This week I've been dealing with things from the past that required me to make some clear cut decisions over because the 'malaise' I had been suffering from for a number of years had left some unresolved issues.
One was I had at one point been pushed toward more feminine gender expression by people who believed some of my rootlessness was routed having some interests that were more common in females and encouraged me to be more feminine.
That had included having a notebook that went back several years where I was to document all of this but in the last two years I had began to realize this wasn't really helping because I never had a desire to be female being quite happy being a male and in doing so actually by taking me away from what I was more comfortable with, it was leaving me more in gender limbo.
Far from being misassigned at birth to use the current trans phrase upon coming out of the womb I had been sexed correctly for the penis and testicles I entered the world with.
Whenever I was called a he, a him a boy, a male or man I was not being misgendered, I was being sexed correctly by society because I wasn't born in the wrong body as some had tried to get me to accept but born already in my true body and they were affirming it.
Sometimes you may wonder if it's more like making a whole new persona to have a restart when you can only change the external appearance within limits and not really the biology or true sex.
The period I spent in specifically ASB/ASG regression back in a all male gender group had enabled me to strip back a lot of those false assumptions as I explored more of my past and moreover had shown I was increasingly more confident just being a masculine boy even with the odd different interest accepting the rough and tumble world of masculine boys.
I had parked it for quite a period, not knowing really what to do with it but after several months where I'd only glimpsed at it once a month and after talking with Edward about how I had been feeling not least how I felt seeing such content, I decided to ditch it completely.
From around the same era I had an account at a music forum which under the same influence had a more feminine feel to it either though technically it was gender neutral on that tick box that was troubling me to the point I was reluctant to post often on it because I felt that person wasn't really me.
I decided to give it a male makeover starting by marking myself down as a male once and for all, changing the obviously girlie avatar for that of a boy, putting "Just A Boy" in the custom title box and re-writing the about bit to make an oblique reference to living in ALB/ASG life with a picture of boys playing with Meccano.
In the week that I have been wearing sports tops and shorts out looking every inch the boy I am and obviously male, I decided to honour my gender by ditching something it simply wasn't and openly acknowledging on one account what I am.
Regendering therapy for me is the best thing that has happened, reconnecting my feelings, emotions and sense of self to my innate masculinity that has room for my needs.
I am no longer prepared to deny, hide or draw a veil over my real gender but will assert it from now on.
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