Random reflections

Hmm I'm kind of late with this cos I was feeling muzzy Monday and generally I tend to write this blog in real time from the feelings and emotions as experienced at that moment and I'm only a bit better today so kinda bear with me.
I was watching Tuesday morning the studio ghibi anime movie - anime isn't just like 20 odd minute episodes in a series animation from Japan, it has a full length form too - "The Tale of the Princess Kaguya" when a series of thoughts rather struck me of one is the sad and unpleasant  things are mixed in with the joyful pleasant ones in your one life.
Like you can't pick and chose from whatever life you lead regardless of whither or not you actively sought  those and so imperfection is actual normal and is best expected in your life however much you may quite rightly strive toward more of the happy enjoyable things for you and those you care about.
Another was that sometimes what it is you what you do attracts attention that negates from what it is you yourself get from it and that people only want you for what they themselves get from you or in effect live through you.
I have seen this sometimes through how people attempt to put my age regression into boxes that either imply it something it just isn't or unwanted attention of a sexual kind. Sometimes more  to do with with a few differing gender traits some try to shower you with friendship if you go their own way with what it means and pull back suggesting you're not meeting their idea of what presenting means.
For me it's always been very much as a mainly masculine boy who while having a few things in common with girls was always happy to gendered as a male and treated by everyone as one without any exceptions.
Because I may not tick some peoples preferred boxes and labels pretty much refusing to go their way preferring to be honest to myself you can feel alone but I'd sooner that than feeling a hollow little faker.
I'm the kind of boy who keeps his own ball up in the air on his terms and nobody else's.

The value of School Friends

 

Finding me in the versions others projected is very much a part of whole thing to which the blog is in part all about really.

Friends can bring back memories, such as how I learned to enjoy swimming as a physically disabled boy with the boys own Camaraderie that goes with it belong to a disabled swimming club and going swimming with all the other boys at school.

They remind you of the things you did with them that others may skim over or even deny took place and critically remind me of how in love with boyhood I was back then.

Going back to boyhood makes sense to really get back to being me.

Being different but very much a boy

I get tired of people who confuse my sex with my gender as person who is not totally masculine when it comes to gender roles because while there are a handful of traits closer to the feminine my major gender markers are masculine which showed at an early age in my play with war toys, realistic soldier dolls and cars.

I played games with cap guns pretending to shoot people dead and accepted being shot dead and being taken prisoner in rough games loving it.

I owned for a long time Action Man figures playing imaginary war games with them sometimes on my own and sometimes with other boys, buying tons of accessories.

They were my main toy by choice, a clear indication of my boyhood masculinity

Similarly I badgered my mummy to buy me this war comic every week reading it cover to cover intently which if I was a 'softie' I'd never of done.

I enjoy wearing a traditional boys outfit with shorts and long socks as much as I do appreciate the fact I can wear a kilt because I am unquestionably a boy  and a real boy at that not in any way effeminate or a wuss.

Equally I may chose to play from a variety of either girlish or boyish hobbies and interests as I best relate to any and actually in somethings I'm more boyish than a good number.

The thing is that has no bearing on my biological sex which is without a doubt male and doesn't indicate I have an issue with being or being seen as one preferring to be addressed as a boy at all times. 

I am proud to be a boy even if I have had difficulties in reconciling how others see me and that sense of being a male and strongly object to people such as sissies who only see me as like them pansy effeminate weaklings who enjoy being 'forced' into being feminine.

There is nothing at all weak about being me whatsoever.

The synchronization of That Traditional Schoolboy's Dorm to That Uniformed Schoolboy

One thing I have never denied is my whole notion of how I am is about being a school aged child because for me unlike perhaps some, it was the time when in certain respects I stopped developing as the world surrounding me continued and moved on.

It isn't and not need not be limited to a recreation of being a school child in a uniform, studying but may involve the life beyond school such as playing either in or out of doors in what we saw at the time as our play clothes that were different to our school uniforms or best clothes we'd go family and other important gatherings in.

That said a return on being sat at a desk in that uniform we wore is an element of it I do love and always loved even at the times other issues in my life seemed to take centrestage and that's why we ended up with two blogs this year.

In making both blogs I have put a new common personal image on the about pages of both That Uniformed Schoolboy which is more a slice of life blog around the life style of a age dysphoric middle/little as lived by me and this one to better connect the two because that very person I have those interests and adventures who in the flow of which I experience emotions, am overseen and has his bottom spanked as needed.

I always like super heroes be they on tv or in comic book form for their adventure, drama and to be honest sense of machismo.

I even acted it out  with my own capes and that

This age dysphoric life is seamless for me as lived and only split across two blogs to give a better focus and indeed some entries like this weeks are directly linked and it's that I'm working on.

To me though my liking of cute things, my very tactile nature and strong emotional feelings are more about a important part of how I see and feel me and nothing to do with what sex I am.

There are many caring, nurturing roles that males do play a vital part in such as careworkers of which I had a few male ones growing up and actually they fact they could talk to me me man to boy was a godsend because you can't easily teach what it means to be a boy to someone as it's something you need to experience and knowing that helps.

Caring people know  a little boy like me who is run down lacking energy gets factious and will cry.

They also know to help me get that back restores that inner peace, aren't apposed to hugging me and giving me a soft to cuddle up to.

So liking cute things and caring are attributes that belong in boyhood and ought to respected as much a the physical, more masculine and mental resilience. 

Making Babysteps to recovery II

I started earlier on talking about how I started to realize the drip fed doubts and anti male attitudes people pushed at me were making me feel really off inside with some even trying to push me toward gender variance and how that just didn't sit with me .

One of things I said was I was going to return to the way I presented the last time I felt good about being male and ditch androgynous looks which I am doing while trying to talk with other males about my own past, looking when we get down to it my experiences and interests just might be the same ball park.

I have had my hair cut and restyled to a more austere boys only form so I'm more obviously male from it's much longer shoulder length style the it was in the days when I sat as a boy in the Barber's chair.

I started when writing  recently to look at what the adolescent me was like left just to the company of boys and it become obvious part of why I felt good during that era is wrapped around libido because we all were sexual: it didn't matter if you acted upon it, we all had our fantasies.

Adolescent boys are sexual because we have what adult males have running through us and just as developed. Girls checked me out and wolf whistled me even out at weekends what kind of embarrassed dad when I was with him.

There's a song by the rock group The Who called Pictures of Lily where a boy growing out of younger fascinations struggles to sleep so his Dad puts up pictures of some 20's Edwardian flapper girl to help him get to sleep.
The boy finds he's in love her.

Part of this whole malaise it seemed to me was connected around disconnection between innate lidido and those attitudes others had thrust upon me.

I came around to the conclusion part of the cure has to start by going back to what I now recalled about the adolescent me and to put up tasteful pictures of females that while not being naked did show their curvaceous features.

It also means that part from going back to being that boy in his t shirt and shorts in order to feel better I need to let myself be him 

To get better I need to accept and act upon having sexuality as apart of whole me.