Pictures and reflections

As I type this I'm not feeling too great really best described as a gluey inflated head that feels that pressurized it's about to burst and "funny" tasting mouth.

I've a fair idea of what sort of thing this is so it's going to be topping up the anti oxidants, vitamins and isolate for a period until it's gone.

There are a number of things to talk about this week, one of which is really around photograph usage at our forum which sometimes brings issues either of someone being more into one detail in the picture - let's say school uniform - that they ignore context which might be corporal punishment which as many of our behinds know was very much alive and well in our day is something that not just being banned in schools today often is seen as child unfriendly by hosts (and potentially abuse).

The other is more the deligent sort of person who wishes to know "where the land lies", issues around copyright, control of images where schools and others may say "only for our site and nowhere else" and so on.

We've put up pinned thread to cover that which should help.

When it comes to my blogs generally I keep with respecting an organizations wishes and provided the content isn't  problematic then I use things that are public domain although that doesn't guarantee you may hear someone may say "but that's our picture, take it down" or mean an image may of been obtained through harrassment and for some things text may be included for context when it comes to looking at parts of past school life and an illustration may help.

That usually works here.

The other is as the days get shorter and you start to notice autumn is creeping in with its soft sunlight and colourful displays being about, your mind goes back to when you climbed trees and collected your Horse Chestnuts for soaking in vinagar for playing Conkers with your mates.

You look at that reflection, it may be a shadow on the grass or especially a reflection in window you are passing and you wonder "Who's that boy?" then you realize actually it is you.

In your shortened grey short trousers and given the rain the last few days your red waterproof coat the past is the present at least mentally even if it is 2023 rather than 1973 with mind and presentation as one.

To go from eleven inside legs that on me were just on the upper third of the knee standing tall to three, decent and an absolute deadringer for exposing as much as was back in the seventies has been a journey over the years.

We've found the right length of short trousers for this adult little boy.

Cutting loose

Sometimes this blog has entries that are more stream of whatever is on my mind and on other occasions it can be more of a planned piece based certain themes I'd done some research and carefully thought through.

This week I've been dealing with things from the past that required me to make some clear cut decisions over because the 'malaise' I had been suffering from for a number of years had left some unresolved issues.

One was I had at one point been pushed toward more feminine gender expression by people who believed some of my rootlessness was routed having some interests that were more common in females and encouraged me to be more feminine.

That had included having a notebook that went back several years where I was to document all of this but in the last two years I had began to realize this wasn't really helping because I never had a desire to be female being quite happy being a male and in doing so actually by taking me away from what I was more comfortable with, it was leaving me more in gender limbo. 

Far from being misassigned at birth to use the current trans phrase upon coming out of the womb I had been sexed correctly for the penis and testicles I entered the world with.

Whenever I was called a he, a him a boy, a male or man I was not being misgendered, I was being  sexed correctly by society because I wasn't born in the wrong body as some had tried to get me to accept but born already in my true body and they were affirming it.

Sometimes you may wonder if it's more like making a whole new persona to have a restart when you can only change the external appearance within limits and not really the biology or true sex.

The period I spent in specifically ASB/ASG regression back in a all male gender group had enabled me to strip back a lot of those false assumptions as I explored more of my past  and moreover had shown I was increasingly more confident just being a masculine boy even with the odd different interest accepting the rough and tumble world of masculine boys.

I had parked it for quite a period, not knowing really what to do with it but after several months where I'd only glimpsed at it once a month and after talking with Edward about how I had been feeling not least how I felt seeing such content, I decided to ditch it completely.

From around the same era  I had an account at a music forum which under the same influence had a more feminine feel to it either though technically it was gender neutral on that tick box that was troubling me to the point I was reluctant to post  often on it because I felt that person wasn't really me.

I decided to give it a male makeover starting by marking myself down as a male once and for all, changing the obviously girlie avatar for that of a boy, putting "Just A Boy" in the custom title box and re-writing the about bit to make an oblique reference to living in ALB/ASG life with a picture of boys playing with Meccano.

In the week that I have been wearing sports tops and shorts out looking every inch the boy I am and obviously male, I decided to honour my gender by ditching something it simply wasn't and openly acknowledging on one account what I am.

Regendering therapy for me is the best thing that has happened, reconnecting my feelings, emotions and sense of self to my innate masculinity that has room for my needs.

I am no longer prepared to deny, hide or draw a veil over my real gender  but will assert it from now on.