On relationships and life

This wet week would of been a time I'd of been away so I have been thinking a little about what I get from that not least in the light of conversations at ASB and also my own forum.

Relationships not least family ones have  played a negative part in my upbringing from distancing, not willing to get close to me or to encourage me to get closer, being more overly affectionate as well as a sense of suspicious  between family members that just corroded any meaningful sense of trust and security I ever had.

Living in a world where you always watched your back, where telephone conversations were bugged, people lurked behind doors listening in  and mail read took its toll on me even to the point I was writing or drawing stuff about it in my teens on correspondence and never kept a formal diary in case it was read which it would.

That's one of differences now cos I do but it's more online journalling it may be such as with my main blog an account of a day out or interests related or more about my moods and emotions cos it helps me understanding them and helps to have some record I can refer to.

One of the things that has altered for me now is how it is I am expected to co-operate and behave with other people and that's been a thing that's talked about here so when I was away I was expected to help with things such as setting the table, washing up and generally helping out.

I am also expected now to help in the kitchen with making whatever we are going to eat even if some tasks may be done for me because I am expected to use my abilities to contribute whatever my disabilities may prevent.

If I do something wrong that I know I shouldn't like trying to cut things on the top of the sink where I'd either mark it or risk injuring myself which I did, then I was spanked there and then for it to ensure I learn from it which I was

What I longed for as an adult little boy is the simple love and affection of a forever mother and father figure who will help me feel loved, wanted and secure so I can grow.
Was that too much to ask?

Equally I have needed the space to deal with other episodes such as being being touched up by men in public spaces, frozen over, and effectively mute for so long over its effects on me.  

I think after thinking over how things have of been with time spent with one who does looks after me the answer has to be no because they are actively engaged in making me grow, feeling secure but at same time prepared to discipline me.

It was and is what I truly needed.

I have the right...

to Structure

Something I wish to talk about this week  is the role of Structure within LB/ASB life.

Something that isn't said enough is what enables you to let out your LB/ASB side is that somebody else handles the responsibilities so you need not concern yourself with them, that in other words you do not have to be your own adult (assuming you are fully capable of it).

That totally frees you up to be that adult child because you know, you cannot, will not even be allowed to fall because the "responsible adult" be they a Caregiver in a DD or DM/lb relationship or the Cglre  Dxlb or Mxlb x taking out the "Dominant" with the BDSM kink overtones and in effect making it more paternalistic "Daddy or Mummy" 2 (adult) little boy or a ASB school centred Teacher/Head Teacher steps in ensuring you do not come to any harm.

You are that little boy to them and you will allow them to address you as such.

They also by consent deal with handling any dangerous, rude or otherwise risky behaviour  on your part by stepping in and being the one who disciplines you whither or not it it involves any or no corporal punishment.

The point is, by providing that structure, they enable you to be just you, the adult little boy just being a boy knowing he'll be cared for, safe and not likely to get into situations that work against his needs.

Fur lined reflections

The last week while not exactly brilliant with the weather did bring about one major mood lifter.

Last Wednesday was the day this legally adult but eternal boy of ten went to the Barber's to have my first short back and sides in four and a bit months at which instance you could say my hair looks like a nuclear explosion with bits spouting out in all directions cos I just missed one trim by a few days and then everything got shut down.

I mean traditionally at any rate we do go on and on about our hair but when I struggle to get it beneath my cap without it wanting to fall of me head like, there's a bit of a problem, what? Better call a man out to fix it, lol!

I felt just like a little boy all over again in the barbers seat.

I got a bit wet yesterday going out for a walk for exercise and fresh air even though I had my red waterproof jacket over my sweater and shorter charcoal grey shorts which are almost the same but a smidgen longer than the shorts I wore in my last year at Junior School.


Looking in the mirror gives me that deja vu feeling and you know I just love being me cos I've always been who I was no matter how much people have tried to alter the wrapping to suit them, ultimately I'm my own sweet that's in it.

A boy like me needs to be put in four inch inside leg shorts just as he was back then.

* partly inspired by post 1,600 of TSB2

Bringing out the boy

I'm not generally into anything beyond uniform outside of play wear and my footie strip although with many actual schools being off for some days there's an argument for saying the LB/ASB can presently take his cue from events and alter his presentation a little as much as I'm for dress shirts and ties normally. 

Tailoring matters I think in this life and one aspect around tailoring that does make a difference I feel is when it comes to getting the right leg length for you because newer generations are taller than we were at their age and many suppliers are only supplying longer inside leg lengths.

What may be just above the knee on them is more on or even only just above the bottom of my knees almost into Knickerbocker  territory.

By taking up to six inches, while not standing out too much in public settings that on a grey pair redefines me as a boy, a little longer than what I wore then and presents me in a way I feel most comfortable  with.

I like how these shorts presents me as without making super obvious, they do not smooth away my maleness.

Being comfortable in your own skin matters.

That's the difference finding and having your inside leg on your shorts adjusted makes and it is so worth it.

A leopard can change its spots

It is easy to get into a mindset of thinking about those things in  your life that may not be going so well or even into comparing how you are doing compared to others but that's a habit which so easily leads to you beating yourself up.

Like for instance we may only know of what another person really is doing from what it is they've shared with us which may well be selective, missing out any mess ups and only as they feel it is so really those comparisons may not be too accurate.

The other side of this is we may be understating our own abilities, using a very high baseline to judge them by or be so used to perceiving our failure that we automatically feel we have when maybe we've done okay really.

Looking over this week working out where the strategy for my Scouting based blog was going to be going into the new month brought some of that back not having on the outset the format and publishing structure would be. 

Let's say the absence of that usually gets me into tail spinning territory  as I stare into the blank page on my non Microsoft office suite so I type a few headings  and ideas down as I struggle with writing on paper these days.

Really, Chris  that boarding school boy, severely dyslexic actually manages to pull it off when he was feeling like walking the corridors thinking he'd failed!

I think the point here is I grew up so much with the idea I was no good at this that I came to believe it didn't matter  what I did or anyone said they could help me, that I couldn't change that outcome.

I changed the outcome cos I actually believed in it enough to do the work using techniques that I had learned and was prepared to spend my time on learning  and learning to trust people who were prepared to help me make those changes.