Being me

Within the world of me there's a place for things to play with from the traditional action centred toy to dolls.

Dolls! I hear you cry. Whaddymean Chris???

There is nothing wrong with me or any boy with dolls of itself at all because dolls are a representation of people in wax, cloth or plastic that we can use for imaginary play exploring situations, feelings or even looks.

Dolls don't have to be just for girls it's simply there have few dolls made specifically for boys that you can dress up or get accessories for so you can engage in boyish play with them excluding military dolls "action figures" in marketing speak such as G.I Joe or Action Man which I enjoyed playing with a lot with all the bits and bobs that went with it including new uniforms to dress them in.

A kind of a doll that isn't girlish or heavens above sissy would be a boy with a variety of different outfits such as school uniform, scout uniform, page boy, soccer strip or mountaineering with things like imitation desks, soccer pitches, cars and so on.

Something you could play exploring the roles of boys with, making adventures that are centred on the lives of 'real boys' in a masculine way.

One day we'll have boys toys that include this. 

Being the adult child

What if we were at a place where we could pick up chalk  and draw on the pavement or playground would we actually do it?
Although at times there is serious discourse on this blog not least around gender and me, the bigger part of what being an adult little boy is really about is not that or spanking but the getting in the time and space of the little boy who is still very much alive and within us who then just comes out as though the intervening years never really existed.
Personally I think I actually would having sometimes done freestyle drawing from my inner boy side so long as the environment around me felt safe, free from ridicule for doing so.
Because when we are in that space, we are back in that time with that little boy out some pretty important things come into play of which the first is we are not using our adult side so our abilities at this point to keep ourselves away from any inappropriate adult attention are diminished.
We have at that point the vulnerabilities of actual children, doubly so for someone like me who even in adult mode has the developmental disabilities that limit certain of my abilities to judge situations to that more akin to actual children.
In such a situation it would be clearly inappropriate for any adult to treat us as anything other than a child and therefore any 'adult acts' should not happen and any bother adults around us need to step in to ensure we are not taken advantage of.  

AT THAT POINT I COULD WRITE "I AM A CHILD" ON SUCH A DRAWING AND FOR THAT MOMENT I WOULD BE IN MY MIND.

Boy chat

This last week was pretty interesting in that I spent time chatting on Friday in a chat room with a mixture of people of both genders on a streaming site owned by a Female "Furry" who as it happened between doing comic also had slots for free art in and to which I had entered into the competition.

You see, they all belong on a big Furry site which as it happens I do have an account in my name (Chris_minor) where I do publish pictures of my colouring and that on plus write a bit of a journal about me.

I had interacted with the odd one but never in real time with a group as talked with them about various things we had in common such as our regressed littleness and it wasn't long before I was explaining what being a adult little boy/ schoolboy was as I see it.

I also explained around how for me it was less "age playing" -a kind of role play but more a matter of coming from my actual regressed emotional age so I have less of a character and more just me younger than my 'bone' age.

The only other place I chatted a lot on was ASB.org but that's been down for a good few weeks now and I quite enjoyed it and coming out as ALB/ASB

People I think get into over thinking around things to do with gender, at least in my experience because we are all male and female, boys and girls and so much of everything else is really about us even if generally speaking their are ideas around what is normal for girl and boys and I know with boys we have a 'code' of sorts.

Thing is we can play three ways, on own own, with own own gender which is our social default or with both as in this picture where we all are and know we are boys and girls but we're playing as friend, sharing in the fun.

It doesn't and should not mean we have lost our gender in the play, it's that the play is the bigger thing.

Because I play with a girl doesn't  mean I become her any more than she becomes me it's that we both know what each other is and stick to what is right for us because we are something.

We ARE gendered. We WANT to be seen as the boy or girl we ARE and there comes a point when ACCEPT OUR GENDER and ACT ACCORDINGLY.

The march toward recovery

This week is one that has seen me start to get back rather more to things before the illness and other related stuff appeared tp take over much of my life and so just over a month on it would make sense to try to get back to where we were.
One form of this is to resume walking the longer route through common land, country lanes and passing fields I did until then which is what I did the other day, taking my time at it as this illness has left me lacking in energy and taking account of my feelings as I proceeded.
One of things I like about this route is once you're out of the built up area, there are a number of points where you can just and just take several minutes thing about things as one thing I have prone to do is not actually process what I actually feel whereas by stopping and putting them into words I do.
It was a beautiful warm summery day with brilliant sunshine, I suppose you could call it the "Indian Summer" sandwiched between this years sweltering July and August and the onset of The Fall. 
I felt quite emotional for being alive and able to enjoy this after what happened that could easily of robbed me of my life
I also reflected on the distance I had come  battling with issues around gender identity and gender roles over the years as I moving into a point of being more secure in myself of what I am, presenting and being interacted with as that male and of being actually gendered even if the odd like may be less than stereotypically boyish.
I just feel several times more confident socially now than I ever did before for just being me.

Rainswept reflections on the week

Good morning as I sit atop of my bed in blue pajamas clutching my Gummi Bear typing this all out at this early hour although I did get a good nights sleep in after checking on ASB and having my supper.

Thursday saw me publish a marathon practically blog like post around boyhood on Tumblr and I know you all think the most activity I might do is run and up down the soccer field wildly but actually I can be - whisper it quietly, academic - so I wrote this post about a quarter of which was personal observation and reflection that ties into how I'm changing for having more having more male input but I digress.

I sorted through my more casual play clothing with us getting toward winter where you may need an extra layer in the form of a jumper or sweatshirt on as some of them were past their best and organized replacements which will be coming soon

The weather it has to be said doesn't really seem to know in what season it really is in as while it isn't the fall, although some leaf coverage is lower than usual nor is the summer with temperatures lower and presently much heavy rain having had to be out in it.

Sometimes people - usually females - say why do you go out this time of year in shorts and long socks rather than longs and for one thing the reason is the rain just runs off my legs so doesn't leave them feeling damp next to my skin and which longs when soaked do.

It's also easier to clean my legs of any marks from damp objects like cars or mud off me plus they are less likely to get on my shorts than on longs the would then need to be washed.

Finally after over a week I have transitioned to masculine peeing conventions totally feeling so much better about myself connected to my maleness in doing so.

I will from now only pee in the manner of boys through my shorts and not in the manner of girls because I belong to and have a gender identity which is masculine because I am a boy and that is the standard for me.

What the ---- happened boys

One thing that doesn’t always happen on Tumblr for all the talk about it being ‘social media’ is actually social activity not least communication between people with people just liking and reblogging posts as is instead.

Thus it’s rare for to have anyone respond meaningfully to what you had posted but one person who I can rely on for doing that is Sammy through which I have gotten to understand more around their feelings around presenting and being a boy.

Sammy had in characteristic directness commented upon a picture that had  showed a 'boy’ who appeared to be wearing very much girls jeans he’d somehow managed to squeeze everything into with hardly a quarter inch to spare and to which was in a more girlish pose. 

Apart from remarking on how long it must of taken to have done that he also posed the question what the _ happened with boys.

Actually I just love it when he just comes out with emotionally honest responses free from any kind of couching in 'cover all bases to avoid any possible offence even when non intended’ talk. You just get straight to the point.

There are a few things around that I get even if I may come at times from a different direction such as when it’s not only possible to get boy jeans but actually they tend to be sought after by girls for being a better fit and having pockets that actually are deep enough to hold things why would any boy, any kind of a boy, actively chose super tight fitting girls ones?

And having done that pose in a very obviously girlish way too? To me looking at that the extent to which there was a 'code’ to which we slotted being a boy in hasn’t just been broke for a while (and there were issues within it  way before) but it has left some boys at least…lost.

Lost is how even from my own background is how I see that picture as if the only way he can see being a cowboy from is that of a more girl trying to be a boy rather than being a boy who is identifying with an actual grown male cowboy. I mean I’d only present that way he did way IF I wanted to BE a girl with all that goes with it.

As alluded to earlier on, I think part of the issue was that 'code’ had its own issues such as not being a complete picture of what being masculine meant so while we heard much about integrity, loyalty, protecting others and athletic prowess which are good things for boys it didn’t cover things such as empathy, recognizing and taking responsibility for your emotions knowing when ask for help and when you can deal with them yourself. It also tended to regard an interest in aesthetics and appearance as 'suspect’ that crossed at times a line into homophobic and other less than 100% gender conforming boys abuse.


Toss in powerful women making the most of equal opportunities taking roles previously held by men and men disappearing from boys lives sometimes literally sometimes just men as food providers and allowance givers rather than being central to the lives focused on the business of raising boys in an hands on way providing guidance then it’s not so surprising some boys lost their way not knowing what being a boy meant, carrying that socially.


That’s something I can relate to and while I’m sure at times you feel your own approach to communicating can seem unappreciated  like a voice in the wilderness, actually what you talk about can be of great value because it gets you to think more around what being a boy is actually about.


Going back to that cowboy picture, you reposted another very different image with a terrific commentary yesterday where the boy in question was very much presenting in  confident attractive and yes a masculine way. It was reblogged with that intact for a reason, it’s a page both of us have arrived at in considering what a boy can be with a kind of masculinity that’s complete meeting the needs of the whole boy AND without any femininity.


Your passion for the traditional boy nay the 'real boy’ you grew up with, the way in which you show those values have helped in causing me to reassess how the at times troubled understanding of what being that boy is. 


Your clear cut support of masculinity and how that is central to making the most of being a boy has encouraged me to move toward being acting more in line with its spirit not by aping you but by looking for and at that which is within me. 
That masculinity is one that meets my whole needs and yet be well within and inclusive of that traditional code whose odd issues apart did meet the real needs of real boys with spirit and gumption as well as feelings and a sense of purpose.


“What the _ happened with boys?” Well, by being around and talking about this, you have moved me along a path to one of finding a sense of being and inner happiness from being a masculine boy secure in what he is and feeling valued for the one he is becoming. There is nothing greater you could give this boy but to be his true self. 

Maybe more boys need that kind of input and straight talk?

*Originally published on Tumble Aug 23 2018

Progress for the New Term

This whole things seems to have a life of its very own as areas of my life are starting to change rapidly some parts even being literally binned away because of a considerable amount confusion and misunderstanding around who I am and from that my life's direction.

Life for a variety of reasons such as my disabilities, a odd style of parenting that was low on input but high on analysis having its own ideas about defining which boxes I should be in and some issues around gender identification and roles all featured in it

Thus you could fairly describe me as being troubled but more from a troubled childhood raising rather more and that is some of the things I am working through and in the past their have been more enlightened people who saw me as what I am a - a role seeking missile needing attention and tuition - and how did make more of a impact for the better in my life.

In so many ways that boy by the car is 'as old' as I get and sometimes less but for some of problems I have had with gender identities and roles is very much who I am and for the extent to to which I may be at variance help in finding a balance between some of them and the need to 'be' the boy you are in your social setting was more what I needed.

That is a big area I am working on now as some of the confused approaches ultimately didn't work for me and give me no proper sense of gender identity leaving me lost.

The irony was my junior teachers could and did work in their own ways on it so at least I had an identity in the front of my peers helping me to feel good about being a boy - my own sense of boyhood.

Pix credit: Neil Godfrey (born 1937) Resting Dancer, 1987

Bottom lineis devoid of any clothing  I am just like any other male so I am making more of an attempt to find ways of fitting more around this, to be more socially male, while finding the spaces for those things that don't slot so well in that causes the least issues to what actually matters - being one of the boys.  

One area where a combination of disabilities plus a failure to teach social skills was was in toilet training and where now I have learned to pee standing up keeping my shorts and underpants on like every other boy and man which will help with fitting in with male social norms and help me feel more like a boy.

Where there is little benefit to me, some aspects that crept into how I lived are just being discarded wholesale which after these years is almost like discarding a crutch you learned to live with but in reality this is so much better even if you feel emotional taking that step.

Learning to change, to grow up a bit more and to integrate more into the world of boys and men are what I need