Progress for the New Term

This whole things seems to have a life of its very own as areas of my life are starting to change rapidly some parts even being literally binned away because of a considerable amount confusion and misunderstanding around who I am and from that my life's direction.

Life for a variety of reasons such as my disabilities, a odd style of parenting that was low on input but high on analysis having its own ideas about defining which boxes I should be in and some issues around gender identification and roles all featured in it

Thus you could fairly describe me as being troubled but more from a troubled childhood raising rather more and that is some of the things I am working through and in the past their have been more enlightened people who saw me as what I am a - a role seeking missile needing attention and tuition - and how did make more of a impact for the better in my life.

In so many ways that boy by the car is 'as old' as I get and sometimes less but for some of problems I have had with gender identities and roles is very much who I am and for the extent to to which I may be at variance help in finding a balance between some of them and the need to 'be' the boy you are in your social setting was more what I needed.

That is a big area I am working on now as some of the confused approaches ultimately didn't work for me and give me no proper sense of gender identity leaving me lost.

The irony was my junior teachers could and did work in their own ways on it so at least I had an identity in the front of my peers helping me to feel good about being a boy - my own sense of boyhood.

Pix credit: Neil Godfrey (born 1937) Resting Dancer, 1987

Bottom lineis devoid of any clothing  I am just like any other male so I am making more of an attempt to find ways of fitting more around this, to be more socially male, while finding the spaces for those things that don't slot so well in that causes the least issues to what actually matters - being one of the boys.  

One area where a combination of disabilities plus a failure to teach social skills was was in toilet training and where now I have learned to pee standing up keeping my shorts and underpants on like every other boy and man which will help with fitting in with male social norms and help me feel more like a boy.

Where there is little benefit to me, some aspects that crept into how I lived are just being discarded wholesale which after these years is almost like discarding a crutch you learned to live with but in reality this is so much better even if you feel emotional taking that step.

Learning to change, to grow up a bit more and to integrate more into the world of boys and men are what I need