I think the first thing to say is I feel more vulnerable emotionally today than I have for a good many years between the feelings brought out from the previous week, the never ending inter communal supremely childish discourse on Tumblr around trans politics, having a remove and I'm blocking you attitude for being in the "wrong" community as defined by them order and having our age regression questioned by an exclusive group of ...age regressors!
Toss in the rumblings of an English FA youth soccer investigation into abuse by a man who lived but 100 yards away from me from whose face I can still recall with a shudder and you get the picture,eh?
I just feel very much in need of a hair rustling and a hug, just to know everything will be okay and in fact I'll just colour and play with my stuffies I think cos that'll help recentre me to a point I feel good rather like the "Restore" point on a Windows computer helps when the software don't work right you restore the operating system to a earlier point where it does!
That for me always was and is where age dysphoria was at rather than anything really adult and why generally things had been running that much better for me over the last few years cos I worked more with what's right for me rather than performing an act of impersonating others and falling badly when the real life developmental issues plowed into reality, leaving me an emotional mess.
In so many ways the way I see my relating pattern is very much that of a boy to man and never as man to man so men invariably become my adult authority figures whatever age might be suggested by my birth certificate with them very much setting the example and guiding me as uncle/father to son and disciplining as adult male to boy which is the natural order of things.
I may not be around some sites as much as had but I think this is really what I need right now and that's why I've gone away this last week for a few days .
In so many ways the way I see my relating pattern is very much that of a boy to man and never as man to man so men invariably become my adult authority figures whatever age might be suggested by my birth certificate with them very much setting the example and guiding me as uncle/father to son and disciplining as adult male to boy which is the natural order of things.
I may not be around some sites as much as had but I think this is really what I need right now and that's why I've gone away this last week for a few days .
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