Some thoughts on me and this blog

Somethings do not remain the same either because they move away from you or you yourself on this road start to move on in your understanding of how this life and the stuff around you talk about changes.

Thus this blog has had a few changes although thanks to changes in the years with bloggers Theme Designer some elements of the graphic design can't be altered without remove much of what does work and much of that reflects the way I see myself.

I dislike with a passion alphabet soups of acronyms and frequent changes of terminology but as I explained last week Age Dysphoric and Age Dysphoria are better descriptors for what I am and what I feel and so a few bits of this blog have been rewritten to use those more accurate terms.

Being so-called "Normal" or at least masking it was heavily pushed by 'professionals', school and at the time embarrassed parents as they were into the Medical Model of Disability seeing me not just physically but developmentally in need of 'fixing' but my true nature always would surface apart from the vulnerabilities of having a child-like outlook in a hands off adult environment never quite seeing what was going on until it was too late.

It dawned on me that actually I could never be "normal" and it was more important to learn to accept me as I was, no longer feeling ashamed of being an 'eternal child' only dealing with anything adult that I could manage for myself, accepting my limits.

Rather than masking in effect that "eternal child" I accepted it working as best I could on being independent as that child of adult legal age and recognizing that societies problems with being who I am are theirs and certainly not mine.

I'd say embrace yourself as you are and work on being the best you you can be.

Sometimes you do encounter people who feel you need to be fixed, advocating programs to eliminate this whole side of you because this difference can cause issues but really that cannot change you and effectively are saying the only cure for other people to intimidating and bullying you  is you to become them.

I personally don't subscribe to the view that any one person is an expert in this life, never mind its leader so take a more allowing an individual to explore for themselves finding what works for how age dysphoria affects them rather than pushing an one size fits all agenda.

Birthdays and why I have age dysphoria

There's a part of me that doesn't care much for 'alphabet soup' initials and labels not least because meanings change over time and you have the whole business of other people forming mythunderstandings about it and pressure not to use it least they get the wrong idea.

This weekend past was my birthday more of which will be on the other blogs but it brings much of this into focus because my birthday is not a birthday of an adult with anything specifically adult in it and for a period did cause me a sense of dysphoria between how I look and present and how people treat me on the basis of chronological age.

That over time has changed as people have been educated in a low key way not to expect to see me as in that way like them, and from that to start to buy or at least enable me to buy the presents of a boy instead because that is how I permanently, am seeing me with them whenever they visit me.

This is nothing (for me) about Dominant/submissive lifestyles such as DD/lb or DM/lb so the past lexicon for me has been "Age Regressor" although it's less a going back to an age with me so much as being already being it.

If the company is accepting and respectful of that difference, not pushing me towards things I'm not into then I'm happy to share spaces and I've used Age regression as a term in absence of anything better which is accepted.

Littles communities often are accepting of us.

This year while I've always been in some form of school uniform even out celebrating my birthday with my folks, I wore the shortest grey shorts I did so I looked just as I did as a nine or ten year old me did and looking in the mirror it looked like a deadringer for that era.

In that era one present was an Action Man.

This year the main present was... the very same action man of the era I had being played with by what in the mirror looked like a ten year old Christopher.

This is part of what is at the root of the terminology debate because in general age regression is used more as the going to better period in a persons life as coping mechanism for stress, trauma and so which is fine and much needed but for a person like me really it is more that my development is 'stunted' even to the point we may no be fully able to function due to developmental disabilities.

Because a person may regress doesn't mean they may experience dysphoria around it but more that for some of us we are children of adult chronological age and we often are judged badly by others on just being as we are. We never really grew up and need a term that respects that.

This adult child is a functional ten year old who wears what he did as a ten year of his era and has the life more of one although the technology of today is different to then and has age dysphoria compared to the baseline of a grown adult of the same chronological age.

My chronological age may be the same as someone elses but we very different and that was why my birthday was so different. Medically and psychologically we need a term for just us.  

Resting but relieved

 

I'm kind of resting this week after going for my vaccination on Saturday early evening as unfortunately there were no slots for my GP practise at the mass vaccination centre locally during the weekdays.

I went in GSS and Grey with blue striped Turn Over Top socks cos I'm me, LB and that's all there is to it.

It was extremely busy although very well organized with loads of people in and a few waiting outside for the almost obligatory hand sanitizing and  taking of your details before you are given your card ready to proceed to the next free vaccination station.

There they check your allergies, if you've had a covid test recently, had a fever and so on before delivering the vaccination into the top of your arm.

Because of the type of vaccine I was given, I had to wait for fifteen minutes in case of any immediate reactions (super rare but can happen) before going home.

You do have a information pack that tells you a lot about the vaccine, known very short term side effects and what to do in the unlikely event experience anything unlisted or running for longer.

The A to Z of my staying with you

 

This week is shaping up to be a warm, pleasant week which given how the last few weeks have been here is no bad thing for being out as between sub zero temperatures and gusting winds it was hardly pleasant.

With the "Lockdown Roadmap" published  my mind and I suspect most peoples is focused on getting out and going away which I haven't been able to do for nearly a year with this covid-19.

When it comes to going away things are always different with me compared to most in that in the first instance whoever I stay with assumes some responsibility for me because of the limits on my abilities not just physically but also when it comes to my abilities to exercise responsibility and make quick judgments.

In a good many respects I have the position and all the authority of a ten year old boy staying with relatives because while I do have a say, the higher level decisions are made for me and I am subject to house rules in a direct way.

This is for a number of reasons such as I struggle with options, often getting confused around implications and consequences to the point of just freezing over, often I require supervision to make sure breaks and get to bed at a reasonable time so I have a no later than bedtime and can be sent to bed if I'm tired.

I do wear uniform when I am with them at all times except if we're going in a place where regular folk congregate such shops and the like.

That it ties in with my little/middle side and its needs helps to keep some inner tensions down between trying impersonate a grown up and in many ways the lack of such a side in me which just added to the difficulties following higher level discussion of the sort you expect of adults.

It is also helping me more deal with my emotions, sorting some of my attitudes out which people just faced with a potential meltdown in adult company didn't deal with.

On hols

While talk is very much of summer hols and indeed this very week I was supposed to had been away myself I'm looking a bit at boyhood holidays.

To me wherever we went often Mid or North Wales being very convenient from the West Midlands it was rather less about the weather although often it was more than good enough accepting here in the UK guaranteed sunshine isn't realistic but more about just leaving the everyday things behind.

We literally created whole new worlds out of sandcastles with moats having adventures with other boys making and then creating stories we acted out through play as we jettisoned past worries and problems.

We tried different things like crazy golf, chasing each other in dodgem cars in the amusement arcades, experimented with new interests such as fishing (although I was hopeless as casting a line!) finding pleasure in that week or so that would last ages afterwards.

There was a innocence play we loved and to be honest when all this stuff is over with that's what I want to be reconnecting with with no adult justifications to being away.

Just a week of boyish play.  

Boys lego talk

Good morning from the perishing scene as temperatures went below minus two degrees while this entry was being typed up.

This place has always been about and for just us - B.O.Y.S. - and nobody else to be ourselves, talking only about what matters and is of interest to us.

There's no need to make everything 'girl friendly' and they're the first to 'demand' own spaces so let's just keep ours for us.

It's a lot more realistic and more enjoyable.

Given the weather has been enough to freeze brass monkeys off I spent a bit more time indoors this week  playing with my Action Man and my lego.

I was at one site where a few people did talk about making things from lego and one was making the themed kits and the Lego Friends more girl friendly range seems to amount for more girls play and more pink bricks involved.

Okay, given this person was a (adult) little girl I kind of get why you might go for that but it's a bit restricting compared with the traditional "Classic" range which never set any limits on what you could make.

In the light of that why did they feel the need to introduce pink bricks into the classic range as a standard at the expense of more traditional colours if they honestly felt girls didn't want the lego we played with and to whom our sisters and cousins would borrow?

To me that's a no-win, girls get pushed down a pink gender stereotype while we have something that's a bit less use to us and honestly most boys wouldn't wish for pink in their toys.

Personally I'd sooner so more white and light brown house brick shade colour bricks in the sets as they are of more use.

Staying fit

I was not well across the end of last week and into the weekend which was unfortunate but given I'm prone to severe migraines often there is little you can do other than just taking the tablets, staying in bed with the curtains drawn and avoiding anything like computers or flickering lights as they make things much worse for you.

 

One of things I loved about lockdown as much as I'd sooner it wasn't necessary has been to see boys about playing, exploring and generally having fun together.

This morning I saw one lad about ten going on a circuit run several times with the temperature at zero degrees c with his football top which was long sleeved , shorts and long socks on while I was out exploring myself.

Now to actually do this requires a certain amount of self discipline on his part as it would be easy to stay in and do his studying completely indoors but he knows exercise is what he needs in his life and is getting on with it.

This is the thing in much the same way that while I can't easily run I also do undertake physical activity out of doors.

We're both boys who know what is good for us and get on with it.

I'll just mention on here that I'm sorry to hear of Captain Tom Moore's passing yesterday after catching pneumonia and covid.

An amazing life from being in the services, owning a concrete company and raising £31 million for NHS charities last year apart from badly boosting moral, he will be missed.

R.I.P Captain Tom.