The march toward recovery

This week is one that has seen me start to get back rather more to things before the illness and other related stuff appeared tp take over much of my life and so just over a month on it would make sense to try to get back to where we were.
One form of this is to resume walking the longer route through common land, country lanes and passing fields I did until then which is what I did the other day, taking my time at it as this illness has left me lacking in energy and taking account of my feelings as I proceeded.
One of things I like about this route is once you're out of the built up area, there are a number of points where you can just and just take several minutes thing about things as one thing I have prone to do is not actually process what I actually feel whereas by stopping and putting them into words I do.
It was a beautiful warm summery day with brilliant sunshine, I suppose you could call it the "Indian Summer" sandwiched between this years sweltering July and August and the onset of The Fall. 
I felt quite emotional for being alive and able to enjoy this after what happened that could easily of robbed me of my life
I also reflected on the distance I had come  battling with issues around gender identity and gender roles over the years as I moving into a point of being more secure in myself of what I am, presenting and being interacted with as that male and of being actually gendered even if the odd like may be less than stereotypically boyish.
I just feel several times more confident socially now than I ever did before for just being me.

Summer Littles Away time

This year I did get away with some littles even if bits weren't really my cup of tea for being,well, girlish.

As an adult little boy who is more on the Middle side for me this whole thing is rather like the Caregiver/little side of things in that it is a space to allow the child-like me out to play and interact as if I was an actual child at a emotional age appropriate level for me, the one impacted significantly by my developmental/learning disabilities that in so many ways I function ordinarary and with no choice at that level.

It's hardly age-play, I mean I didn't choose it, it just the hand I was given and it's a matter of learning to make the most of the only life I have.

I have been interested as much as I'm more around upper UK juniors and first year senior side about things more associated with younger children as for example I've always been drive to spin or rattle things such as whizzing tape reels around or enjoying the sound of winding a cassette back with a pencil or impulsively leaping to a rattle.

While I was away a "Baby Gym" with a pretty patterned mat and mobiles that made noises had been set out and I though, "Right, it's a quiet area" and decided to have a bit of a play with it.
It only took a few minutes and I sensed myself shifting to a younger more tactile headspace playing with it so while I may not identify with AB, some things from it could be in my little space needs that benefit from being met.

The other large side to this that for this whole period I am in a setting where my behaviour and attitudes are under the gaze of adults with authority over me and where I know I will be taken to one side and spanked without exception for any breaches of what I know isn't acceptable.

We did have a games morning where in sports kit we played in teams which was rather fun plus jigsaws and models to complete.

I brought my Beano summer special with me rather like I used to on family holidays in the past and a plushie to keep me company.