Making Babysteps to recovery II

I started earlier on talking about how I started to realize the drip fed doubts and anti male attitudes people pushed at me were making me feel really off inside with some even trying to push me toward gender variance and how that just didn't sit with me .

One of things I said was I was going to return to the way I presented the last time I felt good about being male and ditch androgynous looks which I am doing while trying to talk with other males about my own past, looking when we get down to it my experiences and interests just might be the same ball park.

I have had my hair cut and restyled to a more austere boys only form so I'm more obviously male from it's much longer shoulder length style the it was in the days when I sat as a boy in the Barber's chair.

I started when writing  recently to look at what the adolescent me was like left just to the company of boys and it become obvious part of why I felt good during that era is wrapped around libido because we all were sexual: it didn't matter if you acted upon it, we all had our fantasies.

Adolescent boys are sexual because we have what adult males have running through us and just as developed. Girls checked me out and wolf whistled me even out at weekends what kind of embarrassed dad when I was with him.

There's a song by the rock group The Who called Pictures of Lily where a boy growing out of younger fascinations struggles to sleep so his Dad puts up pictures of some 20's Edwardian flapper girl to help him get to sleep.
The boy finds he's in love her.

Part of this whole malaise it seemed to me was connected around disconnection between innate lidido and those attitudes others had thrust upon me.

I came around to the conclusion part of the cure has to start by going back to what I now recalled about the adolescent me and to put up tasteful pictures of females that while not being naked did show their curvaceous features.

It also means that part from going back to being that boy in his t shirt and shorts in order to feel better I need to let myself be him 

To get better I need to accept and act upon having sexuality as apart of whole me.