Being me

Within the world of me there's a place for things to play with from the traditional action centred toy to dolls.

Dolls! I hear you cry. Whaddymean Chris???

There is nothing wrong with me or any boy with dolls of itself at all because dolls are a representation of people in wax, cloth or plastic that we can use for imaginary play exploring situations, feelings or even looks.

Dolls don't have to be just for girls it's simply there have few dolls made specifically for boys that you can dress up or get accessories for so you can engage in boyish play with them excluding military dolls "action figures" in marketing speak such as G.I Joe or Action Man which I enjoyed playing with a lot with all the bits and bobs that went with it including new uniforms to dress them in.

A kind of a doll that isn't girlish or heavens above sissy would be a boy with a variety of different outfits such as school uniform, scout uniform, page boy, soccer strip or mountaineering with things like imitation desks, soccer pitches, cars and so on.

Something you could play exploring the roles of boys with, making adventures that are centred on the lives of 'real boys' in a masculine way.

One day we'll have boys toys that include this. 

Being the adult child

What if we were at a place where we could pick up chalk  and draw on the pavement or playground would we actually do it?
Although at times there is serious discourse on this blog not least around gender and me, the bigger part of what being an adult little boy is really about is not that or spanking but the getting in the time and space of the little boy who is still very much alive and within us who then just comes out as though the intervening years never really existed.
Personally I think I actually would having sometimes done freestyle drawing from my inner boy side so long as the environment around me felt safe, free from ridicule for doing so.
Because when we are in that space, we are back in that time with that little boy out some pretty important things come into play of which the first is we are not using our adult side so our abilities at this point to keep ourselves away from any inappropriate adult attention are diminished.
We have at that point the vulnerabilities of actual children, doubly so for someone like me who even in adult mode has the developmental disabilities that limit certain of my abilities to judge situations to that more akin to actual children.
In such a situation it would be clearly inappropriate for any adult to treat us as anything other than a child and therefore any 'adult acts' should not happen and any bother adults around us need to step in to ensure we are not taken advantage of.  

AT THAT POINT I COULD WRITE "I AM A CHILD" ON SUCH A DRAWING AND FOR THAT MOMENT I WOULD BE IN MY MIND.

Boy chat

This last week was pretty interesting in that I spent time chatting on Friday in a chat room with a mixture of people of both genders on a streaming site owned by a Female "Furry" who as it happened between doing comic also had slots for free art in and to which I had entered into the competition.

You see, they all belong on a big Furry site which as it happens I do have an account in my name (Chris_minor) where I do publish pictures of my colouring and that on plus write a bit of a journal about me.

I had interacted with the odd one but never in real time with a group as talked with them about various things we had in common such as our regressed littleness and it wasn't long before I was explaining what being a adult little boy/ schoolboy was as I see it.

I also explained around how for me it was less "age playing" -a kind of role play but more a matter of coming from my actual regressed emotional age so I have less of a character and more just me younger than my 'bone' age.

The only other place I chatted a lot on was ASB.org but that's been down for a good few weeks now and I quite enjoyed it and coming out as ALB/ASB

People I think get into over thinking around things to do with gender, at least in my experience because we are all male and female, boys and girls and so much of everything else is really about us even if generally speaking their are ideas around what is normal for girl and boys and I know with boys we have a 'code' of sorts.

Thing is we can play three ways, on own own, with own own gender which is our social default or with both as in this picture where we all are and know we are boys and girls but we're playing as friend, sharing in the fun.

It doesn't and should not mean we have lost our gender in the play, it's that the play is the bigger thing.

Because I play with a girl doesn't  mean I become her any more than she becomes me it's that we both know what each other is and stick to what is right for us because we are something.

We ARE gendered. We WANT to be seen as the boy or girl we ARE and there comes a point when ACCEPT OUR GENDER and ACT ACCORDINGLY.

The march toward recovery

This week is one that has seen me start to get back rather more to things before the illness and other related stuff appeared tp take over much of my life and so just over a month on it would make sense to try to get back to where we were.
One form of this is to resume walking the longer route through common land, country lanes and passing fields I did until then which is what I did the other day, taking my time at it as this illness has left me lacking in energy and taking account of my feelings as I proceeded.
One of things I like about this route is once you're out of the built up area, there are a number of points where you can just and just take several minutes thing about things as one thing I have prone to do is not actually process what I actually feel whereas by stopping and putting them into words I do.
It was a beautiful warm summery day with brilliant sunshine, I suppose you could call it the "Indian Summer" sandwiched between this years sweltering July and August and the onset of The Fall. 
I felt quite emotional for being alive and able to enjoy this after what happened that could easily of robbed me of my life
I also reflected on the distance I had come  battling with issues around gender identity and gender roles over the years as I moving into a point of being more secure in myself of what I am, presenting and being interacted with as that male and of being actually gendered even if the odd like may be less than stereotypically boyish.
I just feel several times more confident socially now than I ever did before for just being me.