2017 Review

It is the custom on to write an annual review  on a blog and That Traditional Schoolboys's Dorm is no exception where we gather trends and notable episodes and here they are usually connected to my behaviour, attitude and disciplining.
The starting point is this blog was made like the other only this year although I have been regressing  for quite a number of years and this one in particular looks more at my emotions, feelings and the role of spanking in my life as an adult schoolboy.
I try to write it in a way that is more interesting than just a few words to a picture or relay as I've seen many especially on Tumblr do on just repetitive images because when I read a blog, I hope to learn something of the individual and what this life means to them.
One thing I hope should be clear to all is it isn't a spanking blog but a blog that covers spanking in my life so my life, my emotions and feelings which do feed into situations where spanking is how I'm disciplined is covered rather more than just blogging about spanking that frankly bores the pants off me.
One thing I am  talking rather more about is how my disabilities effect me, the stress and frustrations I feel and how that can and does effect my interactions with others in part because just writing about such things as feeling your needs are ignored in the political debate and how the changes to government social programs affect and influence my responses.
Coping with changed circumstances and some of the bigger issues with my family has been a challenge but a good measure of how I've matured is I haven't kicked off over it regardless of what from my point of view is provocation. 
Another has been how the support  over the years is helping to change some of my more immature responses to situations to one where I do take more responsibility not just for myself but also for others by doing things for everyone from helping more while away to actively taking a part in preparing and cooking what we are eating.
Moving to being a passive consumer of others contributions to making a contribution.
That change has helped me come on leaps and bounds this year learning to be more mature within my limits as that adult but child schoolboy, doing what he is capable of  and that has to be good.
Another thing has been working on some of the confusion and interference by others when it comes to my own sense of gender with support from people who are prepared to actually listen, taking their cue from me.

Part of that has been encouraged to read stories around boys dealing with various issues and disabilities with a focus that was a part of my life in junior school, playing soccer with the other boys.
It's not just learning how to cope with things but also so I recall more those social bonds and from that recover that sense of deep masculinity within me so I own the  boyhood I had before all of that other stuff crept in but on my terms as that boy.
In 2017 then I'm getting the support I need to enjoy being who I am.

Pre Christmas Edition

*** MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR FOLKS ***

Your regular service will resume on December 27th

Establishing a mature independent you...

I recently saw this which was originally published by the artist Kittycouch in April that I thought summarized so well what trying to be a mature independently minded person with your own boundaries but also respecting other peoples ideas is about.
I just thought in a week that saw some drama in one Age Regression community and also at the spanking needs site this is somethat's needed as everything within it applies and it is I aspire to in handling differences which everyday normal things between people.

The real dysphoria for me

 Sometimes things just come to you

For so long as as it's all being going on people have been talking about how you might be different than others when they look at how you are socially and it probably is true a tiny handful of people are so at variance that perhaps they could be seen to have a gender based dysphoria.

Some people used to think I did cos I had the odd thing that was different to that more in tune with girls at that time although today that's not something you could say applied.

The real dysphoria for me was never about gender (and much of the stuff around that came more than people who had their own issues) but more age dysphoria in that I never and still don't see myself as anything remotely grown up - a man in other worlds.

I remain in most respects very much a boy, a juvenile, and my dysphoria is how that applies to how people seeing a bigger bodied me treat me inappropriately by applying judgements and standards that apply to men when it is that what is within is still very much a boy of around ten years of age and certainly no more advanced than a average twelve year old, admittedly an intelligent one.

Whatever you see on social media, there's really two genders not sixty three and counting including cross species and most of us are one with the odd personal variance.

To me it breaks down to this: 

A schoolboy can wear a kilt to school  as well as shorts or long pants and has absolutely no need unless 'he' is going through transition to girlhood to wear dresses and be called a gender he most certainly is not.

HE is even in his own individual variations a BOY and the sooner we accept that, the better.

The only thing I want to be called is a Male and a Boy and that is because it's what I am the odd variation aside.

Going back to going forward

The endless discourse in my life around sex and gender has taken a good many years to resolve including resolving the misunderstood points, peer pressure and manipulations of others even though you could say in hindsight, the person who knew best actually was me had it been I'd of more aware of the whole topic and had the language skills to do so.

Sex and Gender can have ramifications beyond the academic or purely personal interest level though of which one is just the whole business around buying your own clothes and specifically the area of underwear cos while some forms of attire can be seen as for either or any gender underwear brings its own things such as actual physicality.

Like most boys, until you got to certain age usually connected with either romantic involvements or leaving school your mother bought your clothes and if you were lucky, you'd have some say in it.
Because I was around as a child/teen in the nineteen seventies and early eighties, you were bought boy briefs because your sex was that and for most they would be Y fronts even though it was also the start of point I was trying to figure out why my gender preferences didn't always line up with other boys.

Around late February 1987 when Nick Kamen was stripping off in the Laundromat to his boxer shorts , the very short lived LM "Lone Male" magazine had a feature on boxer shorts which I did try for a while but did find that the tended to ride making for an uncomfortable experience 'down below' and why they may of been cooler than my polyester mix Y fronts they provided no support where I at least needed it.

Under the influence of some in the transgender community, specifically transexuals who thought *everything* I experienced growing up and since  came down to my gender being trapped in the wrong sex body the issue became one of which sexes underwear do I wear. 
And yet briefs are just that beyond being cut for your sexes anatomy and I couldn't see how anything cut for females could really fit well.

I then found I was starting getting much more into regression which in some respects made what was something I didn't feel actually helped me, so the idea of  presenting in a more feminine way was  more redundant because school age regression with uniforms isn't something you 'pass' at in city centre coffee shops and I started drifting back to where all this started, being a school boy who was a boy but had different gender preferences in some areas.

Through my exploration of age regression as a boy and adult school boy I started to move toward putting together a uniform and more boyish 'play' clothes but that returned the focus back to underwear because I knew  what I had worn first time round but had not  changed since.

Though ASB I found out the standard of choice was what I had worn in my childhood and feeling that that whole period of female presentation in  any form had not done anything for my actual problems like feeling good about my sex and finding a way of handling doing both masculine and feminine things and still feeling 'a boy at heart', decided to bite the bullet and put myself back into Y fronts and ditch all else.

One thing I noticed straight off was underwear actually designed for my sex fitted better where it needed to which was a far bit more comfortable on me when doing more physical things.
I am finding ASB age regression is helping me learn to love being a boy all over again, feeling able to hold my own accepted without prejudice as a boy and nothing less and making one decision to embrace my sex and wear our standard has helped in re-integrating me back to being the best boy I can.

That ironically was all I ever wanted from the issues I had around gender preferences and presentation.  

* This is where I feel most comfortable, a boy in his uniform, playing wearing his Y fronts and happy*

An Authentic Chris

Here at the dorm I've been rather busy dealing with the Blogsphere tm of this is one of a few in this family of blogs that go back to the mid 2000's that deal with different aspects of my life overlapping a little but with main focus which so reminds me of school Venn Diagrams that one was to draw neatly or be suitably admonished.

In someways then it's perhaps for the best this member is fairly recent as all the 'baby steps' in blogging happened before and had been learnt from so the same mistakes had not been repeated.

An often repeated comment I hear at various sites that sadly I'm less able than I'd like due to my physical disabilities is around the extent in a world where people do cultivate an image of themselves and their abilities to the point when one interacts with them either messaging or face to face even there's a gap between what you read and what you see with me I'm very much the same on any site, any kind of 'chat' and  when I've been privileged to spend time face to face with people for extended periods.

The word that comes to mind is "Authenticity", the extent to which one is true to yourself in harmony with your own spirit while respecting rules and social conventions that make life frictionless as we all know what to expect.

Thus while on one blog I do write more of joys of littles regressed life and here around emotions, attitudes and at times role of corporal punishment in my life neither denies what the other centred on and where all is intertwined, the one whole me.

What I write about is what I feel, what I have experienced and actually know routed in my life albeit my education, employment and learning more about coping with my actual needs rather than what may know second hand or the views of those who write about what they have read.

The one thing towering over all is a childhood that was very much routed in being in an actual boarding school for much of my education which went beyond of curriculum subjects but in moral character building and standards and one that understood you learn through consequences, believing strongly in disciplining you very much for ones own good.

What I have to say around this and as it applies in particular to corporal punishment  is very from having received it 'in loco parentis' several times each deserved and from that how that changed for the better those attitudes and behaviours first hand rather than any kind of role playing fantasy.

I know it works well with me as it did with most of my peers at the time not just in nipping our behaviour in the bud but also of deterrence of the class,  year group and ultimately whole school from acting on such impulses.

The benefits in terms of being able to study, to have your teacher just come in and start the lesson and carry on with everyone engaged rather than endless low level disruption might surprise present generations!

It is that I suspect the last person who commented picked up on in the broader sense in that I am the product of such an education and it shows in my work.
Thank you for your compliment.

Getting your masculine mojo back

Getting your mojo back can be a problem not lest if you've had the kind of background I have had but there are a number of things I find can help with it so you feel more the masculine boy you are.

One of the first things is to reduce the gap between what you think and what you do. As males we're a mixture of the innate and the cerebral where we do have the ability to take control of our thoughts and behaviours so it makes sense to ensure they are connected to identifiable end.
Be sure you know what the intended outcome of your actions are and start from there.

Integrity matters and not just for the other person so it makes sense to live with them, honour your commitments, make a task list, completing it.
The key to it is to do what you said you were going to being true to your own word.

Finally work on building up your courage which can appear to a hard task in a risk averse society like ours. Challenge yourself whither that's something connected with endurance or say learning a practising a new hobby or interest.
Don't go with the easy familiar option following the escalator everyone else uses  and learn to become more comfortable with being out of your comfort zone, trying something new.

Growing up Chris

One of the things I do struggle with is face to face interaction not least opening up a conversation with people cos I get so super nervous I just freeze over or not have the conversation I had intended in my head.
So it was actually pretty good I managed to start one with my second best friend this weekend talking to her about her life, her studying animation while listening and even making eye contact with is something I've had feedback on before now as I find that...so oppressive ordinarily.
Like I can recall this being brought up in a staff review looking at client interaction several years back in what was generally a excellent review as a potential barrier to communication.
I also found the work I have being doing over the last five weeks or so on putting together a PT routine for me paid of well but with unlike last time being able to get across the from the rail station to a bus interchange without getting out of breath propelling my wheeled suitcase and bags and also while i have difficulty with steps and uneven surfaces I was able to keep up with the group as we walked through woodland and canal tow paths for a good mile or so to where we were eating without breaking out into a deep sweat or struggling at the back.
That for me is really good going.
I also did co-operate fully, helping out with preparing the evening meal two other guests consumed on the Friday and baking the sponge cake for the Party without a murmur of discontent even when I had to make another sponge as one of my haves didn't quite take in the oven.
Changing my attitudes around looking after my needs and also contributing, being expected  help out has not been easy given my past but with a lot of encourage to help and the preparedness of people to strictly discipline me over it, I am starting to develop more of a sense of self discipline to help me be more mature in that way even with the oh so real limitations in other respects.
I did great this weekend.

Attitude audit

Well, I'm going to be off in a couple of days time spending regressed time with others so I have tried super hard this time to get most of these posts written up ready.
Today's is a bit different in that it's about my social skills and attitudes which are more of an issue when I'm naturally with people rather than say on my own and how far I've come on.

Until I heard of the expression "self sabotage" from my second best friend some years back I was never real able to explain how it while I believed in the ideal inevitable I'd end up up just enough to scrap through at best and often set out on line that would result in doing worse than I can by not preparing properly, not making a plan and just allowing myself to be distracted from what it is wanted to do for something more enjoyable or less effort.
Part of this was the belief that because I struggle though my disabilities with things then I could only fail so why even bother especially when few peopled cared if did try.

This is one I'm pretty good at and do take shoes off or change to slippers when I visit people even though I wasn't raised at home to.

I'm pretty good at this, not being inclined to enter into gossip sharing sessions with people or otherwise dish things up to people.

 More often than not I'll go help somebody struggling but have struggled with the idea of helping as in contributing to something by giving my time and effort but is something that is being worked on.

You may of heard of yo-yo dieting  but I've tended to be yo-you over taking exercise from my mid teens onwards, never looking cool and always wanting to do things involving being still to the exclusion of anything physical.
It may not help having a physical disability but not undertaking exercise of any form make that worse for me. I have been exercising for about forty minutes to an hour in sessions after thing about from clothes feeling a bit tight I was struggling with walking even short distances which does seem to be helping.

 Another not good at although I am currently eating banana's and apples daily preferring chocolate caramel bars.

This is one I have always struggled with generally because of issues in  our family history, what from my point of view I see as their reluctance when young to be actively involved in raising me, issues with them over gender identity, refusing to accept professional opinion when it came to disability diagnosis's, lack of support in my learning to the point of ignoring poor work and calls to attend meetings to discuss and so on.
One affect of this is I had developed a disrespect for adult authority, a switched offness  to any engagement and don't take advice well.

Generally I'm pretty good at being helpful, properly empathize more being left out deliberately by groups for gender or disability reasons

I'm pretty good over personal hygiene such as covering my nose when sneezing and washing my hands before eating and cooking even when after allowing myself to be distracted even if that adds to my being late.

We  should put an X through boy and replace by girl and usually I'm on the edge of talking back usually as a defense mechanism to brush them away lest they hurt me and my feelings which hasn't been helped in the past for seeing other people as having the same exact authority and non OVER me.
It also didn't help that those I was with believed in letting me try to control OVER them as a way of coping with MY needs.

More often than not I do clean them, mind you with anything to hand such as screwdriver blades etc and always scrub them after handling anything they may of sank into.

 I'm usually pretty good over respecting other peoples space or property as a rule

For a long time I tended to switch from being a wall flower, feeling very awkward socially to doing something that was bound to grab attention even if it either put me in physical danger, made other people unhappy or worried. I didn't care so long as you couldn't ignore me  and I feel that sense of being ignored rather encouraged it rather than being helped to have a role people could learn to value and perhaps I might value  what I could add too

I've been generally bad over this tending to be caught up more in the moment being with someone or doing something I feel compelled to continue on with not helped by feeling at times that you should fit more around what I'm doing.

 As a former politician arguing for the sake of it was a stock in trade  even when in practical terms it made little difference and caused more issues than it solved.

I'm pretty good over borrowing you know. Like  returns stuff prompt looking after it super carefully

Still a difficult one as I tend to dump and run, never really making time to put things away in any real order and when people move them getting super annoyed with them soon moving to argument not being prepared to back down

I like to drink milk put the people I live with seem to think I prefer tea. I don't as it's just role playing an adult if ask for tea and I like cookies with me milk instead.

If anything my problem is less around taking more than I need to claim it for me so much as being a  poor and at times fussy eater with genuine restrictions on diet too with intolerances and allergies.

As having read this you can see there is much when comes my attitudes and that I do struggle with which is why rather late in the day I'm getting a lot more targeted  help at them as in many respects I really should of learnt and moved on from many of these eons ago and why if I'm with you it helps if you try to hold me more to account so I do change and those that have become more second nature to me.

Getting it straight

The week here so far hasn't been particular stressful just writing my blog and reading a few Tumblrs, not that I have as yet as my experiences elsewhere online haven't been good.
One thing I do wish to comment upon is that really there are only boys and girls when it comes to genders not the multitude some seem to put about and that also does NOT include cross-species genders such as fawngender.

You may have a few atypical likes for your gender which is well within the norm but you remain still either a boy or a girl because no amount of fancy titling, hormones or attempts at altering the appearance of your sex organs alters the fact your internal wiring is and remains that of your real gender.

As we grow up we need to learn male skills like how to keep ourselves clean shaven and only males can because they have that personal knowledge and as that young boy along that route we learn it from from older boys and male siblings.

A boy is best brought up as he is - a male

The other thing is that boy has no need for long trousers, boys like me NEED to kept in shorts ideally short ones to help ensure I am handled for my actual emotional and intellectual development as a immature person over the age of 18 who only has the capacity of a child and needs adults to be my responsible grown ups in charge of me.

I'm a Boy

One girl was called Jean Marie

Another little girl was Felicity

Another little girl was Sally Joy

The other was me, and I'm a boy

My name is Bill and I'm a headcase

They practice making up on my face

Yeah, I feel lucky if I get trousers to wear

Spend evenings taking hairpins from my hair

[Chorus]

I'm a boy, I'm a boy

But my ma won't admit it

I'm a boy, I'm a boy

But if I say I am I get it

Put your frock on, Jean Marie

Plait your hair, Felicity

Paint your nails, little Sally Joy

Put this wig on, little Boy

[Chorus]

I wanna play cricket on the green

Ride my bike across the street

Cut myself and see my blood

Wanna come home all covered in mud

While I understand and have worn dresses occasionally in the past, there is a difference between that of denying or as the lyrics of this great song by Who suggesting being forced to be a girl never mind a girlie girl and having your sex denied for their own ends typically a mother that wants only girls.

My gut feelings are very much from the protagonists angle, I just wanna do a lot of boyish things even if there are some feminine things I like doing and I know if I do wear a kilt I know  what I am: A boy who is happy to wear a kilt and NEVER to wear a girls skirt or dress.

In that way I'm all boy.

Raising an issue

Back in the day there was one organization that in effect I wasn't given the chance to join  because of the closed attitudes of my parents that continues to niggle at me and that was I was never afford the chance to join the Scouting movement unlike most of my peers because they didn't think Scouting could provide the assistance I might need although I was getting along in mainstream activities like games and that in Junior school even if boys did fasten my football boot laces for me and that.

Because they didn't think it could lead to a mindset that regarded even asking for as an imposition although I am sure many a cub scout leader of that era would of found a way of doing it informally even say 'buddying up' with another boy rather than paid adult assistants.

The consequences for me were increased isolation socially from the activities of my schoolboy peers, the development of feelings on my part I could never do what regular non-disabled boys could and the lack of direction in channeling my innate boyhood in a useful and maturing way by real mentoring by adult males.

That discounts the practical skills I could of learnt which all added to the deficit of 'life skills' I left school with and very low esteem.

I'd honestly love to have the chance to re do this properly cos while it would be hard for me I think it would do me the world of good.

"This is what you need"

When you aren't as able as most, you are more dependent on other people for things or completing them which isn't just an irritant that can cause you to lash out in frustration in itself but also a cause of tension between you.
What isn't said I think needs to be is inevitably it does alter the relating dynamic by virtue they have what you need and can't do that they can use as lever and equally you may feel you have leverage because they're your means getting something done so it is easy to form an abusive relating pattern.
But it's not just that it's also how that person slots into the role helping you realize the idea you had that can become a point of contention too.
Speaking as a person whose always been disabled, our normal expectation is in discussing it with someone, they work with us to do it the way we wish unless that's not possible in which instance we'd them to talk though other suggestions reaching agreement on the way forward.
What can happen though is the person runs with what they feel is what you need, taking control not just of the help but also of the very idea itself imposing their ideas in place of yours  then threatening to walk off leaving with an uncompleted job if you even question such attitude as the one looking for help.
It's as if at that point you just became invisible no longer permitted to have any say about some things in your lives and that easily leads to tensions that others soon pick up on.
I think if you spot this early on you need to bring this up as it can easily cause issues.

Traditional school role playing.

When I think about school and the idea of age playing it, that's to say you act like you're say a pupil at it, what goes through my mind is way in which those of us of a certain generation recall having our moments where we had infractions dealt with .
It wasn't for the most part an era where near enough every other week a new syndrome or condition appeared connected in some way to your being educated and even if like me you had a physical disability and were labelled as Educationally Sub-normal at one point, you still were expected to try to learn even in a school that may accept your disability as that.
I was disciplined at school like any other child and I knew others who were taken off their crutches or wheelchairs to be spanked like the rest of us because while having some restrictions on how far you may learn was accepted, the idea that you may in effect be excused from trying to learn wasn't.
The same applied to your behaviour say in the playground as syndrome X didn't mean you were told you can't really help it, you were expected to at least try to and be subject to the same strict rules as everyone else.
If I was to age play then, I'd need in school role playing situation the punishments of the time era we'd be set in and accept I was to get them like every other adult school boy or girl there including getting the cane.
It might be just the thing for me.

Wednesday ramblings

In the long running saga of gender identity, gender roles and presentation the one constant in my sense of age regression has been the major role in presentation of wearing tailored shorts, more so than traditional pe or footy ones with either dress shirts or t shirts because emotionally being and returning to that schoolboy is a good place for me.

It had more good people grown ups such as teachers and other children in it than bad and was the place I knew more than what as well as where my place was within it.

At times it was a tough environment but one that did me good.

Talking of what does you good this sure as heck doesn't at all.

At one time cartoons just showed good and bad characters acting out and more often than not you saw the bad ones caught out cos they got wise to their antics and protected themselves.

Now what happened was people got worried about seeing all these bad violent things and decided as one we needed a 'wholesome' message.

Now when we saw the Care Bears, what was being espoused was being together and caring a lot with a little homily at the end.

Thing is while there is a lot to be said for caring about people that isn't how things get sorted in the real world. It promotes the ideal everyone is basically good and you can just reason with them.

You may need to learn to outsmart people who have problems with you rather more, you may need less to emphasize with them so much as you might just have to fight them in order to stand up for yourself.

No boy should go anywhere near this cartoon nor own a care bear cos it is so corrosive that adult males then go on to believe totally in the idea just talking it out makes everything okay and by just caring about a country we can have world peace. As if!

 Another thing is just no good for us the 'Everyone wins a prize and nobody loses' culture that comes from the belief to lose at a sport or not win at something as mundane as musical chairs as a kid is so painful we must be sheltered from it.

Everyday instead of winning a prize based on their abilities and skill, instead each participant is handed a ribbon or certificate for taking part and told they are a winner.

Boys in particular work best when they are challenged to be the very best they can at any subject or sport and in time some naturally excel at them to the point further training may be offered.

This isn't just good for that boy but actually motivates the others but in this touchy feeling environment he is not allowed to shine and so the pussification of the young male continues  denying him the life learning lesson of acceptance of being responsible for his own life choices and owning the consequences any man needs. 

Far from building and making his own achievements in his maturity he looks for 'experiences' that have little real responsibility who then whine that 'Life's not fair' later on as life flies by when in reality it never was but you just got on with it making your opportunities and own luck along the way.  

Love and understandings in middle/little space

Sometimes the talk with a friend on Fur Affinity has an effect that goes beyond their initial context such as an abdl comic where topics arise within a page and some discussion in its comments box  takes part to which I have post a few observations but as I didn't wish to put highly personalized ones in there I thought It'd set them out here instead.
When a person sets out in their little/middle age regressed to build not so much on being emotionally that person playing but in the return of those structures and relating patterns that more mirror those of child to Parent such as a "Caregiver/little" there can be a difference between your sense of needing and wanting it as that little and being ready emotionally for the 'rolling back' when it comes to having that final say and how you are to to present yourself in their company.
This is something that the Caregiver needs to be aware of, talking through respecting limits even if over time they may change not seeing this as a automatic disrespect issue between little and Caregiver and treated accordingly
This is something in a less structured matter of fact way is talked through  between those adults in my life who assume Caregiver roles and myself all the time so they know my limits and I am clear on what we have agreed on.

When in their company I am very much that little/middle and this is my relating style personified not least when there is any question as to my conduct to the as Caregiver(s) very much their 'child' to whom all this happens not just because it is the authentic me but because they love me so much that they enable that side to present being in my grey shorts and socks and be acted on by them as that child.

As that 'child' they look after me with all those expectations and rules that I stand attentively  deferring to them as my adult authorities as they scold and spank me as they feel appropriate.

Sometimes it is hard for some to understand that actually that allowing me that space to be and present as little/middle me and this other side are connected but actually they are.

Their scolding and spanking me is a reflection their love for me, that they know I can do better and need to be corrected to move me on, the very same love that allows me to be little me.

My spanked bottom is an a sign of that that we all should be glad of.

New term at the dorm

There's nothing quite like an impromptu stone wall perch while out as you reflect, taking the viewing on your achievements that day and the beauty that is all around you.
As well it's Autumn although parts of the summer months are still with us and the school soccer season is upon us.
Part of this whole thing in my life is to do with a combination of trauma and how through having developmental disabilities too, is a kind of a therapy for me where I am treated more by the level of my real life attainments and development rather than just by pure age.
Rather than having me in settings I cannot cope with in a very stressful state, I am instead placed in the setting that matches the level of development I am in and am in effect protected from those adult situations I lack the ability to exercise control.
This doesn't shouldn't surprise either of us because when I was going through a nervous breakdown in an adult role of considerable responsibility, the person above me openly admitted to having to shield me until we were the point it was obvious I had to leave.
I have consented to be treated more like the ten year old emotionally and developmentally child I am wrapped in a chronologically aged body with the restrictions and rules that go with it because that better aids my real world recovery.
Part of it involves being dressed more akin to that child so not only do I feel calm from acting from the real me but also by being dressed as that ten year old boy, I better reflect how I am and am less likely to be treated beyond my limitations and more juvenile way.

Random reflections

Hmm I'm kind of late with this cos I was feeling muzzy Monday and generally I tend to write this blog in real time from the feelings and emotions as experienced at that moment and I'm only a bit better today so kinda bear with me.
I was watching Tuesday morning the studio ghibi anime movie - anime isn't just like 20 odd minute episodes in a series animation from Japan, it has a full length form too - "The Tale of the Princess Kaguya" when a series of thoughts rather struck me of one is the sad and unpleasant  things are mixed in with the joyful pleasant ones in your one life.
Like you can't pick and chose from whatever life you lead regardless of whither or not you actively sought  those and so imperfection is actual normal and is best expected in your life however much you may quite rightly strive toward more of the happy enjoyable things for you and those you care about.
Another was that sometimes what it is you what you do attracts attention that negates from what it is you yourself get from it and that people only want you for what they themselves get from you or in effect live through you.
I have seen this sometimes through how people attempt to put my age regression into boxes that either imply it something it just isn't or unwanted attention of a sexual kind. Sometimes more  to do with with a few differing gender traits some try to shower you with friendship if you go their own way with what it means and pull back suggesting you're not meeting their idea of what presenting means.
For me it's always been very much as a mainly masculine boy who while having a few things in common with girls was always happy to gendered as a male and treated by everyone as one without any exceptions.
Because I may not tick some peoples preferred boxes and labels pretty much refusing to go their way preferring to be honest to myself you can feel alone but I'd sooner that than feeling a hollow little faker.
I'm the kind of boy who keeps his own ball up in the air on his terms and nobody else's.

The value of School Friends

 

Finding me in the versions others projected is very much a part of whole thing to which the blog is in part all about really.

Friends can bring back memories, such as how I learned to enjoy swimming as a physically disabled boy with the boys own Camaraderie that goes with it belong to a disabled swimming club and going swimming with all the other boys at school.

They remind you of the things you did with them that others may skim over or even deny took place and critically remind me of how in love with boyhood I was back then.

Going back to boyhood makes sense to really get back to being me.

Being different but very much a boy

I get tired of people who confuse my sex with my gender as person who is not totally masculine when it comes to gender roles because while there are a handful of traits closer to the feminine my major gender markers are masculine which showed at an early age in my play with war toys, realistic soldier dolls and cars.

I played games with cap guns pretending to shoot people dead and accepted being shot dead and being taken prisoner in rough games loving it.

I owned for a long time Action Man figures playing imaginary war games with them sometimes on my own and sometimes with other boys, buying tons of accessories.

They were my main toy by choice, a clear indication of my boyhood masculinity

Similarly I badgered my mummy to buy me this war comic every week reading it cover to cover intently which if I was a 'softie' I'd never of done.

I enjoy wearing a traditional boys outfit with shorts and long socks as much as I do appreciate the fact I can wear a kilt because I am unquestionably a boy  and a real boy at that not in any way effeminate or a wuss.

Equally I may chose to play from a variety of either girlish or boyish hobbies and interests as I best relate to any and actually in somethings I'm more boyish than a good number.

The thing is that has no bearing on my biological sex which is without a doubt male and doesn't indicate I have an issue with being or being seen as one preferring to be addressed as a boy at all times. 

I am proud to be a boy even if I have had difficulties in reconciling how others see me and that sense of being a male and strongly object to people such as sissies who only see me as like them pansy effeminate weaklings who enjoy being 'forced' into being feminine.

There is nothing at all weak about being me whatsoever.