Triggered and trying to pick up the pieces.

The week was due to end on something on high and anyone that read the post on Friday  on the other blog may well of been forgiven for thinking that  as I looked at how over the years I had actually developed and as a result of that the blog had reflected those changes in me.

Some of those things included people who were going to have a more parental input in my life to help me better manage it because I was struggling with it providing guidance.

 It's perfectly true to say emotionally and psychologically, many of us carry some baggage around with although for most it's something they have control over but for some of us it goes much deeper than that.

You might think you have it safely contained where it doesn't cause you any problems however this sort of traumatic events can jolt you back back very much in that moment reliving those raw terrifying emotions, freezing you, leaving you shaking badly.

For me personally I do go 'mute' in stressful situations, I stare out oblivious to what is going on around, I just shut down and curl up. It's a vulnerability I have to live with when I'm so overwhelmed I can't act to look after myself.

That's what makes a triggering episode like the one I had on Thursday really bad bring back painful memories of witnessing verbal abuse and physical violence at home and of inappropriate physical contact outside of it. It goes that much deeper than just something you'd rather never happened.

I supposed in a way it had to happen at a site very much for adults because with my mixture of learning/developmental disabilities I don't really slot into sites well because I do need generally a higher degree of moderation and 'hand holding' than most sites expressly for adults offer but either that sites that do are strictly under 18 or more general ones where some topics would (understandably)  be off limits.

What I need more - an more older kid style of site -  but for over 18's doesn't exist.

It just happened that in innocuously questioning a part of the main site entrance,  it opened up discussion things that directly triggered emotions from those experiences that left me shaking in my tummy  just even typing it.

I just feel at the moment typing this I need  to try to get this under some control and a part of that is to take a break from the site in question until I feel ready to log back in seeing posts without all these memories flooding back.

I think the whole topic that lead to this needs to resolved, "put to bed" so the thread and everything in it can just float away or be closed off.

For me at some point when I feeling better than I am presently, I would like to work toward some permanent closure  with the individuals concerned and  not just from a personal point of view  that's obviously a very important for me but also for them to try to work through their feelings on what happened and how it's left things.

To me it is that within my limitations, I do need when I'm better to resolve all of this in a mature way rather than just avoiding people who I did really like and mostly likely never saw where things would end up.

New Year reaffirmation

Seeing this is the start of New Year one might begin the second post of the New Year looking at resolutions which we have talked about at various sites, not just the more usual things around positions, material things and pay for those that are employed but more around the things we find difficulty with and in a less overtly religious way, our moral and behavioural traits not just in how they leave us but especially the impact on others of when get it wrong.

The following is the emotional age appropriate standard for me as a child/adult hybrid expressed in a way I can understand easier

Now that isn't too tall an order for us get to grips with so keeping to it is I feel one of the most important things this year for me to do.

There are lots of stresses and strains so perhaps you might too?

Light and Shade

The underpromoted blog is continuing this week even if I not in person to type it up the day before.

The week is special cos it's the first time in ages I have actually been away since most things stopped and being honest I don't know exactly what I think about that because our defaults changed so much even to the point where while our instinct was to flock to others you may of caught yourself seeing them as a threat to you.

It's likely to be more a low key, more restricted affair although notionally at least in England we can pretty much do anything that doesn't contradict someone elses rule or polite request.

 

It's more a opportunity to put a big more of a shining star in our lives, finding out a bit more of our ability to endure and move on from where we've been stuck since March last year.

That's been pretty much all I've been holding on to.

This life and how it is yours

I will be away next week so I'll need to decide what to do about an entry here and on the other blogs and if needs be set them to publish automatically.

I was out for a bit last week and a overheard conversation is something I feel talking about as it is relevant.

As some of you might know I had a career in Child Abuse prosecution so apart from former professional interest in keeping up with the latest guidance and research around the topic you could say I know a far bit about this.

Generally most research has shown the majority of children abuse in all forms tend to subject to it from within their own extended family and people who ordinarily children have contact with such as teachers, people in sports, scouting etc which is why we have safeguarding policies and procedures subject to inspection.

Strangers while having a potential to, play a small role in the overall scheme of things, certainly less than the "stranger danger" campaigns might suggest.

So to recap, the person likely to pose a risk probably looks like the average family man or woman.

I was going having a bit of time to kill in a small town park, admiring the gardens, watching the park staff out maintaining the grass, keeping myself pretty much to myself making no contact with any child as I became aware of man with what looked like a female partner following me.

I decided keeping a low profile probably was a good idea.

A few minutes later I hear his partner saying "and why are following them?" to which his reply is "They are wearing school uniform in a park and it's suspicious, like why would they?"

I had on at the time a red waterproof adults jacket, a grey pair of shorts that might well be associated with school, longish all grey socks but not turnover tops, hidden a blue adults piquet neck polo shirt and black children's shoes (cos well I am a child's fitting).

So only two items might meet his description at best but on his basis I'm so obvious, why hasn't it occurred to him I am hardly going do any thing on a very public setting especially when I not situated say by a swing but sat by a sensory garden for disabled people even if I was thinking interacting with a minor, which to avoid all doubts I most certainly would not?

It would be absolutely stupid to even try it and in my experience children can tell a adult 'playing' a child by looks from a child.

If you wanted to do that you'd be far better off dressing more like someone's Uncle or Dad with a t shirt and jeans on, blending in and there are very few cases of adults in any sort of school uniform caught making inappropriate contact with children.

I decided "bugger it" and just carried on as normal because I was doing nothing against either the law, a park by-law or causing a breach of the peace and challenging when he had not expressed those opinions directly to me or the public at large wasn't worth it.

Still it does show the stupidity of prejudice and the extent some feel it is their job to monitor others when they are not the police or park officials.

It's not putting me of being me cos there is nothing illegal or wrong with it.

Harvest break week thoughts

After tomorrow what was my Junior School breaks up for the Harvest break for just over a week a ritual that was punctuated by Harvest Festival that usually meant learning a reading, the whole Juniors practising the hymns, the Minister or Vicar giving a talk about harvest and thanksgiving and a collection by us with help from our parents of food to help the most needy in our community.

It's probably apt then that I spoke for a bit this weekend with Karl who was one of my boyhood friends at Junior School and, knowing me, is one of many boys and girls of that era here who respect me for what I made of my life given the stack of cards I had, doing things that many of them didn't.

We spoke with the natural ease of boys together many decades on that reminds you of that bond and those shared values you had and as the week progresses there is every probability I will see todays boys of the age we were who curiously enough are just the current generation version of us and exchange a few words with as they play and I enjoy what has become this lockdown my playtime too.

Boyhood is a link across the generations.

*based upon a ide from the old TSB and the wordpress back up.

The M.I.A. Edition

Hello again! 

There we were in the throws of celebrating the second anniversary of my Tumblr, and how that had lead to processes that had restored both my vigor and a clear cut identity as just a boy with his own personality as Tumblr decided to give me a spanking and remove the account it was on and two others.

I think the most important thing for us to realize is as much we enjoy social media and websites, people or even the sites themselves are always in state of flux and the relationships that really  matter with them or those that went to personal ones through emailing or face to face encounters and that we can't restore things to how they were.

Sites do go over time - I can think of five of the top of head I belong to between 2005 and 2009 that are no longer with us such as my beloved Friends Reunited - that we may miss but they are either replaced as a good few have for all intrusive social media or that we replace by with real life activities such as munches or play meets.

That blog, The Traditional Schoolboy lives on as indeed I do in real life on Wordpress where I will be writing a entry per day in the same style as the Tumblr but with some additional text to match the back ups that I had made since November of 2018.

I have established a new Tumblr but rather than posting all the content there I will use it to promote the Wordpress continuation of TSB as the one lesson that I need to learn from this 'spanking' is they can just pull several thousand posts an two years posts with no way of just importing and resuming.

Sometimes the best response we can make to such situations is to simply move on.

Being there

Sometimes you just might wonder why things happened the way they did, like why would it take exploring your past on a site by posting pictures of things from your childhood and writing about them should result in you having a clearer idea of who you are removing some of clutter others tried to drag into it.

Sometimes people  play all kind of silly identity politics games such as saying they don't feel the gender they were born with or even have an identity but most of time that's more they think because they may be slightly different than most of their real gender peers that makes them a whole 'nother gender.

There are times people try that on you but it became obvious that wasn't really me because I loved being that boy then and that really my issues really stemmed more from how my conditions and disabilities have left me still as that boy but with much of the world thinking you're a grown up and trying engage with you as one.

The thing I found on social media like Tumblr and on ASB was that there were people for different reasons saw themselves as Boys still who did play and have similar interests to that from their boyhood and that at ASB in particular they even dressed as schoolboys.

That kind of thing was where I was at around my mid teens really hating the few signs of puberty like hairs on arms I'd grown so in a way it was a dysphoria strictly speaking when I started to dress younger when I could.

Unlike some at ASB though I don't see being that boy in terms of wearing a uniform when it comes to presentation simply because we had play clothes for when we weren't at school so I do have more boys casual clothing for weekends playing locally mirroring that of todays boys of chronological age.

We had "best" for things like going to the theatre, church and big family occasions but otherwise at home I wore more casual shorts or sports shorts with t shirts and that's where it is in 2019 too.

I know my 'tribe' and I'm happy to be a boy cos boys are the best!

Triggered and trying to pick up the pieces

The week was due to end on something on high and anyone that read the post on Friday  on the other blog may well of been forgiven for thinking that  as I looked at how over the years I had actually developed and as a result of that the blog had reflected those changes in me.

Some of those things included people who were going to have a more parental input in my life to help me better manage it because I was struggling with it providing guidance and oversight and also by consent, spanking me which has worked well.

It's perfectly true to say emotionally and psychologically, many of us carry some baggage around with although for most it's something they have control over but for some of us it goes much deeper than that.

You might think you have it safely contained where it doesn't cause you any problems however this sort of traumatic events can jolt you back back very much in that moment reliving those raw terrifying emotions, freezing you, leaving you shaking badly.

For me personally I do go 'mute' in stressful situations, I stare out oblivious to what is going on around, I just shut down and curl up. It's a vulnerability I have to live with when I'm so overwhelmed I can't act to look after myself.

That's what makes a triggering episode like the one I had on Thursday really bad bring back painful memories of witnessing verbal abuse and physical violence at home and of inappropriate physical contact outside of it. It goes that much deeper than just something you'd rather never happened.

I supposed in a way it had to happen at a site very much for adults because with my mixture of learning/developmental disabilities I don't really slot into sites well because I do need generally a higher degree of moderation and 'hand holding' than most sites expressly for adults offer but either that sites that do are strictly under 18 or more general ones where some topics would (understandably)  be off limits.What I need more - an more older kid style of site -  but for over 18's doesn't exist.

It just happened that in innocuously questioning a part of the main site entrance,  it opened up discussion things that directly triggered emotions from those experiences that left me shaking in my tummy  just even typing it.

I just feel at the moment typing this I need  to try to get this under some control and a part of that is to take a break from the site in question until I feel ready to log back in seeing posts without all these memories flooding back.

I think the whole topic that lead to this needs to resolved, "put to bed" so the thread and everything in it can just float away or be closed off.

For me at some point when I feeling better than I am presently, I would like to work toward some permanent closure  with the individuals concerned and  not just from a personal point of view  that's obviously a very important for me but also for them to try to work through their feelings on what happened and how it's left things.

To me it is that within my limitations, I do need when I'm better to resolve all of this in a mature way rather than just avoiding people who I did really like and mostly likely never saw where things would end up.

Family life

Somedays things just come crashing to you,  a bit of the past that jolts you as if a meteor struck you as you were just walking on down the sidewalk.

It was really about some thoughts that I had with my second best friend at high school at the time, she faced a lot of physical challenges in her life but she had hours of time to try to understand me and we were chatting would of been early 1982 about tv and what we saw mattered to us.

You know, the kind of totally random teen stuff that actually in hindsight was really pretty significant for how I saw and felt.

Let me explain. On commercial tv there was a long running American tv show about family life across the decades called The Waltons that featured this extended family sharing lifes ups and down together in rural Virginia, and the head of the family John Walton Snr, operated a lumber mill and supplemented their income with a small-scale farming. They took in people and shared a lot as a family united, attending church on Sundays.

That's probably was much as I need to say for the purposes of this entry as I'm not writing a essay on the series or anything as it's what's in more modern parlance a "Slice of life" series seeing the family grow and change over time in accordance with events such as the Great Depression, WW2, the Great Society and Civil Rights  era and so on.

The thing Linda and I were discussing was Family: what it means to be in a family, our involvement or interaction if you like with with Mom and Dad, your immediate siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles. The extent it is a 'unit' and all that.

We were also comparing and contrasting our own relationships  with our families to what we had been watching.

In a lot of ways she saw many parallels  between that of how she cared for them as much as they had to do quite a lot for her and the fictional family we saw.

I once said half joking to Denise one recess If it was like mine, then everybody would be off doing totally their own thing, with Mom trying to hold the thing together and me behind a chair on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

That may sound kinda melodramatic but there was and still is the lack of bonds between everybody, no real sense of feeling for one another, for me it wasn't a place of safety with one sibling who'd think nothing of verbally and financially abusing me which wasn't really helped by my being able to spot in seconds any outright lies he was telling to get more for himself as he felt hard done to and obliged to report it.

That's before you bring in Pop who'd explode at the slightest thing, throwing stuff across the room, propelling me in a chair into corners like trash, threatening to burn down the house.
You see, that's the big comparison  between what family was like for her and for me and to open about this really hurt.

This whole experience left a big legacy with me, not least a very strong feeling of longing, almost desperation to loved and cared for.

What I wanted so much was physical and emotional intimacy, a feeling beyond mere words of what it means to 'belong', to be bonded and have bonds that outlast their very beginnings, that provide emotional comfort promoting personal confidence and development.

A relationship that would teach me what I needed to know to get by with people, to be able contribute to it, helping me to stand on my own two feet as a grounded individual within the wider unit.

A wider unit that shared a common purpose, the raising of and looking after that family that was prepared discipline me in a loving, structured, affectionate way so fulfilled my role and expectations within it and our wider community.

I wanted to be...in the Waltons family.