Was there something I was meant to do?

 

A feeling I'm very familiar with as I easily get sidetracked away from what it is meant to  be looking up or doing into something else and find I've run out of time which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't that others are relying  on me and I flunked it.

I think with me it's tied in with being autistic and having adhd, I oscillate between a lack of urgency to get started and complete a task and hyper focus where I i'm lock on to on thing to the point I have to completely finish the task regardless of any others or other needs such as eating regular.

Getting on with it

Sometimes I wonder where so much of my attitudes and behaviour comes from but it came to me the other day that there were several episodes that shaped it.

One was the occasions when I was at home where in theory at least my younger brother was looking after me although if this chronological age thing had anything to do with it it would of been the other way around.

Ours was a house like a good many back then that had a coal fire in the front room although we did burn the odd bit of wood and that although it wasn't a proper log burner that having spent what seemed like ages getting it going with firelighters, tindling and coal, you needed to keep well lit until it was time for bed in order for us to stay all cozy playing or watching tv.

He always seemed put out to be this kind of situation, thinking somehow my being disabled cost home unspecified lost opportunities and for good measures had a number of crazy ideas of one tended to be someone just HAD to make it possible for him to spend his money and still get more.

Unfortunately he took to psychologically bullying me in attempts to make up the difference, thinking if he kept it up I'd hand over either my pocket money or holiday funds to him that day and if that wasn't enough he come back the next day for more.

Well this particular evening it must of turned toward Eight PM as it had gotten dark and Mom and Dad had gone to some event in our district leaving him in charge as my older brother was on older teen business that you know you didn't ask much about.

It wasn't long before he kept putting forward demands for handing over my money saying I didn't need it that week and he wanted it one after another never letting go to the point he'd really wound me up and I chucked that money right into the fire saying if was going to get it when my back was turned then that was it.

To a large extent as you get older, you put it out of your mind  because to a large extent  you need to to get on with the rest of your life and in any event you wouldn't like to give him that power over you that he felt entitled to.

Fairly recently I told Mum about this and she was dumfounded to hear about had gone on.

Idealism vs Reality

To me, this is one of the most important messages of the Winnie the Pooh stories that I feel are so important for boys to read and learn from.

It is sad we cannot always be with the people we love and loved the most but the most important thing is what it is we learn from them and about ourselves that we take forward on this adventure called LIFE we are on.

OUR adventure begets that of others who become apart of it and carry on as we in time leave it, learning lessons that all of us badly need to learn to make the most of ourselves and our lives.

We don't give up, we move forward instead.

The 77 Annual at last!

 

It's not Christmas as I battle with strong winds and rain apart from getting my hair cut at the Barbers this morning  as it's grown  a bit but out of sync one thing has arrived.

It had been announced that a new comic Annual was coming out but like many niche things being dependant upon crowd sourcing from the likes of Kickstarter, it all takes time to get to the point the print run can be set to roll.

The77 annual is a bumper 136 page anthology of original stories in a very modern take on the 80s UK annual format.

Comic annuals always were a staple of Christmas's with me for being something you'd gain much enjoying from reading across the year and given the loss of so many of the comics and associated annuals I grew up with to have a all new one was just a dream.

Created by a mix of the best new talent and creators we know and love including the likes of Glenn Fabry, Lew Stringer, Steve Pugh, Andrew Sawyers and Ade Hughes some that do work for mainstream comics and others mixing with independents.

This Annual features the greatest strips from one of the hottest independent comics around and covers a multitude of genres from Sci Fi to WW2 that makes for a varied read which was more what I looked for back then.

This is just the tonic I've been looking for in the last few weeks.

I guess I'm different

Life is for some of us different.

There is no getting away from being physiologically and legally an adult however young you may look, passing for casually at least but in most other ways the way you live your life is at variance to your peers.

Some may be surprised, perplexed even  if they were to eavesdrop into your world devoid of much of what they foresee as "normal" as much as it is questionable if theirs is any the more balanced and satisfying.

That is missing for many adult lives, as concepts such a there remaining a need to 'play', time between employment  and getting to bed to just switch off from things like news and the like living a moment you create.

Sometimes you just need to take a step out from from the hubbub of adult concerns.

Communication breakdown

It's been a confusing day around communications  today for a variety of reasons.

One to me shows the difficulty in communicating with a person who doesn't seem to have the ability to infer from reading what a communication is about, to take a note at the top of it that explains it gives you the impression they've just skimmed over it.

A response to say they don't know where it has come from is the literal sense impossible because it's obvious from your account it is from you and if by which you really meant you are not sure why you have sent it you might as well just say that as it is clearer even if the purpose is stated in the first paragraph. 

A better thing to had said is "Is there something I'm meant to do with it" or explain what it is that is confusing.

I have spent the best of of an hour trying to explain that in twenty twenty in England you cannot necessary get a doctors appointment on the day straight off the bat because you are highly likely given demand to have some questions from a Triage Nurse because it may be your bigger need is something that can be arranged such as a prescription item.

It sadly isn't going in.

Then there is a person who seems to think you can ask a series of questions related to ASB presentation as single individual questions expecting an more instantaneous conversation to this in real time.

Well apart from time and well-being constraints  as admin, it would of been better to have asked for some ideas in a thread to which people of explained.

There may be reasons why this person seems communicate in this style but trying to deal with it isn't easy.

Just seems to be one of those days.

Electrics issues and just being a boy

 Well it is a Wednesday so I'd normally write something on here but the weeks been rather messy with five days without email at all and this a screwed up return that doesn't allow for sending emails and erratic receiving incoming mail so I had to spend time remaking site contact stuff and the like. 

That kind of stuff takes me away from where I really am mentally.

Everyone is an individual and where and what they get from being an ASB can vary so I would not say there's a "true" asb with the inference anything else wasn't.

Sometimes you'll find someone in the ASB world who does think is it's a kind role playing scenario or a way of disguising a kink interest.

For some there is a connection to being ASB in BDSM, roles, power exchange, the cp obviously and that's great IF that's you.

Others may while accepting cp may be coming at things from a more age regressive in the mindset of the person who at that point or in certain respects remains a youngster.

To in that context dress more as their younger selves so how they see themselves matches their reflection, possibly do some studying and (for some) receive for sort of cp of that era for those thing that may of been seen as appropriate punishment is it.

It wouldn't be about attending club style cp events with that as the central point even if attending a role play school might be of the sort that has formal classes and excursions out.

Their being asb stems from being in that headspace that fits along with being a adult little boy having an more forever a child headspace rather like to of been a schoolboy back in the day was about your school centred life as that boy and you had a life beyond chalk, times tables and the playground.

In that way the ASB side crosses over from the adult little boy side just as the school boy and (little) boy  did back in the day.

To be one you had to be the other so they were neither stand alone identities nor one and the same.

I can't say I have any latent kink connections seeing myself mentally as a child  at all.

I just happen to be a little boy over the age of twenty one and that's how I get through stuff like sorting things on the computer just as modern boys do cos they have them too.