Words

For once I'm actually a bit ahead of myself with a combination of both getting up a bit earlier and blitzing chores and generally being a bit more "on the ball" across the days.

I can remember some of the conversations around that kind of thing well cos while I'd never say I was perfect and did need some chastising, the thing that still rankles a bit with me is really the way in which there appeared to be double standards.

I may of left things in ways that of been untidy or in the way but say dad may of left heaps of things for over a month and nothing got said about that that or the time I was told to reduce my coats down to three from four cos did had nowhere to put all his - over ten - by mum.

He might of threatened grevious bodily harm to a cat after a bird but my protesting was a "you are under my roof and if you have any issues with my actions leave" matter.

It's that kind of thing really but women can be just as capable of it too - and some certainly have an issue with males full stop - but you can't avoid the need for adults to actually parent us and tragically we've seen instances where they've failed utterly in that allowing much suffering to others

Reliable, fair and supportitive adult authority is what boys need, ideally from men.

Structure and Emotions

Quite a few things happened across the week.

One thing connected with the Forum that can be hard going is when a post or two that are made do not fit what the thread is about.

We've had before things like a person putting a fictional account in a thread about actual real life experiences or mixing up subjects so when you click on a  thread to look at one thing the subject has totally changed.

We do have threads for related Images but we like to keep actual images such as photographs and drawings seperate from A.I. generated ones that have their own thread and all credited, published with authority of whoever owns the right(s) to that image.

Please try to keep things in the right thread.

The other main thing is our actual childhood pasts do connect to our present day realities, how we may see things as being perhaps feeling you were accused or punished for something unjustly or blamed by others which can cause trust issues.

You might feel "Everybody's always blaming me".

For some of us sibling relations are a huge problem because how they treated you such as getting you into trouble, stealing, telling lies all the time and not to put too fine a point on it emotional abuse in the home.

You may have tried desperately to be a good - never perfect - older brother but the way you were treat leaves issues to this day.

There are plus points to being very much a adult child not least when like for me it is developmentally what you are but it also means I have the same sorts of reactions as a child in certain situations leading to situations that can be trying.

I have been trying to sort through with one sibling these issues as painful as they are and to get them to open up to what was going on with them at the time.

We have got to the point where one is now prepared to allow me to be their next of kin after their partner which is improvement on how things were two years ago.

Daddy's Boy

Just been getting things ready for dad to return he's been a bit poorly of late so he don't come back to a list a metre long of stuff to do while really I'd rather have week of all boy all the time fun rather than a domestic assistant

Although there were a few issues over the years, I'm more a daddy boys really loving spending time with him and his interests like trains and electrics and he still sees me as "his boy" from the early days to day.

I grew up with things some have issues with and Golly's were one I had and collected things to get.

You can see reading this how by the late 1990's recieved opinion was changing even though many differeing opinions did exist.

Reflections on past incidents

This week I've been reminded of some of the distance I've travelled following the start of this blog and a number of events in my life that were very traumatic for me following my second best friends feeling overwhelmed by people demand their services for free just cos she's popular.

Much of that reminding came through recall of the incidents in trying to explain something however imperfectly about what I learned from them that helped me move past that may be of some use or comfort that even thinking about upset me.

Some of my thoughts and my problems around those events were that I never really processed them emotionally so much as attempted to stick them in the (emotional) trash can so they were hanging around and finding myself by accident processing them this week helped in drawing a line under what had happened.

I saw a site that had go in for some really heavyweight verbal abuse and liable at that time have people post on it this week that actually they never had an issue with me and some saying they didn't understand why it had all started in the first place when at the time it had left me feeling very frightened, vulnerable and even wanting to take my life.

I remembered all too well the nervous breakdown from 2006/7 when I had a very important community role with financial and other responsibilities where it was I was being left with essential tasks others with greater abilities  and non of my 'adult' functioning problems while willing left me alone to deal with them and a public who expected way too much.

Autism is very much like that when it comes to just how people treat some of us, damned if we do, damned if we don't, they tell us they aren't mind readers but they also don't want to be told cos they feel that's patronizing.

With regret I came to the conclusion problem was non-austic peoples presumption in favour of their own ideas not wishing to be open others and recognizing they themselves often mix-message which makes it hard to know just what they are thinking.

That was the moment I had to ungrow up and acknowledge a painful truth, that the era of pretend and masking needed to stop because functionally I was at the level and abilities of a child and simply could not cope with the sort of adult responsibilities such roles expected of me.

As  one employed person of said organization whose name I won't mention on the internet said "I really had to shield and protect him (me) from what he was expected to do and cope  with".

I left them with a excellent testimonial thanks to that person for what I had managed to do and started to work on rebuilding the links to my Inner Child and in time letting her out, feeling more at ease of being the chronological adult who is child in all other respects with same needs and interests.

I moved forward in my life by embracing and moving back to the past - my past and being the child I am.

Emotions

The week after I had my second inoculation and have been resting a little although they were less than the first with me, I thought after a few years I'd write a reflective piece about a particularly inspired Disney movie.

 

One of the great things about the Disney movie Inside Out was how it showed the emotions Riley experienced clearly and how that impacted on her attitude and behaviour clearly identifying them

Identifying our emotions is actually quite hard for some of us which does lead into other problem areas such as being able to tell people how we feel and also regulate them as it's as if you have two states, full on or squashed.

 *Picture source vox.com

Actually although this chart was done for the movie, it is surprisingly helpful for those of who have these problems because you can easily tell where the overlapping of base emotions  lead  as they are clearly labelled so you can better thing through for yourself what you're feeling and communicate it to significant people in your life so they understand what you're feeling being better able to guide you managing the resulting emotions and behaviour you exhibit.

Learning to manage them is important in boyhood and sometimes we go off the rails somewhat.

Littleness, regresssion and age-play

As ever on Tumblr there's a battle going on between people over what being a little is and any involvement of those under 18 in it however as ever there is more heat than light being generated by the keyboard warriors with many meme's and posts being put up and commented on.

This one is quite well intentioned in trying to explain the difference between age-playing and what emotionally appropriate behaviour that comes from being in actual state of regression where your responses come from the child within and less than any kind of scripted character you play.

 I do feel they have however got Little Space actually quite wrong because that is the emotional and behavioural environment  that as  a person who has regressed you have got into - you feel and so respond as that child - and not the act of being a little.

To get into it it is true you need to regress or otherwise release that child within an adult body or if you are like me not to have developed into it fully anyway.

There are some who are trying to put in a schism between the ChIRes advocates of littleness by regression and that of Caregiver/littles who are being characterized as a part of of the more 'adult' bsdm side.

For  me the whole point in a CG/l relationship is effectively that while in that headspace the Caregiver is providing the love, nurturing and support that is the equal of a parent or guardian arising from those needs as their little you have.

It is not necessarily sexual although some may enjoy that however meeting any sexual needs may find themselves which might be only in their 'Big' side of life.

They are not so much opposites degrees in which individuals chose to live their lives making informed decisions recognizing as appropriate the issues of informed consent as the bottom line always is that as adults legally only we can consent-minors regardless of any other feelings simply cannot deemed the responsibility of others such as parent(s) or guardians.

To me dressing as and being treated as a little boy is the pinnacle being in such a relationship

On character

All I know is that was and felt like me.

Summer Littles Away time

This year I did get away with some littles even if bits weren't really my cup of tea for being,well, girlish.

As an adult little boy who is more on the Middle side for me this whole thing is rather like the Caregiver/little side of things in that it is a space to allow the child-like me out to play and interact as if I was an actual child at a emotional age appropriate level for me, the one impacted significantly by my developmental/learning disabilities that in so many ways I function ordinarary and with no choice at that level.

It's hardly age-play, I mean I didn't choose it, it just the hand I was given and it's a matter of learning to make the most of the only life I have.

I have been interested as much as I'm more around upper UK juniors and first year senior side about things more associated with younger children as for example I've always been drive to spin or rattle things such as whizzing tape reels around or enjoying the sound of winding a cassette back with a pencil or impulsively leaping to a rattle.

While I was away a "Baby Gym" with a pretty patterned mat and mobiles that made noises had been set out and I though, "Right, it's a quiet area" and decided to have a bit of a play with it.
It only took a few minutes and I sensed myself shifting to a younger more tactile headspace playing with it so while I may not identify with AB, some things from it could be in my little space needs that benefit from being met.

The other large side to this that for this whole period I am in a setting where my behaviour and attitudes are under the gaze of adults with authority over me and where I know I will be taken to one side and spanked without exception for any breaches of what I know isn't acceptable.

We did have a games morning where in sports kit we played in teams which was rather fun plus jigsaws and models to complete.

I brought my Beano summer special with me rather like I used to on family holidays in the past and a plushie to keep me company.