I believe in me

Sometimes however long it all comes together.

I was so frightened
I almost ran away
I didn't know that I could do
Anything I needed to
And then a bolt of lightning
Hit me on my head
Then I began to see
I just needed to believe in me

Now I, I believe in me
And I, I believe in something more
Than you can understand
Yes, I believe in me

They said I didn't stand a chance
i wouldn't win no way
But I've got news for you
There's nothing I can't do
Ain't no pretending
Ain't no make believe
But I've got to be the one
I gotta do what must be done

I believe in me
Yes, I believe in me - yeah

I don't need no money
I don't need no fame... No
I just need to believe in me
And I know most definitely
Don't need to get wasted
It only holds me down
I just need a will of my own
And the balls to stand alone

The lyrics to the Kiss song "I" from their much maligned "Music from The Elder" album always had a resonance with me and of late certainly during the period of this blogs evolution more so.
In the time since I started this blog and started to spend more time engaging directly with the adult school boy community I have started to  regain my confidence from the last time I had anything to being a school boy and having had gender related issues being able to take my place alongside them as one.
I have learned to stand up for myself in front them as a boy with no ifs, buts or maybes connecting directly to their own boyishness.
I have found the balls to be myself, to assert my masculinity, feeling it running through my body taking a pride in it and my male physique.

Misunderstandings

While I have been following the World Cup seeing Russia and last night Belgium crash out of their Semi Final to France by a goal and had a laugh with Zee Zee as he emulates England Manager Gareth Southgate threatening to done his infamous waistcoat other things are on my mind.

In the last twenty-four hours I have seen three Tumblrs I follow just deactivated by Tumblr without any kind of a warning whatsoever  and in the instance of Ady it was there when I was up at half five this morning but gone by seven.

There can be reasons for Tumblrs going usually with warnings first of which the most common tends to be breaching the copyright of an image holder three times within a month which is connected with U.S. DMCA legislation although it doesn't specifically call for it.

It isn't helped by counter intuitively not messaging the user on site but sending emails it expects you to be looking out for.

The other area is reporting and sometimes yes it is necessary such as for images of child abuse and so on but when Tumblr does next to nothing about adult on adult pornography and innocent blogs that may be about the act of going back in time as if you were a child that may contain fully decent images of actual childhood just go because someone somewhere has got it in their head age regression IS age play, which is "adult" being an extension of bdsm kinks and Tumblr prefers just to react not caring to investigate if it really is It annoys me.

The reason being actual age dysphoria is just being permanently in the  mindset of an actual child playing from your child-like emotions and feelings as they just come out naturally with no element of playing a role which may have a sexual side in (for example a "Baby girl" in a Dominant Daddy/little girl relationship).

Sadly too many in that community feel their is the only one for adults, regard all else as being only for children and treat anyone different as potential perverts and I suspect this is what has happened.

We are adult but child boys living a age dysphoric life that doesn't involve actual minors that's all.

Thoughts from reading and footy

This week I'm talking about a number of this connected broadly around what I've been doing and how that influences what I'm feeling
 I do that reading thing though like most boys I'm a reluctant reader although one that made an impression on me was "The Silver Sword" as well as Rudyard Kipling's "Kim".
That that not so surprising as most of male teachers were more for boys own stories of daring-do with lashings of courage, adventure and determination so given they got us at least reading probably meant they were on the right lines, knowing what appealed to us rather than what some thing we ought to like.
I've just one more chapter to read in Jennings Finds a Clue and that'll be it, having re-read this classic tale of boys making 1+2 into 5 reading things into deductions there's no rational basis for and getting into trouble aided by being economical with the truth which I dare say we're all prone to.
Certainly we had much fun at my school from this and we all laughed at the boy who got caught out with his thoughts getting somewhat carried away with him as much as they did of yours which I think was healthier letting out such errors openly and learning from them together as a group.
I think it's kinda important to take ownership of what you do.
Getting back to this world cup,what a shocker,eh? Fancy Russia beating Spain and Denmark beating Croatia yesterday never mind the response of the Russian Fans which we didn't really expect.
England actually managing to win a penalty shoot out to enter the quarter finals too!!!
This World Cup sure is shaping up into a most unpredictable one as we get into the Quarter finals as we have the following:
Uruguay vs France, Russia vs Croatia with Sweden vs England and Brazil vs Belguim to be played in a few days time although obviously I'll be routing for England here so fingers crossed.
I've had my coloring book out, the one I wrote about coloring in Martians and Dragons this weekend between things and I plan to do some more today as it so hot here, hot enough to play with water pistols getting soaked which is my idea of fun as anything that involves balls and mud.

England wins

That's it then, Argentina's on the way out most probably after losing to Croatia 3-0 in Group D and things are starting to shape up within the World Cup as I'm slowly recovering here with plenty of lucozade and lozengers plus a plushy to hug.
The pencil sharpener, a big oval shaped thing with a slot for gripping to death pencils with a handle you wound clockwise affixed to a desk is one memory with me from school as I'd either stand or park myself in the wheelchair by it to sharpen them usually for things like art or maps in history or geography but you may have a use for them now.
One thing I still enjoy is coloring in pictures, no not girlie pictures, but things with more vroom vroom vroom in bright bold colors an that's what I'm write about this week as I had a new book of them to do.
6-1, 6-1, 6-1! What a fantastic result for England beating Panama so convincingly, so fantastic I almost fall over jumping up and down in my white shorts waving the flag in front of the television mind you I do feel sorry for the Poles as their team appears to be out of competition losing 3 goals to nil against Columbia, ironically Panama's near neighbour.
Japan seems safe with the day having been saved by Honda in a 2-2 draw against Senegal.
It's officially true - I'm a footy mad schoolboy!!!
I had started to re read Jennings Finds a Clue on Friday but with a bad migraine that didn't shift until yesterday I had to pause that which is a pity cos while I'm not big on reading Jennings was one my favourites being a both a complete series and one based at a Prep school for boys which is nice cos I like more boys own stuff me and Jennings in the series is more my age and the teachers manner of expressing themselves was very much like my own. I'd like to go to a school like that again as it's so me!

The roaring obsession with the World Cup

Hi. This very morning as I go toward my closet getting my old school uniform on fairly neatly although whither or not it stays like that depends on if I have a kick about this morning in the park or not as I'm super excited about this world cup in way that I haven't felt for a long time.
At least this time they're just far enough head of us here in Great Britain to see it live before bedtime without messing meal times up too much as I much prefer to eat from a table even if it is I'm more interested in what the striker is doing than my lamb chop!
I guess it all goes back to the days of Roy of the Rovers and Billy's Boots that made a big difference whenever he played with them on playing for Melchester Rovers which was so magical.
I can't wait to play with Zee Zee at Fur Affinity
Plus I'm all fired up after the Russia vs Saudi Arabia match where the Russians scored a FIVE goals to zero win. Goodness what a result and no doubt an embarrassment to the Saudi leader who was talking to the Russian President Mr. Putin at the time watching.
Still we do have the England match to look forward to although sometimes to me it seems more like a case of hope over reality as it's been positively ages since they won anything or even got as far as the quarter finals.
I did enjoy Robbie Williams's performance at the opening of the games and he's pretty good with a pair of footy boots on two having seen him play with friends for various charity soccer matches.
Cor, Germany beaten by Mexico after all. Love a duck! You'd of thought they could of put on a more inspiring performance but no so I wouldn't be surprised if they crashed out of the competition but as today sees England playing who knows as they tend to come in with high hopes only to be dashed.
I mean, I'd like to see a British team actually win I'm just not feeling very hopeful about it but don't expect me to be wildly cheering as I've lost my voice in an attempt to make myself heard on Saturday and it hasn't fully come back a yet which is annoying me to be honest cos I'm a chatterbox really, tryin' to sort everything and everybody out although the knock on door is me new smart boys own shoes cos my old pair started falling apart at the seems an that's no good when I want to be smart.It's sad when you can't cheer on England as much as I was jumping up and down in my white footy shorts Monday night high on pop waving a flag but that's how it is with me at the moment although I can talk some and actually I'm just sucking a lozenger thingy as I type this.
Japan did great too yesterday beating Columbia 2-1 in what was a a pretty exciting match which I watched just after dinner time between talking to some other adult boys like me about various things cos I'm more interest in who they are and what they do than just "What are you wearing today?" I'd like to play with them armed with a bright yellow JCB toy truck crawling across the carpet going "Zoom" and making all sorts of sounds if not just play fighting with them.
I also tidied away all my favorite Jennings books, they're like hardbacked with all color dust jackets on that I had in Juniors and High School putting them away neatly in a shoe box in two piles one atop of the other. I'd sooner use the bookcase but the grown ups in my life have taken it over with books that haven't moved in decades, like if a cutting of Princess Anne's wedding fell out of one it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest.
I did run about a bit kicking a ball to which is great as I really benefit from being active as it seems to turn me on focusing better almost as if the on button has been pressed.

The recollections of youth

I was going to write something yesterday but I fell asleep and only just remembered which is so me you wouldn't believe it but I can remember playing in junior football usually in defense trying to stay warm in my red football jersey with white cuffs and shorts in day football shorts were short not at as long as Bermuda shorts trying not to be distracted by the Jefferies furniture truck going on the road next to our school playing field which wasn't that big being hemmed in by houses.

If you hadn't moved for more than a few minutes you'd be yelled at by the team captain never mind if you somehow missed the other teams ball as it landed right in the corner of your goal mouth to the delight of that team and disgust of your own who you knew would talk about it for days later with younger boys coming up to you and saying "Did you really let that goal in?".

Schoolboy football who can ever forget it?

There are things that helped shape who I am and critically how I cope with my disabilities as if it's true you never had a book to help navigate life it's more true that navigating and having a childhood being severely disabled is not something you have help with as your experiences often are reduced because you can't get about or you need help that's not always around.

Play and pets

I actually write a blog when I have a spare moment about me and my life as an adult little boy that's been going on since August of last year cos it helps me gather my thoughts all together and write accounts of things in my past while I still can remember them so it is like a very personal blog.
Unlike with adult little girls there's not really any spaces out their for us to just talk away about our lives, horse around with each other like we did as kids and talk about the kind of clothes we like to wear in our regressed lives and we're certainly not sissies although I not mean them any harms.
That's why you need some kind of outlet but a lot of people who offer free websites put this as 'adult content' and just blanket prohibit it tossing it in with 'top shelf' magazines and the like.
My relationship with dogs is a difficult one because when I was very young our dog went a bit off and trapped mommy in the kitchen gnashing its teeth and several dogs tried to attack me when I was just in juniors like somehow they just seemed to follow me from nowhere so I find dogs a bit scary.
It's not that I know some dogs and many owners are nice, it's like when I see them especially barking and jumping it all brings it flooding back to me like a movie being reshown.
I love birds having visited many aviaries when I was younger with all the birds flying around me the members of the parrot family in particular having my picture taken with them at the time and for a period had a cockatiel that lived in big cage suspended on a hook in the front room where he'd squawk , flutter his wings and repeat various words and phrases although he nearly landed on the tv repair man as having checked with him if he could work around the bird almost knocked the cage down. He also was responsible for damaging a video recorder as his seeds prevented the tape auto stop from working when recording so keep on doing it until the tape and machine broked!!!

Cat's though were and are my first love from our first Siamese cat onward though.