Getting it together

Being away got me thinking about something in very much clear cut ways and that's what I'm devoting column space to this week.

One thing that always pissed me off from boyhood was write large in the signage and that was there were three categories of children and even adults, boys, girls and 'disabled' OR later on mens, women's and 'disabled'.

To put it bluntly, the presumption seemed to be that the minute a person had a disability, you also lost your sense of gender identity too as if you acquired a second disability straightaway that while notionally gender neutral in reality was far more feminine like assuming your clothes fastened the same as girls did are your interests were.

You'd struggle to find a Man who'd handle you when it comes dressing, treating you as one of the boys and engaging in male talk with you.

Worst still, even your toilet needs were regarded as female so you never went to the same toilets as boys did, you were always dealt with by females, never men and you had to sit down to go.

I always wanted to piss with the other boys  even if it meant being parked up in the urinals pissing into a bottle, emptying at the urinal and washing my hands in front of every other boy who was pissing too.

That's why I love that sign- it gets it right, disabled boys ARE boys and really facilities like a larger disabled toilet should be in your own genders spaces that you enter like any other boy.

The other thing connected with all of that is how all that plus meddling by various people left me in sense of gender otherness, a malaise when really going back and looking at my more formative years it was more obvious that odd gender untypical interest aside I was very much a boy and happy with and being pushed along other directions had not really done anything for me. 

Quite the opposite actually.

Working from the time I was at asb.org to sorting out old tumblr account to even sorting out an even older music forum account  and just coming out openly as a boy and masculine progress is being made like coming out with the short form of my first name.

That malaise had added own issues like not feeling I could like my own body when you'd been pushed into thinking it wasn't really you.

Well where I was it was a bit hot plus we'd been playing physical games afterward that took my mind a bit to school games and swimming where you'd shower afterwards and in truth I was a bit sweaty.
After all most boys do sweat more by design compared with girls.

After spending a long time disassociating from my body by hiding in a bubble filled bath, decided to take a shower which I wasn't sure over not least for forgetting completely how to use one managed to get it going .

I started to apply the shower gel all over me, torso, legs and intimate parts and then as I looked in the left hand mirror directed the water spray over me as I rubbed into in cleaning myself. 

I made myself look at my body as I worked on my intimate areas rather than averting my eyes realizing I loved my boyish genitalia and it was nothing to feel ashamed over.

I Love what makes me my gender and all it means.

Embracing that and loving myself means no more hiding my gender from anyone and that my sex organs are at core of me.They are me.

Another thing is over the years I have moved much further back in part through the regressive side of me as well as the side dealing all that other mess toward more overtly boyish dress.

It was very obvious during the period I was away, really that is what I feel most comfortable with, it is my second skin as it were not things that made me feel bad about who I really was so anything like that will be going for good from my life.

I feel outside of uniform traditional boys sports shorts and tops is much more in tune with the spirit of what is in me.

I also know I'm a hetrosexual male and this is a good thing so I will stand up for my own sexuality in a sea where only gay or non sexual sexual identities are preferred.