The mid 80's and moving back in time

From where all of this life came is by no means a bad question to ask when you think about it.

Some clearly was routed in the period of official childhood, the memories of what you did, how things and indeed how you looked plus as I got into into my early teens I did start regressing not that it was a word I knew then.

We've looked at bits from the past on this blog  but the next phase started a few years later and it's that we'll talk about this week.

The mid nineteen eighties were quite an important point in modern British history as institutions changed, and there was much bitter conflict not least here in the North Staffordshire coalfield that has only recently began to heal.

By this period, I was out of school  and its routines and in the world of work after a period of stops and starts getting a job which was difficult back then but it was the first indication that really I was growing apart from my peers who were thinking more about things like savings, getting into things like marriage and they seemed to see each other as adults.

I just didn't feel remotely that way.

While many of my age then went on Club 18-30 holidays, I was still on hols with Mum and Dad looking superficially in my teens visiting places together, spending hours on the beach exploring  and even making sandcastles.

Things like scouting  still had an appeal as much as I knew in my head there was no way I could drop right back to where I felt I belonged and indeed as I found a good decade and a bit later in another context I couldn't stop myself from involuntarily dropping into that child so really it wouldn't of worked out well to had got an adult role either.

At home one brother had got married and left and another was going through a period of girlfriends who needless to say came over from time to time so stuff at home was changing from when I was i my last year of school.

I did start exploring and revisiting the places nearby where I played and met up with as that young boy with a view to at least acknowleging the pull all of that had over me even if they like time itself had moved on.

Given how things turned out in 1980 where some of my old cubs stuff got removed, I knew I had to be careful about how often I'd attempt to dress more as I saw myself as clearly Mum felt then you didn't "need" them and seemed to more into trying to make me look look like a pint sized dad even if what was within was anything but.

I did work on trying to get a more younger look by stealth,  helped by fitting more in bigger teens clothing as my body shape wasn't as well developed as most adults and indeed my arms remain no wider than a child's even now.

I just knew I needed to look more as I saw me even if of necessity the more schoolboyish look had to be hidden.

Conversations recalled

Between times when I'm a bit down after the events of earlier this year thoughts turn to conversations from the past that took one of two forms, the more formal "I'd like to talk to you about..." or the unscripted once that just break out in the moment often doing something everyday.

Sometimes they might of been when we'd of gone to the shops on our own as Dad was otherwise engaged as it were and to be quite truthful we liked those moments away from for the freedom to just do what we felt like often in the main town of the Northern Suburbs here in deepest Stoke on Trent where his mother lived and a good number of Aunts, Uncles and Cousins did having caught the bus.

On other occasions it would be when trying clothes on as in our family it was more normal for you to have your clothes picked for you so they'd be sessions when tape measure would come out, you might try on something from another to check measurements, or nan would knit me a jumper which often was in same colours as my female cousins as they tended to suit my skin tone better.

Among the memorable discussions were post Third Year options for GCE's and the battle over long trousers which just were never me which eventually I did win after a summer of sweltering in sweaty jeans.

In the end she came to realize I was this mixture of boy who could talk about grown up stuff while being at the same time the little boy she knew.

Will the journey resume?

 All being well I should be out at the Barber's on Tuesday as my hair badly needs tidying up as I missed a normal slot with being unwell with Covid a while back.

Sometimes you see things that just put over thoughts with admirably simplicity and there's two that go together.

You can deny it until you're red in the face. you might due to works or other pressure have to be mindful about how much of it you let out but for so many of us this is true.

Sometimes having realized that boy within is there, the tension is such he needs his space but in order to create that you need to accept you are no longer willing to stay with the status quo and make a first step along the path to being the whole you.

I hit that point over a decade ago working though what the younger me really wanted to be doing, was he prepared understand and even look again at some of ways of modern boyhood given the restrictions and baises of the day, taking what was good for me from the present as much as I am the product of that past.

Would I be prepared to radically change how I presented to match more that person I felt tpo feel comfortable in my own skin?

Perhaps it's time you started your own journey?

Play

One thing I find it hard to get my head around is how it is the notion of play, just doing things for the fun of it seems hard for people to accept in adults.

I make no pretence myself of saying "I'm off to play" meaning I will go into a secluded area and play an imaginary game of being a secret agent hiding and then running.

I might spend a good twenty minutes to a half hour playing on a swing but when any "grown up" mentions it is as if they have to wrap such activities in adult terms such as  playing with friends becomes "team bonding" with colleagues.

It's like you're no longer supposed to play even though you feel like it on the inside.

Does anyone else find this puzzling?

Roadmaps?

It's kind of funny how it is you find the inspiration you need  when and where you may least expect it such as this drawing by TheLatestKate on Tumblr.

Tumblr is a funny place in that all manner of things can be found on there, sometimes original texts or as in this instance art amongst a vast forest of straight reblogging of everyone elses so sometimes you see the same thing several times over not helped by encourage people to reblog things that may not even be their own just because someone got there first.

But actually, to get back the post itself,  when I first started this blog and got on a few sites sites way back when, truly I had no real idea of where everything would lead, never mind the series of connections and roundabouts I'd go through tryin' to figure it what was I was and what it was I wanted and needed.

Today I have more of an idea where I am at and how that can fit in with others because you don't have to become in effect someone else to fit into any group or especially take part in an activity because everyone is different, unique, hey even by the next guys standard "wierd".

I may like to wear my uniform under a dufflecoat and enjoy jumping in puddles just like I did way back then but I don't have to do what you might like  and that's okay.

We all have the right to be us having things in common and things different than everyone else.

At peace with the world

Just about two weeks to go before Summer Hols when school is out at least in this district, this time of year always has those still in the past pulls with me when we'd consolidate this form years work - and back then it was work or else! - while you'd be looking forward to your next stages learning more  about things as we move along.

Then you might be moving to either a different part of school or even a new school depending on your age.

The thing with me was all my classmates were getting older when it came to their interests and general development as boys leaving me behind because while the odd interest and some academic abilities may of grown, on the whole I hadn't.

I was the "youngest" in the class and as they got older the gap just got bigger and bigger.

Learning to accept you are not except in purely legal terms a functioning adult has taken time, to work on unmasking the real you as just trying to pretend  to be an adult male took so much from me and feel comfortable about being called "young man" by men who however imperfectly do at least sense you don't relate as adult to adult as frankly at no point have I ever seen myself as one has been one of big achievements in the last few years.

I'm just a young boy whose been around the sun more than most while being substancially the same.

Thoughts on recovery

I wasn't too great on Friday so it is a bit of a catch up session as I type this and the other blogs out this weekend.

At one level that is easier than it use to be for being out of the workforce with it's routine of phoning in sick, arranging a return day and the meeting with a supervisor to start your return gradually only to find that work has built up over that period.

It tended to be 50/50 if your colleagues worked with you to get through it or if they felt having come back you could jolly well sort it yourself. 

These days you'll most probably seen me at home more like this sprawled across a chair or sofa, on tablets and pretty much out of it looking every inch a traditional school boy with his seventiestastic short short trousers minus much of the adult say and responsibilities, being cared for in exchange for doing what he's told.

The come down has been overall better for me because I can manage situations better for being treated as a boy feeling less of a hindrance going through meeting cycles every three weeks apart from having less on my mind so I am less likely to develop sessions where I may be ill for a week or so.

Not being seen as fully adult also means both I don't get "dumped" on emotionally nor expected to do things which are problematic for me but receive more the guidance and support of a boy in the community.  I know they are there for me.

I'm comfortable with this exchange.

New Year reaffirmation

Seeing this is the start of New Year one might begin the second post of the New Year looking at resolutions which we have talked about at various sites, not just the more usual things around positions, material things and pay for those that are employed but more around the things we find difficulty with and in a less overtly religious way, our moral and behavioural traits not just in how they leave us but especially the impact on others of when get it wrong.

The following is the emotional age appropriate standard for me as a child/adult hybrid expressed in a way I can understand easier

Now that isn't too tall an order for us get to grips with so keeping to it is I feel one of the most important things this year for me to do.

There are lots of stresses and strains so perhaps you might too?

Being different

 Rather a rough week here with both the weather and a rather bad head meaning for instances I only got out the once on Sunday and I'm on painkillers and bed rest.

Anyway laying here with a few cartoons playing out on the Milkshake! block on Channel Five I was reflecting a bit on what makes me different to the point a specific reddit is a place I do check in most days for people who share the same sorts of issues as we all try to cope with something nobody prepared us for.

Most of us are broadly familiar with the development cycle of people as even if you didn't touch it in school biology classes, you'll observed different members of your family and how over time they have changed not just in looks but the sorts of things they are interested in and are more able to understand.

For most people it's a fairly linear concept, extensive needs changes to guidance that diminishes as you get older around the same point you are able to take on more responsibility to yourself understanding more of what being a grown up is.

Then suddenly you get a birthday card with a key on it and everybody says you're a young adult now as you're looking at getting a job or going to Uni.

Well it doesn't happen like that for some of us, I got stuck a few years before adolescence in lots of ways and even at that point I was more in tune with the class a year or two below ours struggling to keep up with them.

That gap got bigger and more pronounced as my peers became teens and especially by sixteen plus, just about following the subjects but very out of sync with teenage life simply because I wasn't  a teenager mentally.

People do struggle to actually understand how it is that many of us who often have autism, adhd and other issues are just like that, in many respects children who may have the gifts that come from really understanding some topics very well but many of the vulnerabilities and needs that a child have.

Often we are dismissed for "refusing" to act our age when in reality we haven't elected to not be grown ups we are only acting on our actual feelings, emotions and behaviour that we innately have because we don't have any other.

We struggle when where we are able to find work, much of the conversation not least at things like office parties revolves around adult programming, grown up leisure and  the like so we can't  talk about what we love to play with, the cartoon series we adore and our latest plushies.

And then there those occasions when what you are meaning is utterly over our heads and the times people try to take advantage of it.

None of us is perfect but please do try to understand us and don't condemn what you don't understand.

The focus of the Tumblr

 

Working on the renewed and repositioned Tumblr we spoke of last week inserting the posts I wanted and getting it to the point we have now 600 posts on it really gets you into thinking exactly what is really about because so much water has gone under the bridge from when I first made a LB/ASB account with almost all legacy accounts gone apart from the messed up one.

The first thing to say is, nearly all of the old ASB scene on Tumblr is dead as in either as I experienced accounts deleted dead or dead as in seldom if ever updated from a few years back if they still exist.

My start point is really quite simple which is to say the appeal of school uniform comes from being a boy of the age who wore it to school but whose boyhood was more than just being a schoolboy in the literal sense.

It is the love of being the adult boy of ten that I am and the age appropriate life for someone who has age dysphoria as a everyday permanent thing rather than as role playing a schoolboy particularly when it revolves more about getting school discipline rather than learning, play or just enjoying life with the outlook of that ten year old.

Thus it is about Boyhood, the boyhood of the past I recall, the boyhood of todays bio-boys not more adult k1nk role playing stuff in the widest sense nor about strictly age regression (aka agere) because the bottom line is being how I am it is involuntary.

You can try to mask it, try to pass it off as something else but it's always there, always on directing your interests and having its needs that align to that of a actual boy of your developmental age.

A boy like me can and does present in casual ways as any actual ten year old does with casual attire, sporty clothes but equally I do wear only short trousers often in a way that mirrors smart casual if not school uniform most of the time.

I'm not seen nor regarded as fully adult in the wider community, a literal adult but child even though I am respected very much for what I have done in adult roles within it and they have stepped up, looking out for me as that boy.

With that in mind the only posts on there will be just those that align to that which may include some vintage pictures of childhood but it won't be a blog of picture after picture of boys from the past.

The blog will be child friendly, being run by an adult child and careful when it comes to sources of reblogged images but won't be part of any formal age regression community even though it will be safe for them to reblog from.

It won't be as TSB was on the outset a ASB blog.

This last weeks lesson

Last week I was away, the first time for absolutely ages and I have heard of people feeling that in some ways lockdown changed them cos so many old routines and contacts were broken and with them how they see themselves.

Regulars know how over the years I've been stepping out from other peoples mistaken ideas about me since this blog started and specifically the period I first joined ASB and had my first Tumblr account and lockdown with me saw the realization that I was not age regressing to cope with adult life as good as that is for some but in reality it was I was Age Dysphoric, a adult according to the law but in reality very much a child all of the time emotionally and functionally.

I decided to travel and arrive at where I was going to be just as the boy I remain with few concessions to the attitudes and norms of grown ups cos let's be honest I am not one. 

Travelling up through Preston I stopped as friend had some stuff to pick up on route as I got some interesting looks and a smile from l'd say was a the mother of a mid teen girl as she parked next to our car with me in uniform and pretty visible.

Walking around was fun meeting hikers in shorts but more the Chino or Khaki sorts rather than mine with blue turn over tops and green garter sashes showing, talking about the weather feeling more like a ten year old by with his minder at hand to answer anything groan up as my thighs got wet.

I played with games and took an Action Man with me together with the Beano Summer Special, this weeks regular Beano and The Phoenix.

The one thing the I'd take away from the experience was just feeling comfortable in my own skin as the "eternal boy" looking as I did without a care and that in accordance with my boyhood era, this time only wearing much shorter shorts complete with matching blazer and blue striped turn over socks looking every inch a little ten year old boy.

In so many ways I have ceased to have a external adult presence with that now aligning with how I truly am internally.

Christopher knows who is is now: A little boy of ten and nothing more and glad to be one

Summer changes

We will know soon enough about what is actually going to happen over the summer as at the time of typing this there is much discussion although it seems most likely to be delayed until early July at the very least.

This does complicate things because I was rather hoping to get away given it's been near enough sixteen months since I was able to stay overnight somewhere and just explore never mind be with friends.

It's the uncertainty that's the killer really, not being able to make plans or if you do you find they can't happen.

The one thing from all this really is just rolling back to a children's role so much just living in the moment, doing what you're told and playing anyhow through it all letting all the deep thought and analysis pass me by.

It makes things easier to cope with cos you're just going with it is not that isn't stressful but you're not so focussed on it cos we can enough even if there are limits around contacts and I won't be going back to where I was because losing adult status and roles has been the one gain for me.

People look out for me, I do what they say now and  it works out better.

 

Emotions

The week after I had my second inoculation and have been resting a little although they were less than the first with me, I thought after a few years I'd write a reflective piece about a particularly inspired Disney movie.

 

One of the great things about the Disney movie Inside Out was how it showed the emotions Riley experienced clearly and how that impacted on her attitude and behaviour clearly identifying them

Identifying our emotions is actually quite hard for some of us which does lead into other problem areas such as being able to tell people how we feel and also regulate them as it's as if you have two states, full on or squashed.

 *Picture source vox.com

Actually although this chart was done for the movie, it is surprisingly helpful for those of who have these problems because you can easily tell where the overlapping of base emotions  lead  as they are clearly labelled so you can better thing through for yourself what you're feeling and communicate it to significant people in your life so they understand what you're feeling being better able to guide you managing the resulting emotions and behaviour you exhibit.

Learning to manage them is important in boyhood and sometimes we go off the rails somewhat.

Being a looked after Adult Child

 

The way that we are, they manner in which our actual developmental age is poses questions that I feel like exploring this week in connection with how we connect with the spaces we share with people whose chronological age we have in common.

To me the tendency to ignore 'mental age' progression with very limited acceptance of how that leaves you leads to whole array of social problems so one of the first things that needs to happen is support services need to spend more time identifying mental age development to devise better ways of handling the existence of people like me who are functionally children and who struggle in adult settings.

A more modern issue is how modern social media deals with us as users.

In the past everything we may of thought we wanted involved going through somebody usually a grown up with some authority like a shop keeper or membership person for a club who could reject our request or deny access to any or all parts of it based on our age or how 'mature' we were.

Social media online is different. A few mouse clicks to say you're over 18 or just enter your date of birth  (or make one up as does happen) and you get full access to any and all groups and unrestricted access to messaging.

'X' applied recently to be a member of a Facebook group but wrote in their details that they identified as 14 year old being age dysphoric and were declined on the basis it was age inappropriate for them to to belong by a moderator.

Personally I feel to have accepted your developmental age accepted and validated by a responsible adult in that way was quite encouraging simply because we can be otherwise in situations we are unable cope with leaving us vulnerable and easily exploited.

I was deliberately shielded from some aspects of school social life by the Mr.Evans, Head of Sixth Form with teachers prepared to intervene for those very reasons.

To me, If we 'identify' as a minor - and many of us do because of how our development has left us  - then it is only right that they treat us like minors including banning us from adult content sites or sub groups because it IS age inappropriate.

I don't think I'm talking out of turn to say having to dodge such content is something we do find upsetting when people post it in our spaces on various sites such as Tumblr so to have someone care enough to ensure we don't see it is just fantastic.

If I cannot barr as a matter of course such groups online I think the operators should do that for me giving me the protections of a actual child onsite and any access to site moderators or counsellors to both help me manage my account and to get quick assistance with any situation I cannot cope with without help.

I would have to forgo any adult privileges in doing so but frankly that would make more sense. 

On restoration

This week has seen the turning of 1,800 and 1,300 posts respectively on the restored TSB and TSB 2 tumblrs after last years shenanigans that wiped out the originals from April and July of 2018 when I first arrived there.

This week is one that for us has a holiday and so no doubt I will be outside making the most of the weather in the way that we always used to cos it was (and is) a day off from school when you go out with your mates to play only returning if you needed to go home for dinner wither or not you you all played footie or we were playing adventure games often with a war theme.

Without sounding disrespectful, I'd sooner do that than much on Tumblr cos so many blogs just come and go that I rather have adventures not least as I'm not always well and again when you think of it, as boys we just did things rather than being wrapped up in documenting them.

In that time from the very first Tumblr somethings have changed although much of the posts and that around them have gone of which the biggest one is being stable and confident with being that little boy in grey short trousers, knowing who he is even the things around me have changed over the years.

She understood it well as that boy it the time I encountered The Little House on the Prairie we did too and in accepting I am still that little boy keeping with the unchanging truths of life, free from the unneeded sophistication and  attempts to twist things for adult ends to remain so is a blessing for me.

From enjoying the simple pleasures of play to that of the splendour of nature such things are of real emotional benefit to me.

Every time I see a train especially a steam train, the boy always comes out in me, cos in truth he's there, he's happy amongst the sounds, smell, sight of trains and the old ways like in this picture of the Talyllyn Railway which I went on in the 1970's.

*Post inspired from Tumblr circa dec 2018-April 2019.

Dealing with citizenship

In a couple of weeks unlike a good 99% of the time I will be engaging in adult activities for a few minutes having spent a hour thinking things through just a bit first so you may well be wondering "and how do you of all people do that?"

The first thing to say is I had an interest in current affairs - what is happening and why - in childhood because when we joined the Common Market that was something that was talked about in class cos whatever you thoughts now, it was a change in our lives we would be living with.

We had a good number of visitors to school who were people like visitors like the late Baroness Shirley Williams ministers and educationalists and indeed I did have afternoon tea with then Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher at No. 10 Downing Street no less.

We did debate things, often very spiritedly because really we we learning to listen to different points of view and reply to them rather than 'cancelling' them.

I could at twelve and even a little early get to grips with key issues and the things in common and the things that differ between different peoples views being less concerned with the frankly childish bear pit that is Party Politics and rather more at trying to solve problems and make things run better for the ordinary person.

Like a number of areas we have Police and Crime Commissioner elections and what I am more interested in are things like ensuring people who report a crime do feel that crime is important and will be looked into, that no one section of community are able to feel they are above the law and that people are able to go about their lawful activities without fear and intimidation.

I also feel much needs to be spent on providing youth services to both provide a path away from anti social activity and to offer opportunities to learn life skills like resolving differences in ways that don't include the use of knives. 

There were swinging cuts to the youth budget before the pandemic kicked in and that saw youth clubs shut with increases in crime and anti social behaviour in some areas that didn't just cause problems fro residents but also resulted in actions against the police whose job it was to see and respond to incidents.

I think a refocusing on youth prevision would be a good idea as we come out of lockdown.

Purely personally I don't feel these positions actually do that much for ordinary people when you bear in mind many councils have Police Committees with a chairman who do meet with the public.

I don't feel one commissioner and a deputy plus admin is the best use of very scarce resources given they achieve little more than the committees themselves did before for rather less money.

I'll be looking at the candidates manifestoes and deciding which I feel is the best given we can't opt out of having one

Moving on

 

It could be easily me any day of the week reading Commando magazines or the Beano if you were to drop by and actually see me, face little different from my early teens ditto much of my frame.

It would of been and whenever I got the chance when I was in my mid teens with my folks away just how I looked even by that era's stands still more of a boy than a 'young man' or an teen aping young men wanting that status.

That was a bit of that battle I talked about on That Uniformed School Boy last week was really about at the time because it was a status I didn't want nor need because frankly I couldn't actually use it and in any event I never saw myself as a teen never mind a young man in the making.

I've utterly dropped any pretence of being other than just a little boy of ten openly referring to "going out to play", talking of "The grown ups are talking about..." clearly disassociating myself from them and instead just being happy to be a boy of little consequence, who has things done and bought for him, showing his gratitude accepting lesser status.

Just tearing up my adult side publicly looking like and acting from my ten year old self was the best thing I did. Blow away dandelion.

I just feel so much more at ease with myself.

Rest at Easter edition

 After the last few posts this week I thought I'd write something a little different.

It was the case for part of this last week I was ill with a migraine, periodic complication that goes back well into childhood where I can vividly remember  having to stay in my bedroom at the age of seven in our second family home in bed with the proverbial sick bucket by me for a few days.

That was what it was like month after month, missing events, spending time out of class playing catch up later on when you struggled with lessons anyway with undiagnosed at the time dyslexia so a part of this life remains unchanged too.

You learn to hold on to the possibilities of tomorrow, the life after such spells of ill health  looking forward to better days.

In some ways those days this last week were the same for this eternal boy, just about making it to Easter spending time outdoors recovering before watching some sport on tv and the Easter service with the boy choristers from Canterbury and having my easter eggs in smallish chunks to reduce the likelihood of at least getting a headache but able to enjoy such boys treats anew.

Straightening things out

One thing that does irritate me at times is the tendency for people to assume people automatically assume a newcomer is fully up to speed with what a group is really all about to the point that with that first enquiry, people are questioning if they are "really" x or y on the basis of language used.

People are both creatures of habit and also of social conditioning so they may answer more on the basis of what they are used to especially if concepts may be fresh to them so to quickly form a judgement as to whither or not they are a "true" something or other to me seems not just unwelcoming but not allowing them the space to grow comfortable expressing themselves and to see for themselves what is is they are.

Sometimes to I feel that with some people more at one with identity politics rather than seeking the understanding of why some of us are different that they become 'gatekeepers'  of their label.

Coming out Age Dysphoric was not easy, nor was just accepting that from the inside I am a child, jettisoning a ton of neuro-typical conditioning and masking so understanding how a person fresh to this or any other condition that questions societies norms  space for their own journey is something I feel matters.

Not just making a snap judgment.

Some thoughts on me and this blog

Somethings do not remain the same either because they move away from you or you yourself on this road start to move on in your understanding of how this life and the stuff around you talk about changes.

Thus this blog has had a few changes although thanks to changes in the years with bloggers Theme Designer some elements of the graphic design can't be altered without remove much of what does work and much of that reflects the way I see myself.

I dislike with a passion alphabet soups of acronyms and frequent changes of terminology but as I explained last week Age Dysphoric and Age Dysphoria are better descriptors for what I am and what I feel and so a few bits of this blog have been rewritten to use those more accurate terms.

Being so-called "Normal" or at least masking it was heavily pushed by 'professionals', school and at the time embarrassed parents as they were into the Medical Model of Disability seeing me not just physically but developmentally in need of 'fixing' but my true nature always would surface apart from the vulnerabilities of having a child-like outlook in a hands off adult environment never quite seeing what was going on until it was too late.

It dawned on me that actually I could never be "normal" and it was more important to learn to accept me as I was, no longer feeling ashamed of being an 'eternal child' only dealing with anything adult that I could manage for myself, accepting my limits.

Rather than masking in effect that "eternal child" I accepted it working as best I could on being independent as that child of adult legal age and recognizing that societies problems with being who I am are theirs and certainly not mine.

I'd say embrace yourself as you are and work on being the best you you can be.

Sometimes you do encounter people who feel you need to be fixed, advocating programs to eliminate this whole side of you because this difference can cause issues but really that cannot change you and effectively are saying the only cure for other people to intimidating and bullying you  is you to become them.

I personally don't subscribe to the view that any one person is an expert in this life, never mind its leader so take a more allowing an individual to explore for themselves finding what works for how age dysphoria affects them rather than pushing an one size fits all agenda.