Rainswept reflections on the week

Good morning as I sit atop of my bed in blue pajamas clutching my Gummi Bear typing this all out at this early hour although I did get a good nights sleep in after checking on ASB and having my supper.
Thursday saw me publish a marathon practically blog like post around boyhood on Tumblr and I know you all think the most activity I might do is run and up down the soccer field wildly but actually I can be - whisper it quietly, academic - so I wrote this post about a quarter of which was personal observation and reflection that ties into how I'm changing for having more having more male input but I digress.

I sorted through my more casual play clothing with us getting toward winter where you may need an extra layer in the form of a jumper or sweatshirt on as some of them were past their best and organized replacements which will be coming soon
The weather it has to be said doesn't really seem to know in what season it really is in as while it isn't the fall, although some leaf coverage is lower than usual nor is the summer with temperatures lower and presently much heavy rain having had to be out in it.
Sometimes people - usually females - say why do you go out this time of year in shorts and long socks rather than longs and for one thing the reason is the rain just runs off my legs so doesn't leave them feeling damp next to my skin and which longs when soaked do.
It's also easier to clean my legs of any marks from damp objects like cars or mud off me plus they are less likely to get on my shorts than on longs the would then need to be washed.

Finally after over a week I have transitioned to masculine peeing conventions totally feeling so much better about myself connected to my maleness in doing so.
I will from now only pee in the manner of boys through my shorts and not in the manner of girls because I belong to and have a gender identity which is masculine because I am a boy and that is the standard for me.

What the ---- happened boys

One thing that doesn’t always happen on Tumblr for all the talk about it being ‘social media’ is actually social activity not least communication between people with people just liking and reblogging posts as is instead.

Thus it’s rare for to have anyone respond meaningfully to what you had posted but one person who I can rely on for doing that is Sammy through which I have gotten to understand more around their feelings around presenting and being a boy.

Sammy had in characteristic directness commented upon a picture that had  showed a 'boy’ who appeared to be wearing very much girls jeans he’d somehow managed to squeeze everything into with hardly a quarter inch to spare and to which was in a more girlish pose. 

Apart from remarking on how long it must of taken to have done that he also posed the question what the _ happened with boys.

Actually I just love it when he just comes out with emotionally honest responses free from any kind of couching in 'cover all bases to avoid any possible offence even when non intended’ talk. You just get straight to the point.

There are a few things around that I get even if I may come at times from a different direction such as when it’s not only possible to get boy jeans but actually they tend to be sought after by girls for being a better fit and having pockets that actually are deep enough to hold things why would any boy, any kind of a boy, actively chose super tight fitting girls ones?

And having done that pose in a very obviously girlish way too? To me looking at that the extent to which there was a 'code’ to which we slotted being a boy in hasn’t just been broke for a while (and there were issues within it  way before) but it has left some boys at least…lost.

Lost is how even from my own background is how I see that picture as if the only way he can see being a cowboy from is that of a more girl trying to be a boy rather than being a boy who is identifying with an actual grown male cowboy. I mean I’d only present that way he did way IF I wanted to BE a girl with all that goes with it.

As alluded to earlier on, I think part of the issue was that 'code’ had its own issues such as not being a complete picture of what being masculine meant so while we heard much about integrity, loyalty, protecting others and athletic prowess which are good things for boys it didn’t cover things such as empathy, recognizing and taking responsibility for your emotions knowing when ask for help and when you can deal with them yourself. It also tended to regard an interest in aesthetics and appearance as 'suspect’ that crossed at times a line into homophobic and other less than 100% gender conforming boys abuse.


Toss in powerful women making the most of equal opportunities taking roles previously held by men and men disappearing from boys lives sometimes literally sometimes just men as food providers and allowance givers rather than being central to the lives focused on the business of raising boys in an hands on way providing guidance then it’s not so surprising some boys lost their way not knowing what being a boy meant, carrying that socially.


That’s something I can relate to and while I’m sure at times you feel your own approach to communicating can seem unappreciated  like a voice in the wilderness, actually what you talk about can be of great value because it gets you to think more around what being a boy is actually about.


Going back to that cowboy picture, you reposted another very different image with a terrific commentary yesterday where the boy in question was very much presenting in  confident attractive and yes a masculine way. It was reblogged with that intact for a reason, it’s a page both of us have arrived at in considering what a boy can be with a kind of masculinity that’s complete meeting the needs of the whole boy AND without any femininity.


Your passion for the traditional boy nay the 'real boy’ you grew up with, the way in which you show those values have helped in causing me to reassess how the at times troubled understanding of what being that boy is. 


Your clear cut support of masculinity and how that is central to making the most of being a boy has encouraged me to move toward being acting more in line with its spirit not by aping you but by looking for and at that which is within me. 
That masculinity is one that meets my whole needs and yet be well within and inclusive of that traditional code whose odd issues apart did meet the real needs of real boys with spirit and gumption as well as feelings and a sense of purpose.


“What the _ happened with boys?” Well, by being around and talking about this, you have moved me along a path to one of finding a sense of being and inner happiness from being a masculine boy secure in what he is and feeling valued for the one he is becoming. There is nothing greater you could give this boy but to be his true self. 

Maybe more boys need that kind of input and straight talk?

*Originally published on Tumble Aug 23 2018

Progress for the New Term

This whole things seems to have a life of its very own as areas of my life are starting to change rapidly some parts even being literally binned away because of a considerable amount confusion and misunderstanding around who I am and from that my life's direction.

Life for a variety of reasons such as my disabilities, a odd style of parenting that was low on input but high on analysis having its own ideas about defining which boxes I should be in and some issues around gender identification and roles all featured in it

Thus you could fairly describe me as being troubled but more from a troubled childhood raising rather more and that is some of the things I am working through and in the past their have been more enlightened people who saw me as what I am a - a role seeking missile needing attention and tuition - and how did make more of a impact for the better in my life.

In so many ways that boy by the car is 'as old' as I get and sometimes less but for some of problems I have had with gender identities and roles is very much who I am and for the extent to to which I may be at variance help in finding a balance between some of them and the need to 'be' the boy you are in your social setting was more what I needed.

That is a big area I am working on now as some of the confused approaches ultimately didn't work for me and give me no proper sense of gender identity leaving me lost.

The irony was my junior teachers could and did work in their own ways on it so at least I had an identity in the front of my peers helping me to feel good about being a boy - my own sense of boyhood.

Pix credit: Neil Godfrey (born 1937) Resting Dancer, 1987

Bottom lineis devoid of any clothing  I am just like any other male so I am making more of an attempt to find ways of fitting more around this, to be more socially male, while finding the spaces for those things that don't slot so well in that causes the least issues to what actually matters - being one of the boys.  

One area where a combination of disabilities plus a failure to teach social skills was was in toilet training and where now I have learned to pee standing up keeping my shorts and underpants on like every other boy and man which will help with fitting in with male social norms and help me feel more like a boy.

Where there is little benefit to me, some aspects that crept into how I lived are just being discarded wholesale which after these years is almost like discarding a crutch you learned to live with but in reality this is so much better even if you feel emotional taking that step.

Learning to change, to grow up a bit more and to integrate more into the world of boys and men are what I need

Growth

It has been an odd week here with the end for now perhaps of one forum for boys like me and with the 24 hour blood pressure test I've had since my current medical side came to the doctors in the last three weeks.
It's kind of weird going around with something that beeps and squeezes your arm at preset intervals

In all this I am growing in my deeper sense in what it means to feel deeply connected to my  own masculinity, to love my male body and neigh be proud of being a boy who has walked away from the world of girls and women and to stand alone as a boy in his tribe of fellow boys as an equal in the World of Men and manhood supported to show his metal as a Real Boy.

The Ten life lessons that should be taught to the teenage male

1. Cultivate the three pillars of life
The three pillars of life—in order—are: body, mind, and social.

2. Small things will seem important while important things go under the radar

3. Screw your dreams, go for opportunities

4. Start developing useful skills now

5. Get off electronic screens

6. You can become a man whenever you choose to live as one

7. It’s time to start taking full responsibility

8. Learn to manage money

9. Go against the current

10. If you’re going through hell, keep going

Prayer for a Little Boy

The words from this have been an inspiration during this last week in recovering so I think this deserves to be placed where it belongs - here - on the blog about how I feel.

A recovering boy

This week was not a good week for me to be honest because I had been away the week before and had returned with a fair number of bites from midges, horseflies and indeed tics from being on grass and also going for a couple of walks.
I had a large rash on one arm from a number of bites, a couple of bites on the other plus a series on both legs and ankle area that did not appear to be subsiding.
On Saturday evening while doing some stuff on the computer, I started to feel very hot, struggling to breathe and feeling very sick to the point I had to stop what I was doing in a hurry.
Coming downstairs, I felt my body feeling crushed almost as if I was about to die any second.
It was horrible.
I forced several cup fulls of water down me thinking it may force some air through me and spent a good length of time sat by a bowl feeling sick and after a couple of hours had a paracetamol to lower my temperature before going to bed.
I prayed and prayed to God that I was a good boy, strong and was able to fight anything including this because I have the fight in me to protect and stand up for myself and as a CatBoy I have nine lives that can save me.
By about six o clock in the morning  I felt a bit better and decided I would get medical help the next day and obediently follow their advice and present as the boy in his school shorts too.
I got examined and I am being treated for Lyme Disease having been given penicillin based antibiotics to take for a week so I have to be good and take every single one.
I will need to rest as they make me feel yukky as they fight the infection so I will be in my uniform on the bed reading or listening to music as I recover.