like.

That it ties in with my little/middle side and its needs helps to keep some inner tensions down between trying impersonate a grown up and in many ways the lack of such a side in me which just added to the difficulties following higher level discussion of the sort you expect of adults.

It is also helping me more deal with my emotions, sorting some of my attitudes out which people just faced with a potential meltdown in adult company didn't deal with.

Second Anniversary post Part II

The follow on from last weeks post continues in the vein of the Tumblr posts and expanded back ups on Wordpress over the two year period of That Traditional Schoolboy with some of elements that I touched on briefly exploring at ASB.org
Things are very different at the moment because of the Corona virus and the restrictions that has brought into place which has provided an opportunity of sorts to look at this whole matter of relating.

One unavoidable aspect is that for me it is not a role playing situation where you may taken on a role as a school boy, dress and start the reenactment post roles as a character to others so much as actually I have no conception of being adult and from that point on I don't relate to you at all as adult to adult.

Another element is connected with disability many of my carers and defacto authority figures were female so I didn't have much male import with much ill disguised male bashing surrounding me.

One thing that has rocketed in that two years is the extent I am not just wearing but am seen out of doors as that adult little boy so even in this emergency I am seen on the streets at the local store or technically exercising in uniform.

That on top of the developmental disabilities side of not being nor relating as an adult only amplifies that difference and it has lead to changed  relating and social interchange as I increasingly move in male only circles.

Picture me not a million miles removed from the boy above dressed in grey school shorts, blue or green double striped turnover grey socks who speaks to and who is asked how he is and how he is getting on.

A person who looks very much a boy being cared for by men on the street as they find him, who is instructed on what he should do, being told what he cannot do, who has to stand there feeling the heat as he is verbally chastized and cautioned just like a school boy - looking like one - by men who treat him like their own son that he knows

A little boy, with some adult privileges such as voting back in boyhood being raised by men who looks up to them.

Not a classic adult schoolboy role play of boys vs teachers with lectures and on the spot corporal punishment but almost as authentic and definitely the best thing that's happened to me since turning 18 in law. 

That's a change that's happened through ASB and that Tumblr

Mid teen regresive history

While out taking some exercise around the area I grew up in some thoughts around the past came very much into focus.

One indication of just how far the gap between myself and my peers had gotten by my mid to late teens was we were discussing one morning before registration a number of things such as what schools, not least our early schools were and what today we felt like doing  together where near enough all my friends were thinking more about parties and or maybe going to the movies and all I wanted to do was have a teddy bears picnic with them.

They thought that was a bit sweet but you know a bit odd too given they were all acting more like mini young men and well, I was still a Junior they looked after and they had more that older sibling authority over me although we were the same age seeing them as parental substitutes.

That's the strange reality with me and why 'ageplay' as term doesn't really describe what I do because it's just who I am 24/7 rather than a role I play for a brief period. A Junior.
That was something I forgot in my attempt after leaving school to get bye and what backfired a few years back so badly.

Dealing with situations

I will no long complain about my life because it is unbecoming of a man to be a bitch and it changes nothing. Instead I will work my balls off to change the situation for myself.

I will no longer entertain the notion there is no right and wrong and be prepared to stand up for what is right and fight what is wrong instead. I will stop being a little bitch and taking a effing stance.

I will no longer pout recognizing my life is harsh, can suck and isn't easy. Bad stuff happens to good people all the time but my pouting achieves nothing so i will choose to look on the bright side of life, appreciate wherever I am and take advantage of the opportunities I have.

I have a choice between a victim or a victor but the latter will never arise from the former.

I am not entitled to a single thing, someone else's money, a job nor happiness just the right to persue it. I have to earn it.

I will no longer entertain the idea that blaming others because when I do I relinquish any notion of power having control over my thoughts or my own future and hand them to others.

I shall take responsibility for my own actions accepting I own my situation and work toward improving things for myself.

I will not quit from those tasks and bars I am capable of, seeing it through working through pain and discomfort to achieve rather than expecting to be consoled and rewarded for being the very definition of a pussy.

Rather than insisting in having my views being beyond challenge, I will accept every man has the right to  challenge and confront them with the expectation I am able to defend them and allow me to trump other peoples.

While I will not look for a fight I will stand and fight my corner being prepared to meet out what is being given to me back to them, facing it down.

Rather than putting things off and being lazy, I will battle against such feelings to get done what I can for myself and others who depend on me as they in turned did for me.

Certified disabled

Well this weeks had a few damp patches in it with showers mixed in with sunshine and my Fur Affinity account being down for a about a day and bit due to some computer database thing or other.
In with the good stuff has been one of my Wordpress tumblr backups seems to gathering a following all by itself although I've scarcely promoted it rather like with here actually so I'm kind of pleased by it.
The bigger thing has been to do with an assessment I wrote a little about on here because of some changes about the money I get to help with me deal with my disabilities was changing and I had to apply for a new system.
Well that has finally been sorted  out and I've been given a full award for a long time with little more than brief checking I'm no better than I was at the end of it which is as good as it gets really.
Fun thing was that I was dressed as a adult little boy  in my shorts and that for that assessment which took me back to how bits of this started as a boy being examined , trying to get help for school work as well as help at home as I needed more help than most boys did so when home my folks could have a break and the battle to be accepted as being disabled, sometimes falling through what some people saw it as.
in 2019 an adult little boy of ten mental years is classed as fully disabled.

Age Regression Therapy Treatment

After the ten months since I found ASB.org and established an account on Tumblr one outstanding issue over a blog on the account run by another has been resolved with that being handed back to me as they've made their own.

This has meant I've taken more consideration over just where everything around this life has been and is likely to headed for the foreseeable feature.

I am being placed under Age Regression Therapy which means nearly everything is being taken back to a childhood state where virtually all adult aspects of life are going from my life from now on.

I will from now on be treated like a child by my parents in a strict but loving fashion and where I will be treated by all other adults as a child.

This has been agreed because I am a little boy who has not become an adult despite my chronological age and so continue to need the same handling while being afford the opportunity to learn to be more responsible as that little boy by being given a second chance.

As part of this treatment, I am to wear full time schoolboy attire which is appropriate for a boy under fourteen years of age including being kept in shorts indoors and out, wearing boys long socks and subject to inspection.

I am also to accept whatever reasonable chastisement may be necessary as little boy be it verbal or otherwise from the responsible adults who are going to care for me as if I'm a (chronological) child.

Birdsong at 4 is a nice thing as I'm still battling with trying to keep obsessive computer use under control as I have these totally obsessive urges to pursue a  line of thought to its conclusion or continue with something to its very end no matter how much time it is taking up or indeed into what the time really is. Thanks why I need a spanking at times.

It's probably connected to how autism works in me, like I can be so undermotivated at times to do something and at others when I'm not it's 180 degrees the opposite so yes it's nice not to be up before five not hearing the  an on the computer but the birds in the wood.

This is to aid me help me learn (and relearn) the skills I do need while in a social setting that ensures I am treated as developmentally I am so I am as independent as I can be while accepting I will never be an adult functionally.

You are not yet an adult...

There are a number of ways you can look at the whole idea of being an adult little boy and you see them around various sites.

One take is more of an individual being made to be boy, a junior in a relationship that he may be prepared to go along with but ultimately is of that other persons choosing.

Another might be in certain ways you *are* not yet an adult even if afforded that status elsewhere or as is implied in this caption the person is a teen who many authorities treat as a 'young adult' - a twilight world between child and fully formed adult and in this instance because of  ambiguity of role has been put into a boys uniform with clear message adult status isn't his -yet.

Personally I have to be honest and say I never ever felt remotely 'adult' in my life even if I may of had some more sophisticated interests and hobbies that I could hold my own in with people who clear were adults.

The minute we moved from them to something else, the deficit in my development compared to others would show as I was then a child-like person in a grown up world struggling to cope never mind feeling very vulnerable which I was.

Age dysphoria is like that.

I never wanted adult status because in so many ways I cannot use much of what it gave me and more to the point being given it removed the support and understanding of people that what they were (and are) dealing with is a child in an adult shell.

To me then to wear more boyish attire to the point of say a school uniform isn't just a quirk, a thing I just like the look of, it matches how I am, how emotionally and developmentally I am and does tend to lead more to an understanding that especially as I do look young physically I am more that child and tilt people toward understanding my limitations.

Some people may say "limitations, that sounds negative?" but no, actual child me had those limitations that were not so pronounced because I didn't need to do things that exposed them and in any event what did I do?

I went to school, joined activities and played and for those it wasn't so much of a problem for people so being that child was fine. 

The problem came when you wanted me to be an adult and I didn't have what it took to do that not because I didn't want to but because just turning an age - 18 here in the UK - didn't just give me the means but you expected me to do it.

To me then asb works as taking back in time coping mechanism  put putting more in the social environment where how I am seen matched again how I am and treated and if that means rules and some oversight then I'm more than happy to have that to regular adulthood.

Low expectations

One of the biggest challenges with me has been breaking the cycle of low expectations leading to low achievement because in my respects I had been written off by medical prognosis as educationally sub normal  and that any sign of learning was seen so miraculous that little attempt was made to really direct it.
It wasn't really helped by specialized schooling provision being very much less academic, not even at the time required to follow the same sort of curriculum but altered  to take account of your particular needs.
Indeed I recall a period at one such school where I was shocked that we seemed to be at least two to three years behind my last school being more like Junior 1 and so to be honest I was glad to get out to mainstream education where I did do quite a lot better for a low level of support.
Part of that was while respecting my  disabilities and being prepared to assist, I was expected from day one to work to the same standard as any other child, to do any homework and like the others when not smacked in class for it.
As well the work did follow national guidance for our age including examination preparation and taking which that other school by default didn't and in that way actually it was more like my Junior school being a follow on.
It just felt the specialist provision really was just parking me, meeting the requirement to 'be in education' but not developing me.

Raising an issue

Back in the day there was one organization that in effect I wasn't given the chance to join  because of the closed attitudes of my parents that continues to niggle at me and that was I was never afford the chance to join the Scouting movement unlike most of my peers because they didn't think Scouting could provide the assistance I might need although I was getting along in mainstream activities like games and that in Junior school even if boys did fasten my football boot laces for me and that.

Because they didn't think it could lead to a mindset that regarded even asking for as an imposition although I am sure many a cub scout leader of that era would of found a way of doing it informally even say 'buddying up' with another boy rather than paid adult assistants.

The consequences for me were increased isolation socially from the activities of my schoolboy peers, the development of feelings on my part I could never do what regular non-disabled boys could and the lack of direction in channeling my innate boyhood in a useful and maturing way by real mentoring by adult males.

That discounts the practical skills I could of learnt which all added to the deficit of 'life skills' I left school with and very low esteem.

I'd honestly love to have the chance to re do this properly cos while it would be hard for me I think it would do me the world of good.

Helping when I struggle

Although a good number of posts this year have of necessity dealt with I am being disciplined, it would be a big mistake to thing that was all my age regressed side is about or even all that happens in my relationships with people.

As a little/middle with my disabilities, I have a huge need to be reassured which involves carrying reassuring items about with me so you might see me about clutching a teddy or dolly going from room to room.

As well, although I love playing, I can struggle to start playing with you cos I cannot get the right words out to say I want to play with you instead just freezing over so you may need to help me with this, creating a space you encourage me to fill so I do what I love doing and it's better for all of us.

That's what being me involves.