Facing reality

However I may look at it, the events of 2006/7 were very much where much of this whole realization of who I was and where things had began to unravel at a rate of knots came from.

From my early teens (so-called) I had felt pushed in to appearing to be mature not so much in behaviour which was and is still is very much less than but more by taking an interest in adult things that gave people the impression I had that sophistication that when matched by a more preppy look, allowed me to mask the real me.

In a lot of ways I was role playing, actually, pretending to be this urbane font of philosophical and political knowledge to the point of studying subjects around it because it seemed to gave me a place the grown up world could accept to the point I joined their organizations and adapted of sorts to their structures.

In time that would lead me to being directly involved in current affairs, even taking a central role within one organization so while other aspects of my life were not going so well on the face of it this seemed okay.

What started off as a great idea turned very much into a monster very quickly because in all of this, the masking lead me to ignore who I was and the very thing that I was discourage from accepting, that I lacked the one necessary thing to do it: An adult sense of self.

Chunks of what ended up as a severe nervous breakdown were rooted in areas such as being given roles to perform by people while wanting them to be filled and to be seen as an authority of fulfilling them  but without their own involvement. 

Critical meetings were missed due to too many other events and having no proper cover, not only had they not been attended and from that having lost our say, when I did attend I was left to defend why when we said someone was, nobody did.

The bigger thing in all this was for all that outward sophistication, I lacked the abilities of a adult to cope emotionally in this environment, not having the resilience, I struggled to read agendas with notes and follow meetings and could not relate to the others as adults simply because I wasn't one. 

I might as well as been a 13 year old in debating society, looking for the adults to oversee it.

It didn't take long before I was on leave because my nerves had gone, I struggled to get through a day even at work without crying and if I did attend a meeting I just froze over like an ice block.

That's when it really hit home about being me.

I AM A CHILD WHO'S AGE IS JUST OLDER BY THE CALENDAR, THAT'S ALL.

This was the point here I had to slowly put away that masked version and learn to live again as the child I am rediscovering play, dressing and acting more like my real younger self, finding out more about others who do similar things.

Going forward

 Funny week in a lot of ways as we come out of Mourning and thoughts turn to happier things.

B-B-Q's and camp fires are amongst mine, from helping out as much as you can to toasting your marshmallows over a camp fire in person as you sing songs together.

Of course there can be that battle with our galliant competitors, the Wasp and the neighbouring dog who has plans for your sausages but to me that always was a great magical moment from childhood and a pick me up of that sort is something I certainly use.

A reflection on events around Her Majesty Elizabeth IInd death

 It goes without saying there is only one thing on my mind right now.

This is a series of reflections I wrote elsewhere, tidied up a bit, that I wish to share more openly.

The day had began as one would normally of expected but getting up and putting on the television it became apparent all was not well with Her Majesty with troubling reports that seemed to go beyond her sadly not unfamilar walking difficulties.

The first I realized the potential gravity of her announced missing of a Zoom Privy Council meeting due to being unwell was when I saw on the news, her grandchildren had paid a visit as, if you've ever been in such a situation this only tends to happen if you may not survive any treatments, being seen as slowly dying.

Some people get wrapped up in all that constitutional stuff and as Head of State she has some important roles in the same way in the Anglican Church she does as its head but at heart of all of this is a remarkable woman who is the head of a family.

A family we grew up with in our lives, cutting out pictures, following their lives that you may of met.

They were the Nations family and as the constitutional things pan out with our new King, Charles III on the Proclaimed on Saturday with a Coronation due at some point it is time to give thanks for what she did, the causes and organizations like scouting she supported so well.

In taking his Oath and the Vows, I feel King Charles III has undertaken to follow along the same lines as his mother although naturally he will add his own touches to it and so the cycle continues.

The importance of Bonds

 

Sometimes I mention it, othertimes not but to me being in the most challenging settings as a team with a specific goal brings out an important topic which is the extent to which we show empathy with and support each other.

A sense of empathy that causes us to reach to each other as one, the espirt de corps,out of that love, that deep sense that we care for all of us that we'd share all we had as one is something that I feel is a hallmark of a more masculine sense of caring.

It is in so many ways the feeling of brotherly love to forgo your comfort, offer you time to another that you find in things such as the emergency services, armed services, in my parents generation down the pit apart from in bodies such as Scouting.

People are not just aquantances but almost family to us and as that unit we have this bond to do all we can for each other out of love.