Calming your mind

Let's face it, it can be a very noisy, distracting old world out there not least for those of us who are autistic to the point it drives us cranky but while are some things others can do to reduce these things that leace us unsettled (and it may even help them) what about those situations we aren't in control of what is winding us up?

This is a useful little chart of steps we can take in that situation to get back some control of our emotions so while we may not be able to prevent the situations existing, we do have choices about responding from cutting ourselves of from them to doing something we can be more involved in so our responses are better and we have a better day.
 

Facing reality

However I may look at it, the events of 2006/7 were very much where much of this whole realization of who I was and where things had began to unravel at a rate of knots came from.

From my early teens (so-called) I had felt pushed in to appearing to be mature not so much in behaviour which was and is still is very much less than but more by taking an interest in adult things that gave people the impression I had that sophistication that when matched by a more preppy look, allowed me to mask the real me.

In a lot of ways I was role playing, actually, pretending to be this urbane font of philosophical and political knowledge to the point of studying subjects around it because it seemed to gave me a place the grown up world could accept to the point I joined their organizations and adapted of sorts to their structures.

In time that would lead me to being directly involved in current affairs, even taking a central role within one organization so while other aspects of my life were not going so well on the face of it this seemed okay.

What started off as a great idea turned very much into a monster very quickly because in all of this, the masking lead me to ignore who I was and the very thing that I was discourage from accepting, that I lacked the one necessary thing to do it: An adult sense of self.

Chunks of what ended up as a severe nervous breakdown were rooted in areas such as being given roles to perform by people while wanting them to be filled and to be seen as an authority of fulfilling them  but without their own involvement. 

Critical meetings were missed due to too many other events and having no proper cover, not only had they not been attended and from that having lost our say, when I did attend I was left to defend why when we said someone was, nobody did.

The bigger thing in all this was for all that outward sophistication, I lacked the abilities of a adult to cope emotionally in this environment, not having the resilience, I struggled to read agendas with notes and follow meetings and could not relate to the others as adults simply because I wasn't one. 

I might as well as been a 13 year old in debating society, looking for the adults to oversee it.

It didn't take long before I was on leave because my nerves had gone, I struggled to get through a day even at work without crying and if I did attend a meeting I just froze over like an ice block.

That's when it really hit home about being me.

I AM A CHILD WHO'S AGE IS JUST OLDER BY THE CALENDAR, THAT'S ALL.

This was the point here I had to slowly put away that masked version and learn to live again as the child I am rediscovering play, dressing and acting more like my real younger self, finding out more about others who do similar things.

Loss and Boy Pride

If you hadn't noticed there's been a few minor changes on here in part a response to what I was talking about last week and connected to what is coming soon once I'm a hundred percent happy with it.

Watching Jamie Johnson on Thursday before Blue Peter brought a few issues to my mind forward from where they were last left.

The first is the most painful which is to say that when something has happened to you that affects what you can do like for him his football career for me losing the ability to do much with my hands and the accident that caused brain damage when I was fourteen, you grieve for the loss of those things and the impact on your future.

When you are like this you are not in the most balanced place mentally, you do have the incident playing in slow motion in your head as you deal with things like culpability - who really is to blame for this - and how other people react.

Some people for the best of reasons just seem to get too close and personal wanting to "feel your pain" and "fix everything" and it comes over very much as if they're living through you trying to get a merit badge, as if "I care about you" means you interfere and I should just let you.

That's the point he pretty much exploded and to be honest I'd tell you to "____ off " because you have really no idea how I feel and it isn't about how you do.

I'm very much from a more rugged masculine boyhood who'd run a hundred miles in the other direction if you came anywhere near to treating me as a object of sympathy, with lots of fuss and a gazillion "we thought you might be down and we'd to or take you to... "offers being pushed at you.

Like Jamie even if I had worked hard on something all year I could never accept a compensatory medal or award when I hadn't put in the work which is the standard for it.

All I would of wanted was the practical help to enable me to do that so when I got it it was because of my own efforts, because I'd of channelled my energy into standing on my own two feet again and working at it like anyone else.

Look, like him I'm okay with praise if you do something well, capable of handling told by your team you need to change if not. because you're a part of it and you expect to be treated the same way but I've got my Boy Pride and you darn well should respect it.

Although I made my peace with how I am and how that ties into this life that's very much the thing.

A new balance in the post Covid order?

The shape of the post Covid-19 World is one that a number of people are talking about as in England, United Kingdom we are easing the lockdown and some of the tensions between science and political concerns are beginning to show.

One revolves very much around Women in the workplace which has been increasing since the 1970's aided by a combination of protection of employment while pregnant, reductions in the age of state schooling, the adding of both pre and post school clubs and funded nurseries for four year olds.

This then was topped up with older grandparents providing emergency cover and school holidays.

All of this is strongly affected by the virus with grandparents being instructed not look after children under ten due to higher risk and the likelihood of children being significant asymptomatic carriers.

Government and opposition for matter want schools reopened at least in part to enable working parents usually mothers to return but with a social distance of 2 metres to be maintained between in child, the resultant class sizes are at least a half and UK classrooms are fairly cramped.

What this means is you need to double the space and teaching staff to teach in a way that is safe if you are to reopen five days a week per child, per class, per school.

This needless to say isn't possible so some are having rotas that at rising 5's thru 11 equate to two days a week per group per class with additional work being set for home usually using the internet although that itself brings issues with connections and hardwear availability for a significant number of children.

The pre and after school clubs are off excepting certain "key worker children".

It hasn't dawned upon people that actually a good proportion of women will be unable to return because what made it possible isn't likly to change until a year at the very least when the crisis is actually under control.

Thus the gender balance will tilt as in the main it is then easier for men to return or take up a work placement because they do need the additional measures deemed socially necessary and of necessity those left out will need to relearn how to support children and be more mothers by what they do rather than having them for free time and relying on others to take that up.

It may be that women create anew roles and functions that are not about careers but about contributions, helping run community groups even running as until under New Labour under fives play groups rather than semi academic  nurseries with curriculums  that often cost more than £150 per week per child and to which there is little evidence children that age need academic education rather than socialization and play, parents teaching children to read themselves.

Personally I feel the experiment with artificially equalizing has been shown to be unsustainable.

Coping and being cared for

The present corona virus pandemic is very worrying but for boys that advice by Mr. Rodgers is really the thing that matters now as it did then.

Men and indeed women are not waiting around while talking up the crisis but instead are doing what is responsible and lending a hand to help, showing real leadership and good morals not ransacking food stores creating more problems for everyone at such a stressful time.

Other things that tie into included going for a long walk to get away from the relentless coverage in the media dressed in grey shorts and socks (covered elsewhere by my walking post) where men spoke with me checking I was okay.

It felt lovely to be cared for by adults of my own gender, man to adult boy who just engaged with me more like their own sons reflecting masculine care for each other.

Working WITH emotions

Hello and welcome to this weeks edition of That Traditional Schoolboy's Dorm where we take sometimes a rawer and sorer look at adult little boy life and what being that male really means in today's world.

One thing that can't be denied is the linkage between the past and the present  thus for much of yesterday Alison was on my mind who joined us in Juniors when the family moved from Scotland to here in Staffordshire and who sadly her mother died just before Christmas but between the investigations into cause of death - Cancer - and the Christmas hols these things take time.

Anyone that really knows me understands it's a rough time of year emotionally where all the stuff about presents, carols and a man in red and white are mixed in with deaths of childhood friends as that child in this period. And that life and death cycle don't stop. 

It IS hard to stay on top of that continuing on in your life but you need learn strike the balance between understanding the need to listen, reflect and act on the advice of others and what is just anxiety making pressure from people who just feel everybody needs to follow them and their ways of handling things.

While I rather suspect this glossy magazine's cover is a mock up, it does indicate some of pressures that are brought to bear on us which these days do include appearance.
While it's good to be healthy and to have muscles which working out with can help lift your mood, a preoccupation with body image leads you to ignore what matters most - your personality - and what you have to offer. 

It is okay to accept and talk through your feelings but being emotionally incontinent, letting our feelings just run out of us like a torrent isn't healthy because we just get flooded and drift away rather than focusing on how to fix what is ailing us 
.
It isn't becoming of us  to be always on the edge of blubbering away as it solves nothing and certainly no girl wants something that emotionally at least is like  a needy girlfriend, she wants a man that cares, that has emotions but also has balls. 

To be blunt we should Man Up cutting out the media supported Woke crying man act and get on with the business of fixing it, supporting our friends and family and moving on from what undeniable caused us pain and upset.

lt may not always be easy but its better for men and boys. We work WITH emotions.

Masculine mental health

Because I and this blog is unshakably pro male supporting those things that we excel in doesn't mean to say everything in the world of boys is always right and critically because you are experiencing them does not make you any less a male for all that.

There are problems around body self image that effect some boys, worrying increasingly so that lead into issues around anorexia and self harming that may be connected to impossibly unrealistic images of men shown in advertising and 'gym club culture'.

We don't all get a 'perfect' six pack.

Something like one man in nine is abused in intimate relationships by women, many boys are intimidated and bullied by men who are trying to live their own lives through their sons  in sports, careers and religious observance and some women in positions of power routinely put down boys and men in front of their peers.

Abuse need not be physical, indeed abuse by girls and women on males can take the form of mental or psychological cruelty.

As boys and men we can be sexually abused by either men in homosexual relationships or by women and girls so a man or boy can and sadly is raped.

As men and boys we need to support each other dealing with these challenges, listen, reflect and advise where we can.

A boy or man who comes out to his mates about his challenges isn't soft or making a fuss about nothing, he is talking about the pain he feels.

A guy who has the Balls to come out with it has got more guts than any who just passes it off as if it never happened  and is very much a Real Man for it because by doing so he's enabling himself to receive the support he needs to work on how he's effected  and take control of its outcome.

He is a real man, a bloke and we will stand by him.

The march toward recovery

This week is one that has seen me start to get back rather more to things before the illness and other related stuff appeared tp take over much of my life and so just over a month on it would make sense to try to get back to where we were.
One form of this is to resume walking the longer route through common land, country lanes and passing fields I did until then which is what I did the other day, taking my time at it as this illness has left me lacking in energy and taking account of my feelings as I proceeded.
One of things I like about this route is once you're out of the built up area, there are a number of points where you can just and just take several minutes thing about things as one thing I have prone to do is not actually process what I actually feel whereas by stopping and putting them into words I do.
It was a beautiful warm summery day with brilliant sunshine, I suppose you could call it the "Indian Summer" sandwiched between this years sweltering July and August and the onset of The Fall. 
I felt quite emotional for being alive and able to enjoy this after what happened that could easily of robbed me of my life
I also reflected on the distance I had come  battling with issues around gender identity and gender roles over the years as I moving into a point of being more secure in myself of what I am, presenting and being interacted with as that male and of being actually gendered even if the odd like may be less than stereotypically boyish.
I just feel several times more confident socially now than I ever did before for just being me.