Daddy's Boy

Just been getting things ready for dad to return he's been a bit poorly of late so he don't come back to a list a metre long of stuff to do while really I'd rather have week of all boy all the time fun rather than a domestic assistant

Although there were a few issues over the years, I'm more a daddy boys really loving spending time with him and his interests like trains and electrics and he still sees me as "his boy" from the early days to day.

I grew up with things some have issues with and Golly's were one I had and collected things to get.

You can see reading this how by the late 1990's recieved opinion was changing even though many differeing opinions did exist.

Wait in the study!

 Well apart from the little matter of England losing the Euros which is a shame something else happened on Sunday here.

The replacement cassette machine for the faulty one arrived well packaged in a big thankfully not that heavy box thanks to Royal Mail.

Connected around this is the vexted question of what to record onto as the high street is very different than even the start of this century nevermind cassette's heyday of the 80's up to the mid 90's when there were shops that sold blank tapes and quite a variety of different ones available.

A common idea - I'd call it a romance - is the notion of putting an album on a period tape as if you had it back then but this notion has its risks and issues.

That is tape I recall from 1971/2 and the first shoe box cassette record I had then and budget tapes back then were noisy and limited in fidelity and indeed even the big brands of the day such as Philips, TDK and EMI were a good way removed from what they achieved by 1978/9.

Thus using a 1971 tape to put your James Taylor and Carly Simon albums on really wouldn't sound good as even when new they weren't good and tapes are subject to varying levels of deterioration.

As it was the new machine dual capstan mechanism objected to the stiffness of a otherwise well look after TDK SA tape from 1977 and chewed it out!

And that's really the thing, the "knock it on the head" moment about that period tape business, it's not practical.

You can find still a good amount of tape from the early 80's to around the turn of century which provided it hasn't been in damp shed or o.ven like loft still is pretty good that I have a good amount in stock of.

But what about actual new, still being made tape?

Well actually some is being made completly from scratch, not using big "pancakes" of new old stock tape in the United States and in France.

Recording The Masters make studio quality open reel tape for studios that still record on tape and a sideline of that has been making brand new cassette blanks based on old BASF LN formulations and they can be recommended as while not cheap it will work perfectly and do sound better than post 2000 budget tape such as Maxell UR (the 90's UR wasn't bad) and chinese made brands you see on Ebay and Amazon.

They will play on anything.

Initially only made in C60 lengths last a half hour per side, they have commenced making C90's , the length we often used for either putting two records on or making our our compilations in the last 18 months or so.

The idea of making or remaking your favourite tapes and enjoying playing them is great but when old tapes may be in a poor state (and not that great even new) I feel it's best to use newer if not new tapes whither or not you have a reconditioned and serviced machine like me or one of the new Teac decks.

Roadmaps?

It's kind of funny how it is you find the inspiration you need  when and where you may least expect it such as this drawing by TheLatestKate on Tumblr.

Tumblr is a funny place in that all manner of things can be found on there, sometimes original texts or as in this instance art amongst a vast forest of straight reblogging of everyone elses so sometimes you see the same thing several times over not helped by encourage people to reblog things that may not even be their own just because someone got there first.

But actually, to get back the post itself,  when I first started this blog and got on a few sites sites way back when, truly I had no real idea of where everything would lead, never mind the series of connections and roundabouts I'd go through tryin' to figure it what was I was and what it was I wanted and needed.

Today I have more of an idea where I am at and how that can fit in with others because you don't have to become in effect someone else to fit into any group or especially take part in an activity because everyone is different, unique, hey even by the next guys standard "wierd".

I may like to wear my uniform under a dufflecoat and enjoy jumping in puddles just like I did way back then but I don't have to do what you might like  and that's okay.

We all have the right to be us having things in common and things different than everyone else.

Reflections on past incidents

This week I've been reminded of some of the distance I've travelled following the start of this blog and a number of events in my life that were very traumatic for me following my second best friends feeling overwhelmed by people demand their services for free just cos she's popular.

Much of that reminding came through recall of the incidents in trying to explain something however imperfectly about what I learned from them that helped me move past that may be of some use or comfort that even thinking about upset me.

Some of my thoughts and my problems around those events were that I never really processed them emotionally so much as attempted to stick them in the (emotional) trash can so they were hanging around and finding myself by accident processing them this week helped in drawing a line under what had happened.

I saw a site that had go in for some really heavyweight verbal abuse and liable at that time have people post on it this week that actually they never had an issue with me and some saying they didn't understand why it had all started in the first place when at the time it had left me feeling very frightened, vulnerable and even wanting to take my life.

I remembered all too well the nervous breakdown from 2006/7 when I had a very important community role with financial and other responsibilities where it was I was being left with essential tasks others with greater abilities  and non of my 'adult' functioning problems while willing left me alone to deal with them and a public who expected way too much.

Autism is very much like that when it comes to just how people treat some of us, damned if we do, damned if we don't, they tell us they aren't mind readers but they also don't want to be told cos they feel that's patronizing.

With regret I came to the conclusion problem was non-austic peoples presumption in favour of their own ideas not wishing to be open others and recognizing they themselves often mix-message which makes it hard to know just what they are thinking.

That was the moment I had to ungrow up and acknowledge a painful truth, that the era of pretend and masking needed to stop because functionally I was at the level and abilities of a child and simply could not cope with the sort of adult responsibilities such roles expected of me.

As  one employed person of said organization whose name I won't mention on the internet said "I really had to shield and protect him (me) from what he was expected to do and cope  with".

I left them with a excellent testimonial thanks to that person for what I had managed to do and started to work on rebuilding the links to my Inner Child and in time letting her out, feeling more at ease of being the chronological adult who is child in all other respects with same needs and interests.

I moved forward in my life by embracing and moving back to the past - my past and being the child I am.

Junior Chris

One form of Junior me is like this, just devoid of blazer where the longer grey school shorts was changed for a shorter hard-wearing lined one similar to that wear by boys at my junior school did and where the V neck sweater allowing my shirt and school tie to show through.

The key word in this 'Junior', pre-teen, as that's very much how feel my inner child is and mentally I'm at as afterward the mismatch between appearing teen and how I was (and remain) really became more noticeable to the point I had to be looked after and even sheltered from some aspects of regular teen life.

Like many of us I guess I was feeling a bit despondent following Monday's announcement we were going into England wide full lockdown with stricter rules as I have done as much as I can to stay within them, looking after my health trying to keep transmission down when you've seen stupid and irresponsible behaviour  by others often go unpunished.

While we are told we "should" only go out once to exercise that wording doesn't imply you cannot or that doing so will be automatically a breach of the Corona regulations more that they'd rather you didn't.

In this district it is possible to go out and hardly encounter a soul so if you were that way minded you could probably do so safely with no more risk than being in your own (fair sized in my case) garden.

I guess it's going be more comic reading and time outdoors playing and at least this time the playgrounds will be open.

Making Babysteps to recovery

To make a real recovery you need to go back to the point things started to go adrift and for me it was really around about thirteen.

In the ideal world I'd of been in middle school, who would of understood for my increasing sophistication when it came to interests fundamentally I was more a advanced junior rather than an mini adult.

You might understand sex appeal but you're not thinking along sexual lines in the way those over fourteen often are having the same sorts of needs as say a ten or eleven year old.

Heck I was still playing very much in the manner of one even as my peers where I lived moved on, still having adventures with action man and playing with my lego sets.

I was still very much tactile and  given to emotions.

Just acting older and blocking out my real needs such as play, reading more junior fiction and having adventures did me no good.

Ungrowing and being more a mature Boy really is of more use to someone like me.

L is for little

After last months entry I saw this and feel it's time to be more open about certain things.

I AM a little, I AM bratty at times that's cos I'm needing someone else to direct me. I DO dress and  speak in a more childlike manner although for me some of this has medical reasons and DO find this dynamic  comforting although for me there's nothing sexual going on.

A return to the headspace of the one I had at this age is so much better for me.

When you do more things like this as that age regressed boy.

Littleness, regresssion and age-play

As ever on Tumblr there's a battle going on between people over what being a little is and any involvement of those under 18 in it however as ever there is more heat than light being generated by the keyboard warriors with many meme's and posts being put up and commented on.

This one is quite well intentioned in trying to explain the difference between age-playing and what emotionally appropriate behaviour that comes from being in actual state of regression where your responses come from the child within and less than any kind of scripted character you play.

 I do feel they have however got Little Space actually quite wrong because that is the emotional and behavioural environment  that as  a person who has regressed you have got into - you feel and so respond as that child - and not the act of being a little.

To get into it it is true you need to regress or otherwise release that child within an adult body or if you are like me not to have developed into it fully anyway.

There are some who are trying to put in a schism between the ChIRes advocates of littleness by regression and that of Caregiver/littles who are being characterized as a part of of the more 'adult' bsdm side.

For  me the whole point in a CG/l relationship is effectively that while in that headspace the Caregiver is providing the love, nurturing and support that is the equal of a parent or guardian arising from those needs as their little you have.

It is not necessarily sexual although some may enjoy that however meeting any sexual needs may find themselves which might be only in their 'Big' side of life.

They are not so much opposites degrees in which individuals chose to live their lives making informed decisions recognizing as appropriate the issues of informed consent as the bottom line always is that as adults legally only we can consent-minors regardless of any other feelings simply cannot deemed the responsibility of others such as parent(s) or guardians.

To me dressing as and being treated as a little boy is the pinnacle being in such a relationship

Age play

Summer Littles Away time

This year I did get away with some littles even if bits weren't really my cup of tea for being,well, girlish.

As an adult little boy who is more on the Middle side for me this whole thing is rather like the Caregiver/little side of things in that it is a space to allow the child-like me out to play and interact as if I was an actual child at a emotional age appropriate level for me, the one impacted significantly by my developmental/learning disabilities that in so many ways I function ordinarary and with no choice at that level.

It's hardly age-play, I mean I didn't choose it, it just the hand I was given and it's a matter of learning to make the most of the only life I have.

I have been interested as much as I'm more around upper UK juniors and first year senior side about things more associated with younger children as for example I've always been drive to spin or rattle things such as whizzing tape reels around or enjoying the sound of winding a cassette back with a pencil or impulsively leaping to a rattle.

While I was away a "Baby Gym" with a pretty patterned mat and mobiles that made noises had been set out and I though, "Right, it's a quiet area" and decided to have a bit of a play with it.
It only took a few minutes and I sensed myself shifting to a younger more tactile headspace playing with it so while I may not identify with AB, some things from it could be in my little space needs that benefit from being met.

The other large side to this that for this whole period I am in a setting where my behaviour and attitudes are under the gaze of adults with authority over me and where I know I will be taken to one side and spanked without exception for any breaches of what I know isn't acceptable.

We did have a games morning where in sports kit we played in teams which was rather fun plus jigsaws and models to complete.

I brought my Beano summer special with me rather like I used to on family holidays in the past and a plushie to keep me company.

Age play

What does age play mean to you?

It’s not a phrase I use simply because my Middles with a little side flows from my inner child in real time less than the notion of say taking on a pre-defined role with an script, running more with actual child within emotional responses and  needs as it happens in real time. 

I'd call this 'age regression'.  It’s more space for my Middle with little side to express herself with the ‘play’ being the setting where she comes out.

It also is the case with developmental disabilities and brain damage, even at school, not least high school, I was considerably younger than my years which left me out of sync from my mid teens onward with most of my peers although I could share in say a love of music and some movies at least but with a lot their more grown up interests and sexual references going completely over my head, like they’d be talking about making out and I’d be more interested in having a teddy bears picnic or a tween sleepover

.
For me those situations either on line or in playmeets  with some of my friends over here are very therapeutic to me because they’re where I can really let that side of me out without the fear of people poking fun although the community where I live are very tolerant of my child-like ways and being know to have “special needs” does run  to my advantage in that way, allowing a greater degree of self expression than I’d of imagined after leaving high school.

How do you express you inner-kid: online? offline as part of your everyday life?

Online is fun as I am very childlike, cracking lame jokes, getting super excited but thankfully most people are at least tolerant of my childlike ways although I make serious posts on non IK sites but am very open at sites like DDLG World  about my little side sometimes really regressing in say a IK chat room
In what we call Real Life, as will be apparent later on, my 'big’ and I express ourselves pretty much the same, which can be fun  cos I just can’t help being myself as I use child-like phrases and words instinctively, often have plaything with me (my last works colleagues 'got it’ and were super understanding of me being very much a child to the point of buying childrens gifts at Christmas),  do dress in a more child-like way, often have cute plushies around, and easily move into little/middle headspace when I’m out, playing with thing.

My IK really comes out at Adult Little Boy meets and sleepovers, it’s just like boarding school which I loved having been to one and I’m always dressed as Middle in either playwear or English school uniform which fits me perfectly.

How do you view your innerkid? As an integrated part of you? As being totally separate? .. or maybe you don’t feel you have an innerkid per say just feel littler.

The answer to this is simple  which is to say I don’t have much of adult sense of self through the real world impact of learning, development and intellectual disabilities to the point much of the adult world is beyond my personal comprehension, having no interest or need to. 

I have chores like tidying up and helping with hoovering.

Basically I’m a child with a big age number living more like a child apart from paying taxes and that.