Going back to going forward

The endless discourse in my life around sex and gender has taken a good many years to resolve including resolving the misunderstood points, peer pressure and manipulations of others even though you could say in hindsight, the person who knew best actually was me had it been I'd of more aware of the whole topic and had the language skills to do so.

Sex and Gender can have ramifications beyond the academic or purely personal interest level though of which one is just the whole business around buying your own clothes and specifically the area of underwear cos while some forms of attire can be seen as for either or any gender underwear brings its own things such as actual physicality.

Like most boys, until you got to certain age usually connected with either romantic involvements or leaving school your mother bought your clothes and if you were lucky, you'd have some say in it.
Because I was around as a child/teen in the nineteen seventies and early eighties, you were bought boy briefs because your sex was that and for most they would be Y fronts even though it was also the start of point I was trying to figure out why my gender preferences didn't always line up with other boys.

Around late February 1987 when Nick Kamen was stripping off in the Laundromat to his boxer shorts , the very short lived LM "Lone Male" magazine had a feature on boxer shorts which I did try for a while but did find that the tended to ride making for an uncomfortable experience 'down below' and why they may of been cooler than my polyester mix Y fronts they provided no support where I at least needed it.

Under the influence of some in the transgender community, specifically transexuals who thought *everything* I experienced growing up and since  came down to my gender being trapped in the wrong sex body the issue became one of which sexes underwear do I wear. 
And yet briefs are just that beyond being cut for your sexes anatomy and I couldn't see how anything cut for females could really fit well.

I then found I was starting getting much more into regression which in some respects made what was something I didn't feel actually helped me, so the idea of  presenting in a more feminine way was  more redundant because school age regression with uniforms isn't something you 'pass' at in city centre coffee shops and I started drifting back to where all this started, being a school boy who was a boy but had different gender preferences in some areas.

Through my exploration of age regression as a boy and adult school boy I started to move toward putting together a uniform and more boyish 'play' clothes but that returned the focus back to underwear because I knew  what I had worn first time round but had not  changed since.

Though ASB I found out the standard of choice was what I had worn in my childhood and feeling that that whole period of female presentation in  any form had not done anything for my actual problems like feeling good about my sex and finding a way of handling doing both masculine and feminine things and still feeling 'a boy at heart', decided to bite the bullet and put myself back into Y fronts and ditch all else.

One thing I noticed straight off was underwear actually designed for my sex fitted better where it needed to which was a far bit more comfortable on me when doing more physical things.
I am finding ASB age regression is helping me learn to love being a boy all over again, feeling able to hold my own accepted without prejudice as a boy and nothing less and making one decision to embrace my sex and wear our standard has helped in re-integrating me back to being the best boy I can.

That ironically was all I ever wanted from the issues I had around gender preferences and presentation.  

* This is where I feel most comfortable, a boy in his uniform, playing wearing his Y fronts and happy*

An Authentic Chris

Here at the dorm I've been rather busy dealing with the Blogsphere tm of this is one of a few in this family of blogs that go back to the mid 2000's that deal with different aspects of my life overlapping a little but with main focus which so reminds me of school Venn Diagrams that one was to draw neatly or be suitably admonished.

In someways then it's perhaps for the best this member is fairly recent as all the 'baby steps' in blogging happened before and had been learnt from so the same mistakes had not been repeated.

An often repeated comment I hear at various sites that sadly I'm less able than I'd like due to my physical disabilities is around the extent in a world where people do cultivate an image of themselves and their abilities to the point when one interacts with them either messaging or face to face even there's a gap between what you read and what you see with me I'm very much the same on any site, any kind of 'chat' and  when I've been privileged to spend time face to face with people for extended periods.

The word that comes to mind is "Authenticity", the extent to which one is true to yourself in harmony with your own spirit while respecting rules and social conventions that make life frictionless as we all know what to expect.

Thus while on one blog I do write more of joys of littles regressed life and here around emotions, attitudes and at times role of corporal punishment in my life neither denies what the other centred on and where all is intertwined, the one whole me.

What I write about is what I feel, what I have experienced and actually know routed in my life albeit my education, employment and learning more about coping with my actual needs rather than what may know second hand or the views of those who write about what they have read.

The one thing towering over all is a childhood that was very much routed in being in an actual boarding school for much of my education which went beyond of curriculum subjects but in moral character building and standards and one that understood you learn through consequences, believing strongly in disciplining you very much for ones own good.

What I have to say around this and as it applies in particular to corporal punishment  is very from having received it 'in loco parentis' several times each deserved and from that how that changed for the better those attitudes and behaviours first hand rather than any kind of role playing fantasy.

I know it works well with me as it did with most of my peers at the time not just in nipping our behaviour in the bud but also of deterrence of the class,  year group and ultimately whole school from acting on such impulses.

The benefits in terms of being able to study, to have your teacher just come in and start the lesson and carry on with everyone engaged rather than endless low level disruption might surprise present generations!

It is that I suspect the last person who commented picked up on in the broader sense in that I am the product of such an education and it shows in my work.
Thank you for your compliment.

Getting your masculine mojo back

Getting your mojo back can be a problem not lest if you've had the kind of background I have had but there are a number of things I find can help with it so you feel more the masculine boy you are.

One of the first things is to reduce the gap between what you think and what you do. As males we're a mixture of the innate and the cerebral where we do have the ability to take control of our thoughts and behaviours so it makes sense to ensure they are connected to identifiable end.
Be sure you know what the intended outcome of your actions are and start from there.

Integrity matters and not just for the other person so it makes sense to live with them, honour your commitments, make a task list, completing it.
The key to it is to do what you said you were going to being true to your own word.

Finally work on building up your courage which can appear to a hard task in a risk averse society like ours. Challenge yourself whither that's something connected with endurance or say learning a practising a new hobby or interest.
Don't go with the easy familiar option following the escalator everyone else uses  and learn to become more comfortable with being out of your comfort zone, trying something new.

Growing up Chris

One of the things I do struggle with is face to face interaction not least opening up a conversation with people cos I get so super nervous I just freeze over or not have the conversation I had intended in my head.
So it was actually pretty good I managed to start one with my second best friend this weekend talking to her about her life, her studying animation while listening and even making eye contact with is something I've had feedback on before now as I find that...so oppressive ordinarily.
Like I can recall this being brought up in a staff review looking at client interaction several years back in what was generally a excellent review as a potential barrier to communication.
I also found the work I have being doing over the last five weeks or so on putting together a PT routine for me paid of well but with unlike last time being able to get across the from the rail station to a bus interchange without getting out of breath propelling my wheeled suitcase and bags and also while i have difficulty with steps and uneven surfaces I was able to keep up with the group as we walked through woodland and canal tow paths for a good mile or so to where we were eating without breaking out into a deep sweat or struggling at the back.
That for me is really good going.
I also did co-operate fully, helping out with preparing the evening meal two other guests consumed on the Friday and baking the sponge cake for the Party without a murmur of discontent even when I had to make another sponge as one of my haves didn't quite take in the oven.
Changing my attitudes around looking after my needs and also contributing, being expected  help out has not been easy given my past but with a lot of encourage to help and the preparedness of people to strictly discipline me over it, I am starting to develop more of a sense of self discipline to help me be more mature in that way even with the oh so real limitations in other respects.
I did great this weekend.

Attitude audit

Well, I'm going to be off in a couple of days time spending regressed time with others so I have tried super hard this time to get most of these posts written up ready.
Today's is a bit different in that it's about my social skills and attitudes which are more of an issue when I'm naturally with people rather than say on my own and how far I've come on.

Until I heard of the expression "self sabotage" from my second best friend some years back I was never real able to explain how it while I believed in the ideal inevitable I'd end up up just enough to scrap through at best and often set out on line that would result in doing worse than I can by not preparing properly, not making a plan and just allowing myself to be distracted from what it is wanted to do for something more enjoyable or less effort.
Part of this was the belief that because I struggle though my disabilities with things then I could only fail so why even bother especially when few peopled cared if did try.

This is one I'm pretty good at and do take shoes off or change to slippers when I visit people even though I wasn't raised at home to.

I'm pretty good at this, not being inclined to enter into gossip sharing sessions with people or otherwise dish things up to people.

 More often than not I'll go help somebody struggling but have struggled with the idea of helping as in contributing to something by giving my time and effort but is something that is being worked on.

You may of heard of yo-yo dieting  but I've tended to be yo-you over taking exercise from my mid teens onwards, never looking cool and always wanting to do things involving being still to the exclusion of anything physical.
It may not help having a physical disability but not undertaking exercise of any form make that worse for me. I have been exercising for about forty minutes to an hour in sessions after thing about from clothes feeling a bit tight I was struggling with walking even short distances which does seem to be helping.

 Another not good at although I am currently eating banana's and apples daily preferring chocolate caramel bars.

This is one I have always struggled with generally because of issues in  our family history, what from my point of view I see as their reluctance when young to be actively involved in raising me, issues with them over gender identity, refusing to accept professional opinion when it came to disability diagnosis's, lack of support in my learning to the point of ignoring poor work and calls to attend meetings to discuss and so on.
One affect of this is I had developed a disrespect for adult authority, a switched offness  to any engagement and don't take advice well.

Generally I'm pretty good at being helpful, properly empathize more being left out deliberately by groups for gender or disability reasons

I'm pretty good over personal hygiene such as covering my nose when sneezing and washing my hands before eating and cooking even when after allowing myself to be distracted even if that adds to my being late.

We  should put an X through boy and replace by girl and usually I'm on the edge of talking back usually as a defense mechanism to brush them away lest they hurt me and my feelings which hasn't been helped in the past for seeing other people as having the same exact authority and non OVER me.
It also didn't help that those I was with believed in letting me try to control OVER them as a way of coping with MY needs.

More often than not I do clean them, mind you with anything to hand such as screwdriver blades etc and always scrub them after handling anything they may of sank into.

 I'm usually pretty good over respecting other peoples space or property as a rule

For a long time I tended to switch from being a wall flower, feeling very awkward socially to doing something that was bound to grab attention even if it either put me in physical danger, made other people unhappy or worried. I didn't care so long as you couldn't ignore me  and I feel that sense of being ignored rather encouraged it rather than being helped to have a role people could learn to value and perhaps I might value  what I could add too

I've been generally bad over this tending to be caught up more in the moment being with someone or doing something I feel compelled to continue on with not helped by feeling at times that you should fit more around what I'm doing.

 As a former politician arguing for the sake of it was a stock in trade  even when in practical terms it made little difference and caused more issues than it solved.

I'm pretty good over borrowing you know. Like  returns stuff prompt looking after it super carefully

Still a difficult one as I tend to dump and run, never really making time to put things away in any real order and when people move them getting super annoyed with them soon moving to argument not being prepared to back down

I like to drink milk put the people I live with seem to think I prefer tea. I don't as it's just role playing an adult if ask for tea and I like cookies with me milk instead.

If anything my problem is less around taking more than I need to claim it for me so much as being a  poor and at times fussy eater with genuine restrictions on diet too with intolerances and allergies.

As having read this you can see there is much when comes my attitudes and that I do struggle with which is why rather late in the day I'm getting a lot more targeted  help at them as in many respects I really should of learnt and moved on from many of these eons ago and why if I'm with you it helps if you try to hold me more to account so I do change and those that have become more second nature to me.