The mid 80's and moving back in time

From where all of this life came is by no means a bad question to ask when you think about it.

Some clearly was routed in the period of official childhood, the memories of what you did, how things and indeed how you looked plus as I got into into my early teens I did start regressing not that it was a word I knew then.

We've looked at bits from the past on this blog  but the next phase started a few years later and it's that we'll talk about this week.

The mid nineteen eighties were quite an important point in modern British history as institutions changed, and there was much bitter conflict not least here in the North Staffordshire coalfield that has only recently began to heal.

By this period, I was out of school  and its routines and in the world of work after a period of stops and starts getting a job which was difficult back then but it was the first indication that really I was growing apart from my peers who were thinking more about things like savings, getting into things like marriage and they seemed to see each other as adults.

I just didn't feel remotely that way.

While many of my age then went on Club 18-30 holidays, I was still on hols with Mum and Dad looking superficially in my teens visiting places together, spending hours on the beach exploring  and even making sandcastles.

Things like scouting  still had an appeal as much as I knew in my head there was no way I could drop right back to where I felt I belonged and indeed as I found a good decade and a bit later in another context I couldn't stop myself from involuntarily dropping into that child so really it wouldn't of worked out well to had got an adult role either.

At home one brother had got married and left and another was going through a period of girlfriends who needless to say came over from time to time so stuff at home was changing from when I was i my last year of school.

I did start exploring and revisiting the places nearby where I played and met up with as that young boy with a view to at least acknowleging the pull all of that had over me even if they like time itself had moved on.

Given how things turned out in 1980 where some of my old cubs stuff got removed, I knew I had to be careful about how often I'd attempt to dress more as I saw myself as clearly Mum felt then you didn't "need" them and seemed to more into trying to make me look look like a pint sized dad even if what was within was anything but.

I did work on trying to get a more younger look by stealth,  helped by fitting more in bigger teens clothing as my body shape wasn't as well developed as most adults and indeed my arms remain no wider than a child's even now.

I just knew I needed to look more as I saw me even if of necessity the more schoolboyish look had to be hidden.

What I learned over the years

To be honest I've been still mulling over really  the emotional impact of being among people I knew specifically those I knew as either children or adults at school at Mr Cowe's funeral last Tuesday and really what I've learned over all those years.

There are some reflections I do feel the need to talk about about on here one is learning to be grateful for what people freely do for you such as the time seeing I was struggling at one railway station, a couple kindly offered to help carry my luggage and even checked when I got to the end of the stairwell I was all right who I no idea of. I thanked them profusely for caring so much and acting on it.

Then's there is the ability, however difficult I find it with being autistic to go to people I don't know, ask  if I may sit next to them and strike up a conversation about a common person in our lives, which I have got better at.

There's the people who kept an eye on me as I was feeling a little homesick where I stayed away several times, spending time with and the friend who knowing the sort of fiction I like, gave me a cherished book from their collection which they sure didn't have to and to which I didn't expect at all after giving them a action figure I thought they'd love.

You also recall how it was your friends dreamed of being things like racing drivers, football players and train drivers but settled later in life for something more mundane but worthwhile while, you just wanting to be around doing a "Good turn" got the role to do just that, caring for your community.

Then there is a friend of mine who kindly put me up, offering a cooked meal and a lift to the train coming back completely out of the blue, seeing I was on the right platform for my train to come in. Even when I found I simply could not eat the whole of their home made and cooked meal rather than just saying it was very nice-and it was was absolutely lovely- from nowhere I found myself apologizing to them for not finishing my meal clearly feeling contrite.

These acts of kindness really moved me but whereas in the past I'd of blocked out my emotions I thanked them properly for all those things they did not have to do,that I have no right to expect nor demand expressing my gratitude, revealing my sense of being humbled openly.

It also reminded me of the distance I had travelled from that young boy in reception class being cared for both in class and with being played with by older children at breaktimes, trying to make sense of it all to being able to play a big part in the wider community because they cared to help you that over time understand more of what and how this community thing worked and what caring really means.

There was time several years back when I was away with friends that while a few people needed a reminder to tidy up and put their plates in the dishwasher, I did not and indeed that I had was held up as an example for others to follow.

I think the one thing I can take away from this period is while I may still have some distance to go and the potential to relapse, the event did show I had moved on over the years, being responsible and how I'm being helped to change is really helping me.  

A loss from the past

 Things that happen while you're away can include the latest goings on in your immediate area or some item you ordered having arrived but for me including reading in the local newspaper of the death of a former junior classmates parent, aged 91.

Now ordinarily that is bad news and I had aged parents but having "lost" mum early last year brings that rather forward but Alison lost her mum some five years back in 2019 and mum did attend that rather packed funeral service.

Thus she's at the point if having lost both her parents which I would imagine brings things back for her and for me reminds me the clock is ticking away too with dad.

So at a stroke two prominent community members, one being a stewart of local Girl Guides, the in the Royal British Legion are now gone.

Yesterday I attended the funeral service here to both remember what George did and to support her and her brother as we all looked out for and helped each other back then in the playground the best we could.

This included his role in starting the youth brass band, his personal life on an Estate Lodge in Aberdeenshire where an interest in agriculture engineering was formed at an early age and his time in National Service spent in Japan, Korea and Egypt.

I met with Stephen who joined when I did but took a couple of years out as he moved to a nearby town and attended school for period there before returning, talking about those days

Those bonds while added to by high school and employment, remain and for me the promise then is one you keep now.

Mithersome week

 

We're back to what passes as normal on here after last weeks excursions and all that not being too happy as having got a not that easy to find version of one Rolling Stones album yesterday, my concentration just lapsed for a split second and before you know it one record comes flying out of its inner sleeve and in the the attempt to avoid it hitting the floor I get hold of it and it runs right across a finger nail and places a audible scratch across Track one, Side three, Happy.

Well I ain't!

It's the trouble when you're being mithered things that really there's little you can do but the way it is being put over is like their on the edge of getting emotional, you're feeling obliged to try to fix it so your mind is occupied subconsciously by that.

Then there was one ordered, prepared for dispatch and then your told that in plain terms they don't think the quality is good enough to send to you so you're dealing with cancellations and attempting a re-order with someone else.

I did get around to putting some things out for a cancer charity collection that a month before most of the things were not collected.

Why I just understand really.