Getting to the nub of the malaise

 As I said last time it was simples when I was in infants and juniors but things went rather awry.

To really begin to understand where everything starts from you need to understand that exposure to and promotion of a anti male agenda in my teens didn't just mess up my sense of identity as a male but also pushed a unease about my own body image, seeing it as less desirable or even disconnected from my own sex.

You hear the same things today where people argue that sex isn't determined by  hormones and your actual sexual organs but I started recently questioning much of that.

If I took my underpants down you would see the sex organs that are part of my body and everybody present would say inequivalently I am male because I have them and that is after all just what happened when I was born: in no uncertain terms society was told I was a Gender- Boy- and until all this other stuff came in did treat me as one valuing it.

In 2017 then as I start this process of climbing out that malaise we need to go right back to beginning with this:

I am a male because I have male sex organs, which I was born with and have no other sex or gender identity because I have no other parts that are female or in any way indeterminate

I will wear grey short trousers as the boy I am

AND

from now on want to be called and treated as one at all times without exception because there isn't one.

Running with the pack

 

Time was it was so simple then, I run with the Pack with a simple identity based upon my actual sex whatever odd differences there were between me and stereotypical boys of my era that was encouraged at school and in our social lives.

It may not of been perfect in an era which was very binary when it came to what girls and boys where supposed to do and like but it worked well enough for me.

I was happy to be that boy.

Introduction II

We're starting somewhere on this blog cos you just have to and it starts very much with me even if invariable I'll get on to talking about other things such as wider boyhood life, roles and so on as they run across my life because in the end I don't exist in a vacuum.

I lived across a interesting period of the twentieth century being born in the sixties that for my parents generation were just a run on of the 50's, high employment, high status for males, mums at home with that being her place bringing us up through a period were gender roles changed, equal pay was enshrined in law and working Mum's was the battle cry as more women worked and wider acceptance of different sexualities started.

Life as a boy then was fairly simple: we aspired to what our older brothers dads and uncles wanted and took our social cues  from them and if any one typical a younger woman said anything then older women would remind them "real men" provided for their own opportunities and freedoms.

As time went on, this all started to change and this impacted on me because of one thing I couldn't change and that was I needed caring for as a disabled boy and many were women but unlike previous generations treated you as a boy, they often didn't accept that you were any different and what is more pushed anti male feelings at you sometimes to point of persuading you you'd be better off as a girl.

Perhaps in their world that might be but to be in the throws of adolescent changes  with all the issues and insecurities it brings, it left uncertainties where only years before in a mainstream junior school I knew what I was about and it's them I've been battling with since.

After a period it seemed to me all of this including how I'd seemed to of bought it was making less and less sense that I decided the answer had to be found in revisiting the period before and then looking at the period shortly after to see the real me.

There were and are other reasons behind age regression for me that I'll touch on later in this blog but part was to sort out everything that happened later on in my childhood as it affected me as this malaise was leaving me unhappy and unsure of myself.

In one of the few up periods in my teens following this I did dress outside of school and formal home occasions in t shirts and sports shorts like these and during that period I did feel more me so I resolved to go back to wearing them buying the then popular short nylon shorts that made me look more like an athletic male.

School rules in infants

This blog doesn't discuss how to discipline todays youngsters but it is necessary to mention what was normal back in the day I was a schoolboy.

Back then you were seen as that silly little boy that wouldn't follow the rules so as I can well remember you'd be taken to one side smacked with your teachers hand and sent with your shorts not fully fastened to face the wall passing the other boys and girls to make you feel more ashamed and embarrassed  trying to hold them up as others could see your underwear and attempts to rub it better.
It was infantile but then back then they'd say you were an infant and you all learned you couldn't challenge the teach or break them.

It was also an era where the ear pull was common place and because our shorts were short it wasn't uncommon to have your legs smacked in front of the class for lesser things.

We all are the products of our times and upbringings so it's important to bear in mind how these parts of boyhood remain part of our concept of being one as a a legal adult whither or not that is part of your current life. To some that era may as well be another place.

On character

All I know is that was and felt like me.