Reflections on past incidents

This week I've been reminded of some of the distance I've travelled following the start of this blog and a number of events in my life that were very traumatic for me following my second best friends feeling overwhelmed by people demand their services for free just cos she's popular.

Much of that reminding came through recall of the incidents in trying to explain something however imperfectly about what I learned from them that helped me move past that may be of some use or comfort that even thinking about upset me.

Some of my thoughts and my problems around those events were that I never really processed them emotionally so much as attempted to stick them in the (emotional) trash can so they were hanging around and finding myself by accident processing them this week helped in drawing a line under what had happened.

I saw a site that had go in for some really heavyweight verbal abuse and liable at that time have people post on it this week that actually they never had an issue with me and some saying they didn't understand why it had all started in the first place when at the time it had left me feeling very frightened, vulnerable and even wanting to take my life.

I remembered all too well the nervous breakdown from 2006/7 when I had a very important community role with financial and other responsibilities where it was I was being left with essential tasks others with greater abilities  and non of my 'adult' functioning problems while willing left me alone to deal with them and a public who expected way too much.

Autism is very much like that when it comes to just how people treat some of us, damned if we do, damned if we don't, they tell us they aren't mind readers but they also don't want to be told cos they feel that's patronizing.

With regret I came to the conclusion problem was non-austic peoples presumption in favour of their own ideas not wishing to be open others and recognizing they themselves often mix-message which makes it hard to know just what they are thinking.

That was the moment I had to ungrow up and acknowledge a painful truth, that the era of pretend and masking needed to stop because functionally I was at the level and abilities of a child and simply could not cope with the sort of adult responsibilities such roles expected of me.

As  one employed person of said organization whose name I won't mention on the internet said "I really had to shield and protect him (me) from what he was expected to do and cope  with".

I left them with a excellent testimonial thanks to that person for what I had managed to do and started to work on rebuilding the links to my Inner Child and in time letting her out, feeling more at ease of being the chronological adult who is child in all other respects with same needs and interests.

I moved forward in my life by embracing and moving back to the past - my past and being the child I am.

Uniforms

Source: albert prendergast ltd.

Sometimes it seems as much as the modernists argue against the whole concept of uniform, the fundamentals of how a school uniform can look good on your do show though such as short trousers and the V neck sweater revealing your tie.

While it is a pity turn over socks with coloured bands can be hard to find when  they match it is just amazing so are something I like to be put in to although many still hold to lace up shoes.

It is more possible to get a exact fit through lace tying than velcro having had both but for me the ability to fasten velcro myself is more of aid enabling greater indepedence of the sort where you can just "go out and play" without having to find someone to fasten your laces.

These days you can get footy boots that don't need tying too which would of helped no end back in the day.

 
Face it: You look smart in it, one reason I preferred the schools I attended that had them as somehow casual is seldom worn with any real sense of style.

Thoughts on recovery

I wasn't too great on Friday so it is a bit of a catch up session as I type this and the other blogs out this weekend.

At one level that is easier than it use to be for being out of the workforce with it's routine of phoning in sick, arranging a return day and the meeting with a supervisor to start your return gradually only to find that work has built up over that period.

It tended to be 50/50 if your colleagues worked with you to get through it or if they felt having come back you could jolly well sort it yourself. 

These days you'll most probably seen me at home more like this sprawled across a chair or sofa, on tablets and pretty much out of it looking every inch a traditional school boy with his seventiestastic short short trousers minus much of the adult say and responsibilities, being cared for in exchange for doing what he's told.

The come down has been overall better for me because I can manage situations better for being treated as a boy feeling less of a hindrance going through meeting cycles every three weeks apart from having less on my mind so I am less likely to develop sessions where I may be ill for a week or so.

Not being seen as fully adult also means both I don't get "dumped" on emotionally nor expected to do things which are problematic for me but receive more the guidance and support of a boy in the community.  I know they are there for me.

I'm comfortable with this exchange.

Of Tumblr and stuff

 There are a couple of topics I feel like addressing this week.

The first being the olderboygreyshorts3 tumblr was started a fair while back but it has a number of inherent issues that make blogging on it difficult, nearly all going back to this sites actions with the account.

In short order they are:

Inability to post on the main Tumblr with statement invalid tumblrlog showing even though there are three posts on it and I can alter the avatar.

Inability to delete the main and with it the account to restart.

Limited functions on the usable secondary Tumblrs that doesn’t include being able to like from it, like I’d rather of had this as my main which would of made more sense.

Because of  the first, it is difficult to block posts on the secondaries using the normal techniques  so you have to manually copy and paste details to the blocklist. That is tedious.

Because of this and the content is duplicated on pasttimesforever10 with more followers on a separate account I plan to discontinue this Tumblr by next weekend.

Thus this weeks posts will be the winding down ones before it is paused.

The second is post two of what I call reference photographs by which I mean pictures that do encapsulate how mentally I see me which is more problematic on Tumblr (and why we have blogs!).

I saw this which was "conversion" from long trousers on a blog but was not to happy with how they had got the colours so redid it so in a way it's my edit of an edit.

This is the closest yet to how I see the schoolboy side of me with a boy looking more around the eleven mark but as we all know some boys always looked older and others younger for being around the same age.

It's the look I emulate.

The other is the Cub me, around 10 so heading towards being moved up to Scouts but enjoying his remaining time, exercising responsibility in looking after the younger members, helping Akela out feeling confident, loving an adventure.

This how the LB side of is more at.