Wednesday 29 June 2022

Lessons for today


 There is something very magical in watching this gif from the Christopher Robin film a few years back where he talks with Winnie the Pooh his bear in its emotional honesty sharing his innermost thoughts, trusting him totally.

It takes me back to around his age in so many ways where we did let it all out in an age where stoicism was more the approved thing in boys which in insolation I feel did is no real good at all as we never really processed our emotions and considered them as part of how we responded to situations whither or not it was about us and our families or that of our mates.

It's also the feeling of trust and empathy for one another whatever might be happening, that we do look after each other through the good and bad things that happen in that time.

Wednesday 22 June 2022

Talks


There are a number of things I do feel like talking about although it wasn't the best start to the week when it comes to being well.

The first is usually on things like blogs and social media sites you have spaces for profiles that give a space for some background information about yourself and to mention anything that people really need to pay attention to.

One is with me I find chatting literally painful because my hands were damaged in the early nineteen nineties and I struggle with writing, eating and getting dressed so generally I don't tend to do extended informal one on one chat.

The other is more about limits as I find some topics very painful emotional such as emotional, physical and sexual abuse to the point they are triggering and also don't care much for "forced feminization" and associated topics because the start point is a dismissive atttitude to being a male that sets out to redicule by making them like like a parody of a girl with little say in anything.

One topic sometimes people do get me wrong on allied to this is that I have something against boys and men who for whatever reason like sometimes to wear a skirt or a dress who don't see themselves as girls/women.

I may not necessarily get it but if you do and I know some who like dressing more like a school girl in a rather traditional uniform then I'm fine with it.

The bottom line is I respect your right to be you as much as I have to be respected as a fairly traditional adult little boy who wears boys uniform because we're still boys whatever we are wearing.

Wednesday 15 June 2022

Going back to roots

Going back to my roots a bit across the weekend I was very much in my element playing with some young boys with family.

For one thing I did not look grown up, just a traditional grey school shirt, blue and off white tie, six inch inside leg grey school shorts and grey turn over top socks where everyone else was an adult including people younger than me (by age).

In some way it was a more modern form of Best for family occassions where I was the boy with his parents present.


Arriving, the boys were already playing in partitioned corner of  the diner with a thomas and percy train set which was of the sort that has no controller but just a battery in each engine with a switch that having put it on the track  and coupled anything to it, it just runs.


Between them they had the trains chasing each other as as I played and did a older boy supervision thing with them on the floor being quite content to play and leave the grown ups to their own talk.

It may of been someone elses birthday, but I was just happy to engaged playing with boys rather than struggling which isn't helped by my autism at doing the grown up thing so actually it did me a lot of good just to jump in and play with them.

It was the best family social interaction I'd had in years.

Wednesday 8 June 2022

Noddy and I

Today I'm going to write something a bit different to what I normally do on this blog as generally I don't write much about books, especially book series I never had that much to do with but in a way actually it ties in rather well.

Enid Blyton it has to be said wrote a good number of the books that featured in my childhood not least the period around ten to sixteen years before people started pushing more 'adults' reading at me even if this series and its central character wasn't one I read much never mind collected.
Noddy is a very interesting character, living in a world known as Toyland, being made from wood and styled as an perfect naughty little boy often getting in trouble with PC Plod having an Uncle Big-Ears who was a parent figure.

The significance of this rests really on what adult wisdom cannot get and children do which is in reality although Noddy is actually (in law) an adult, is able to own and drive a motor car in many other ways he is not, he is very much a young boy having that kind of an outlook, not really responsible, lacking the awareness of what he'd be expect to know. He may be portrayed as a child but isn't.

In some respects then, to me he's a poster child of a person exhibiting a developmental order is like adult (legally) but child (developmentally).

He's got a inflated view of his abilities which may be more from having to 'pass' for an adult but as when challenged by Big Ears his father like figure points out, really he's not and if he'd been educated he'd see that but he hasn't and amongst other things, cannot count beyond twenty.

It's that which the subject of this book, the only one I bought with my own money, which is when it is he goes to school with the young children which you can in Toyland.

He has no idea of what what Miss Rap, his teacher means when she asks him if he knows his tables. Equally when asked to write on the chalkboard one thing he likes to eat he writes his own name because that's all he knows to write which annoys Miss Rap and all the other children laugh at him.

When you have a developmental disability, life especially in school can be like this as you're not functioning at the same level as the others, you have a defensiveness that can soon spill over to defiance, you tend to be very impulsive not concentrating and you don't always help yourself.

Noddy going to school ends with Noddy having learned some lessons, however painful about life having learned some social skills and taking part in a school concert.

I see a connection here in  me having to go back to learning what I struggled with both academically, where the story does extol the virtues of hard work, putting ones mind to things and also when it comes to how you relate and behave where Noddy is sent to the corner and when his friend Gilbert Golly after misbehaving is ordered to bring Miss Rap the slipper hanging on the wall.

Put simply I had to realize what I did  not know, having a sense of humility to seek out what I needed rather than allowing the trappings (for Noddy his car, for me, certain roles) to blind me to my true needs and address the attitudes I had that made my life worse than it needed to be.

Noddy needed his corner time, Gilbert needed that reminder even when it has put on hold until the very next time he was going to get a spanking.

I needed someone who was going to be strict with me so I worked to my full potential, being prepared to practise a lot  and given the difficulty I have in dealing with more complex ways of trying to change my behaviour, as that adult but child I needed spanking in the same way.

The bigger part of this life really isn't boot camp frankly, it's really more about having the environment that better suits your needs right down to being able to play on the floor with your teddies and toy cars even to the point you may now have a collection you just play with rather than just keeping behind glass or on shelves.

You just accept yourself as you are, a physically bigger little boy.

Wednesday 1 June 2022

Boyhood audio

Things from the past this week.

As soon as I was able to get past the AM and stereo Record home made stereo with a main unit with turntable, radio amp and speaker in on main unit and right speaker I'd had since the age of nine to the world of separates I did normally involving either second hand or handed down components.

By about the age of fourteen I'd actually had a set up rather like this, a Goldring-Lenco turntable  with an Audio Technica arm fitted, a "home brew" phono preamp which went into my Rodgers Cadet II tubed (UK: Valved) matching control unit and power amplifier.

I had a small Realistic (the Radio Shack/Tandy own brand) FM Stereo and AM radio tuner which was suprisingly good for the modest cost to listen to Radio Three, Two in high quality stereo and One for Pop programs in mono

The amplifier had a relative small foot print unlike most even allowing for its power and output transformers and a Din socket at the front for connection to a tape unit such as originally my ITT Studio 73 portable stereo cassette recorder used at boarding school and later the Narional Panasonic RS600 US home deck.

By the mid 1980's that was supplemented by a Toshiba cd player as many important classical recordings became cd and tape only.

Sadly while ungergoing repair work the amplifer went in a freak shed fire on February 28th 1998.

For me that early hifi seperates part restored from second hand units was really more about having the means of exploring and appreciating music from the pops of the day to getting past the major classical works building up collections, the bulk of which remain with my current system from discovering Elvis Costello and Ian Dury to Mozart String Quartets.