Loss and Boy Pride

If you hadn't noticed there's been a few minor changes on here in part a response to what I was talking about last week and connected to what is coming soon once I'm a hundred percent happy with it.

Watching Jamie Johnson on Thursday before Blue Peter brought a few issues to my mind forward from where they were last left.

The first is the most painful which is to say that when something has happened to you that affects what you can do like for him his football career for me losing the ability to do much with my hands and the accident that caused brain damage when I was fourteen, you grieve for the loss of those things and the impact on your future.

When you are like this you are not in the most balanced place mentally, you do have the incident playing in slow motion in your head as you deal with things like culpability - who really is to blame for this - and how other people react.

Some people for the best of reasons just seem to get too close and personal wanting to "feel your pain" and "fix everything" and it comes over very much as if they're living through you trying to get a merit badge, as if "I care about you" means you interfere and I should just let you.

That's the point he pretty much exploded and to be honest I'd tell you to "____ off " because you have really no idea how I feel and it isn't about how you do.

I'm very much from a more rugged masculine boyhood who'd run a hundred miles in the other direction if you came anywhere near to treating me as a object of sympathy, with lots of fuss and a gazillion "we thought you might be down and we'd to or take you to... "offers being pushed at you.

Like Jamie even if I had worked hard on something all year I could never accept a compensatory medal or award when I hadn't put in the work which is the standard for it.

All I would of wanted was the practical help to enable me to do that so when I got it it was because of my own efforts, because I'd of channelled my energy into standing on my own two feet again and working at it like anyone else.

Look, like him I'm okay with praise if you do something well, capable of handling told by your team you need to change if not. because you're a part of it and you expect to be treated the same way but I've got my Boy Pride and you darn well should respect it.

Although I made my peace with how I am and how that ties into this life that's very much the thing.

Coping and being cared for

The present corona virus pandemic is very worrying but for boys that advice by Mr. Rodgers is really the thing that matters now as it did then.

Men and indeed women are not waiting around while talking up the crisis but instead are doing what is responsible and lending a hand to help, showing real leadership and good morals not ransacking food stores creating more problems for everyone at such a stressful time.

Other things that tie into included going for a long walk to get away from the relentless coverage in the media dressed in grey shorts and socks (covered elsewhere by my walking post) where men spoke with me checking I was okay.

It felt lovely to be cared for by adults of my own gender, man to adult boy who just engaged with me more like their own sons reflecting masculine care for each other.

Away thoughts

You know the best thing any person can be is their authentic selves and that's one thing I will be this week while I'm away enjoying being adult little boy around other adult littles as himself.
Nothing more and nothing less than that indoors and out where we'll be rambling enjoying the countryside when not just messing about and there's nothing wrong with doing just that.

Or making something from lego or playing with trains because all that comes from within.

They went trainspotting, enjoying themselves watching the trains and getting to grips with what makes them work, no doubt talking to railway staff learning about how the railway works.

In 2020 I accepted an offer to go trainspotting, just like they did while in the past I'd of passed up on it unless it was part and parcel of being under the care of an Uncle or my Dad, taking pictures and even volunteering to go into a railway station museum.
I actually loved doing it in the company of men.

While I had gone on steam trains in early boyhood, that was generally because Dad always wanted to and so you all did sometimes to the exclusion of other things we would of preferred which took a lot away from any sense of enjoying it.
This also helped some of those people who tried putting a wedge between me and being a male because while there are some females who are train enthusiasts it remains overwhelmingly a boys and mens thing.
A sign of how much better I am feeling about being male was that I chose to take that journey for the first time in many years not as has been the case when travelling by train has been just about getting to work based activities but for pleasure.
I felt free to be an eternal boy enjoying the sounds, rhythms  and excitement  just like a ten year old boy. I felt great getting excited over it all, being alive in a male body.

I rejoined the world of men and boys as not one female ventured into the engine shed with its smell of oil and smoke and dirt walking around the exhibits, opening conversations with men I never knew freely, feeling very much a part of them, proof that I identify as nothing other than that.

I AM NOT ONLY PHYSICALLY BUT SOCIALLY MALE WITHOUT ANY FEMININE TRAITS BELONGING ONLY IN THE WORLD OF MEN AND BOYS.

The time away spending time in the mainly masculine world underscored the double metaphor of being on this exploration of myself and my past and the arrival at the end of that journey as with being in the engine shed.

The parts were all there, the original plans discovered being used to enable full restoration to be achieved and this ol' engine showed he could hack it all along going full steam ahead knowing his place and feeling the happiest in ages for being male and accepted by men as nothing else.

This week has been the week I fully let my maleness out after all this time, publicly presenting and asserting my gender.

There WILL be no going back from now on.

Defining Boys Only Age Regression

One thing I have been working on for a long time is trying to refine Boys Only style of Age Regression on my A.R. tumblr, a style that really sticks out in what is often a twee girlish aesthetic where it is that we're outnumbered ten to one in those communities.

It isn't that we don't have a soft side, most of us after all did have our teddy bears, dinosaur plushies and that but it didn't include sickly sweet My Little Pony toys, cabbage patch kids or Barbie. We all knew that was Girls stuff back then.

So rather than having advertisements for those things that do take you back to the past, instead those that appeal directly to your inner sense of Machismo, everything that mattered to our and your defining pair as that boy: robust reliability and power.

In the style I am working on, the boy as soldier and warrior  and noble Prince feature, having standards of conduct and dress, prepared to fight for his people and our principles at cost if need be.

He stands up for himself and what is right.

That doesn't mean that slow, reflective and caring goes missing but it is but a part of that regressed past we engage with with real boys role models. 

Christopher Robin was based on a real boy who knew what was good for us

It absolutely includes adventure, wonder and achievement of goals in art, stories and attitude specifically for and about boys free from girls and their influences.

It is a work in progress but for me Boys Only Age Regression is Regression with Balls on.

Feed the affections

Contrary to popular assertion as males were are affectionate toward other living things feeling a strong sense of love and affection toward them such as many of us had toward our pet dogs or cats as young boys.We stroked and hugged them affectionately no matter what may of happened,even kissing them feeling their every living breathing emotion.
We'd go through rain and snow for them if they'd gone missing because we cared that much for them, we hand actually formed a bond that lasted

We formed bonds too with our closest friends hanging out with them by choice for ages, we helped each other out in both practical ways and also by just talking about what was on our minds.
We bear hugged each other.
We looked after younger boys than ourselves caring for them as older boys and men cared for us.
As boys and men, we do actually care.

On restoring our faith in ourselves

You can tell the real boy a mile off by what he gravitates toward never mind tries out for real  such as playing soldiers even as here using a real weapon in controlled safe environment such as at this Armed Forces day event.

Never mind those who'd be outraged by the very idea of introducing a boy to weapons and enjoying doing so.

This week we learned that in 2018 the Royal Mint's panel turned down the suggestion of making a Commemorative Fifty Pence Piece to mark fifty years of the death of the highly popular author Enid Blyton because they believed she was racist, homophobic and sexist.

That was news to me as I've never seen anything remotely homophobic in the many books I have of hers usually in older editions and while the odd character might of said something that today might be seen as sexist that was little different from the world itself we lived in.

When it comes to the charge of Racism there is little stereotypical black as feeble-minded, mischievous or lesser character roles as any other and Gollywogs or Gollies as we called were as much the goodies as not.

The Golly was never seen as a representation of actual black people within British Society and never by boys such as  me who owned and played with gollywogs who often were the first to stand up against actual racism in the playground and dining hall.

That whole 'issue' really stems from the importation of American norms where 'blacked up' mimetic submissive characters did exist and then taking a  very American centric view at black history and racism. 

Our Gollies' as featured on Robinson's Jam didn't 'Jive talk' or speak in croele. They spoke and used 'standard english'.

No Boy (or girl for that matter) was harmed by what she wrote which were gripping adventures and short stories that reflected the world in which they had been written, typically the late nineteen-thirties to early nineteen-sixties where immigration while existing wasn't as widespread so it would of been rare to have seen anyone who wasn't white British.

To the extent you could say she did see the role of then Empire as lead by Whites, well few would argue against allowing people to rule themselves but the jury is very much out if they are any better run for that today and many felt things were better all round for it.

More to the point I feel actually today's young would benefit from being able to read stories where boys really are boys strong, leading and also caring and girls can lead but are able show more of their inner feminine side with nothing to prove free from adult agendas around gender roles and signal virtueing.

Boys and girls under ten do not want to read about alternate gender and sexual identities because they're read very much for relaxation for fun that also help build up word knowledge.

All boys and girls want to do is read stories about their world that can take hold in their own imaginations and only later on look more into what they personally believe about themselves and the wider world.

The trouble with the Liberal Marxist approach is it just denies the reality of what you yourself feel and love to do, read and enjoy for a half baked ideological orthodoxy which itself will be condemned in the next twenty or so years.

The past is best looked at from the standards of its own day, lessons perhaps being drawn from not fed into a 'memory hole' to be erased for not fitting an approved viewpoint of today.
We must stand up for ourselves and what we believe to be right.

Culture wars on Tumblr

Sometimes between what might be a planned post, something unexpected happens  that changes matters.
I do blog about Scouting for personal reasons and on Tumblr had followed a number of blogs connected with it but had noticed a number seemed to be disappearing.

One I loved by by a user who went under the username Redneckerchief who as far as I was aware was an American who blog about youth movements around the world both from the past and the present day.
He looked at some people like me had political and moral issues without political endorsement such as The Young Pioneers in what was the Soviet Union connected with the Communist Party and then things such as Scouting such as Boy Scouts of America (B.S.A.), GirlScouting and their British parents the Scout Association and Girlguilding UK, posting about and images of members engaged learning useful skills and building up good knowledge that would help the become useful, reliable young people, an asset to their communities.

The username came from the fact all these groups used the neckerchief as a symbol of belonging and all of his posts and comments were very much safe for work, respectful of the young people themselves and not in violation of Tumblr's terms and conditions.
Thus it was a surprise to me to see his account wiped out on Friday when I went to  back up my Scouting Tumblr to blogger which sadly is a must given the arbitrary nature of these things.
The sad thing is they take little action against people who hold despicable material such as child pr0n and yet blogs that are about childhood and often positive about things like boys education, traditional school dress and scouting just get axed.
There are times when I wonder if that sites ultra liberal bias such as summing everyone is a social justice activist fighting for 76 genders, putting gay and transgendered, people on pedestal where being so trumps anything else they do (or have done) supporting extreme climate change demonstrators while allowing anti male posts and memes to be posted has something to do with it.
Are things associated more with traditional social models and gender roles something Tumblr and the Liberals want shut down or at least neutered to comply with the second wave of feminism with its issues with men and stay at home Mums?

Getting it together

Being away got me thinking about something in very much clear cut ways and that's what I'm devoting column space to this week.

One thing that always pissed me off from boyhood was write large in the signage and that was there were three categories of children and even adults, boys, girls and 'disabled' OR later on mens, women's and 'disabled'.

To put it bluntly, the presumption seemed to be that the minute a person had a disability, you also lost your sense of gender identity too as if you acquired a second disability straightaway that while notionally gender neutral in reality was far more feminine like assuming your clothes fastened the same as girls did are your interests were.

You'd struggle to find a Man who'd handle you when it comes dressing, treating you as one of the boys and engaging in male talk with you.

Worst still, even your toilet needs were regarded as female so you never went to the same toilets as boys did, you were always dealt with by females, never men and you had to sit down to go.

I always wanted to piss with the other boys  even if it meant being parked up in the urinals pissing into a bottle, emptying at the urinal and washing my hands in front of every other boy who was pissing too.

That's why I love that sign- it gets it right, disabled boys ARE boys and really facilities like a larger disabled toilet should be in your own genders spaces that you enter like any other boy.

The other thing connected with all of that is how all that plus meddling by various people left me in sense of gender otherness, a malaise when really going back and looking at my more formative years it was more obvious that odd gender untypical interest aside I was very much a boy and happy with and being pushed along other directions had not really done anything for me. 

Quite the opposite actually.

Working from the time I was at asb.org to sorting out old tumblr account to even sorting out an even older music forum account  and just coming out openly as a boy and masculine progress is being made like coming out with the short form of my first name.

That malaise had added own issues like not feeling I could like my own body when you'd been pushed into thinking it wasn't really you.

Well where I was it was a bit hot plus we'd been playing physical games afterward that took my mind a bit to school games and swimming where you'd shower afterwards and in truth I was a bit sweaty.
After all most boys do sweat more by design compared with girls.

After spending a long time disassociating from my body by hiding in a bubble filled bath, decided to take a shower which I wasn't sure over not least for forgetting completely how to use one managed to get it going .

I started to apply the shower gel all over me, torso, legs and intimate parts and then as I looked in the left hand mirror directed the water spray over me as I rubbed into in cleaning myself. 

I made myself look at my body as I worked on my intimate areas rather than averting my eyes realizing I loved my boyish genitalia and it was nothing to feel ashamed over.

I Love what makes me my gender and all it means.

Embracing that and loving myself means no more hiding my gender from anyone and that my sex organs are at core of me.They are me.

Another thing is over the years I have moved much further back in part through the regressive side of me as well as the side dealing all that other mess toward more overtly boyish dress.

It was very obvious during the period I was away, really that is what I feel most comfortable with, it is my second skin as it were not things that made me feel bad about who I really was so anything like that will be going for good from my life.

I feel outside of uniform traditional boys sports shorts and tops is much more in tune with the spirit of what is in me.

I also know I'm a hetrosexual male and this is a good thing so I will stand up for my own sexuality in a sea where only gay or non sexual sexual identities are preferred.

Coming out with being a boy

This week I've been out into town as I had left over from my Birthday a W H Smiths book voucher from a relative who was of that generation which not just bought things from an actual store but also used specialist stores rather than catch all supermarket chains that might say sell a limited range of books and other odds and ends like bags and so on.

The thing about book and most other sorts of vouchers is they can't be redeemed even though their own online stores and when one massive bookstore I loved going into from childhood shut down over a year ago you can't be sure they have in the book you may want whereas just entering it in any online store or site such as Amazon gives you an instant result.

I just headed to the children's section, not that today they label it as such  - you just see the signs, 5-8 9+ and the "Teens" - and gravitate toward the racks and pick up what you need which was two books, one about a ten year old boy evacuee who forms a forms a friendship with a man who takes him in and a book on the story of Harry Kane of Arsenal from boyhood to ace goalscorer. The one thing both have in common is they are about boyhood dreams and hopes.

It was also a week where I made further progress with that site account contributing to a discussion on male underwear in a sub forum where they talk about things that aren't about music and what you use to listen to it.

It wasn't as much how much I had to say about it so much as I affirmed my gender by openly referring to my most intimate attire in front of everyone including female members in a simple matter of fact way.

Metaphorically I took my pants down and let my gender out.

Tearing down some of that malaise from the past, learning to be openly proud of my boyishness and my manhood, to associate with and let others associate you with being male is the progress I am making.

Progress

As Monday saw us enter July, as is my usual want I marked Canada Day (what I was brought up as "Dominion Day") with friends talking away and listening to things.

Things have been going fairly well here where I have worked on my Wordpress Blog versions of my Tumblrs where around late last year and in the first few days of this, They were imported, a fancy term for being copied over as is, from Tumblr to Wordpress using a software tool because of problem of posts being removed and the still real issue of accounts just being terminated at random with no prior warning.
One problem with the importer is it seemed to lose reblogged images and also somehow to have corrupted the database which in simple terms means if wish to edit the post, perhaps captioning it which is usual on a traditional blogging structure you can't cos while it is showing you can't open it up.
This meant spending some time tidying some entries up adding by hand the missing images and where possible remaking posts that couldn't be edited and if a post couldn't be tided up and wasn't necessary as perhaps I had talked about it before, deleting it.
As I mentioned on Friday on the main blog, I now have a Chromebook which is made by Asus for Junior/Prep School boys (and girls) which starts up like lightning and by making it synchronize bookmarks and passwords means no faffing about managing them on two or more machines.
One of the accounts predates my original Tumblr and certain aspects of it reflected the mired world I was in at the time so I remade parts of it such as changing the account avatar from a generic anime image to that of a real boy, using real initials, marking myself down as Male rather than 'rather not tell' and name for the user ID and changing the wallpaper to something more Masculine.
This is matching the changes I made at the music forum where increasingly my posts are become more obviously male having come out as 'male' there too and increasingly I am bonding more and more with men.
One indication of which is I contributed to a off topic thread about growing beards which is something I'd never of done in recent past and where the original poster made reference to wishing to show more of his masculinity by such acts which would indicate in some respects I'm not alone.
The difference in this is for me in that time I was with ASB and joined Tumblr I have learned to embrace my maleness and to increasingly feel confident in asserting my innate masculinity which while I'm shaven I do keep my natural body hair intact and visible and am increasing acting on my masculine instincts.

Masculine mental health

Because I and this blog is unshakably pro male supporting those things that we excel in doesn't mean to say everything in the world of boys is always right and critically because you are experiencing them does not make you any less a male for all that.

There are problems around body self image that effect some boys, worrying increasingly so that lead into issues around anorexia and self harming that may be connected to impossibly unrealistic images of men shown in advertising and 'gym club culture'.

We don't all get a 'perfect' six pack.

Something like one man in nine is abused in intimate relationships by women, many boys are intimidated and bullied by men who are trying to live their own lives through their sons  in sports, careers and religious observance and some women in positions of power routinely put down boys and men in front of their peers.

Abuse need not be physical, indeed abuse by girls and women on males can take the form of mental or psychological cruelty.

As boys and men we can be sexually abused by either men in homosexual relationships or by women and girls so a man or boy can and sadly is raped.

As men and boys we need to support each other dealing with these challenges, listen, reflect and advise where we can.

A boy or man who comes out to his mates about his challenges isn't soft or making a fuss about nothing, he is talking about the pain he feels.

A guy who has the Balls to come out with it has got more guts than any who just passes it off as if it never happened  and is very much a Real Man for it because by doing so he's enabling himself to receive the support he needs to work on how he's effected  and take control of its outcome.

He is a real man, a bloke and we will stand by him.

Cutting loose

Sometimes this blog has entries that are more stream of whatever is on my mind and on other occasions it can be more of a planned piece based certain themes I'd done some research and carefully thought through.

This week I've been dealing with things from the past that required me to make some clear cut decisions over because the 'malaise' I had been suffering from for a number of years had left some unresolved issues.

One was I had at one point been pushed toward more feminine gender expression by people who believed some of my rootlessness was routed having some interests that were more common in females and encouraged me to be more feminine.

That had included having a notebook that went back several years where I was to document all of this but in the last two years I had began to realize this wasn't really helping because I never had a desire to be female being quite happy being a male and in doing so actually by taking me away from what I was more comfortable with, it was leaving me more in gender limbo. 

Far from being misassigned at birth to use the current trans phrase upon coming out of the womb I had been sexed correctly for the penis and testicles I entered the world with.

Whenever I was called a he, a him a boy, a male or man I was not being misgendered, I was being  sexed correctly by society because I wasn't born in the wrong body as some had tried to get me to accept but born already in my true body and they were affirming it.

Sometimes you may wonder if it's more like making a whole new persona to have a restart when you can only change the external appearance within limits and not really the biology or true sex.

The period I spent in specifically ASB/ASG regression back in a all male gender group had enabled me to strip back a lot of those false assumptions as I explored more of my past  and moreover had shown I was increasingly more confident just being a masculine boy even with the odd different interest accepting the rough and tumble world of masculine boys.

I had parked it for quite a period, not knowing really what to do with it but after several months where I'd only glimpsed at it once a month and after talking with Edward about how I had been feeling not least how I felt seeing such content, I decided to ditch it completely.

From around the same era  I had an account at a music forum which under the same influence had a more feminine feel to it either though technically it was gender neutral on that tick box that was troubling me to the point I was reluctant to post  often on it because I felt that person wasn't really me.

I decided to give it a male makeover starting by marking myself down as a male once and for all, changing the obviously girlie avatar for that of a boy, putting "Just A Boy" in the custom title box and re-writing the about bit to make an oblique reference to living in ALB/ASG life with a picture of boys playing with Meccano.

In the week that I have been wearing sports tops and shorts out looking every inch the boy I am and obviously male, I decided to honour my gender by ditching something it simply wasn't and openly acknowledging on one account what I am.

Regendering therapy for me is the best thing that has happened, reconnecting my feelings, emotions and sense of self to my innate masculinity that has room for my needs.

I am no longer prepared to deny, hide or draw a veil over my real gender  but will assert it from now on.

Masculine hygiene

After last weeks provocative entry and some related posts on Tumblr a few people looked at vintage advertisements remarking on how in a changed environment many wouldn't even get published not for anything to do with misleading or false claims something that in this country the Advertising Standards Authority (A.S.A.) deal with but more because of certain attitudes.

It's worth talking about what being male means in  terms of male hygiene because even when I was growing up  it wasn't unknown for some to regarding keeping yourself clean as effeminate behaviour.
Irrespective of contemporary attitudes as boys and men, we're active, we play ball games, rough and tough on the grass, we climb trees and explore holes for the fun of it which means we get dirty and work up a sweat that makes us smell of body odour.
We have no right to inflect that smell and dirt on others so it is our responsibility to remove germ spreading dirt from our bodies and to make ourselves smell and feel fresh so we need to wash and shower ourselves all over as responsible boys and men whenever we get like this.
To do that isn't to be 'sissy'.
We need to use a good soothing soap with a neutral smell that having removed the stale smell of body odour from our bodies leaves us smelling fresh free from anything unnecessary.
We wash in brisk efficient tough way to get the job done and we certainly don't linger for ages in baths taking in flowery smells.
Soups like Lifebouy or Imperial Leather are the best ones for us as our skin Ph factor is actually different compared with females.
No self respecting male should give any countenance to the idea of using flower scented soaps or agents in the bath water never mind the use of thing like Bath Balls as that is just such a feminine indulgence because quite simply if you do loving it you're a namby-pandy sissy femme pansy who really wants to live as girlie girls do.
We wash and keep ourselves clean the masculine way which right for us.

A call to arms

Another day attempting to stay alive in the Manosphere in spite of everything

One thing that really pisses me off on Tumblr is how it is the advertising and features are aimed very much at 'females' wither or not they stick the word boy or girl in with it as if no one who could be described as being male is allowed to exist like it is only a female space and yet they talk so much about being inclusive and supporting gender equality.

You cannot opt out of this advertising  which often has a extreme feminist anti male agenda running through it and to complain about how it's just not scientifically correct to refer to over 75 'genders' some of which are inter species for good measure publically risks having your posts removed or accounts terminated even though they may refer to masculinity as toxic with impunity.

Put it this way, as a person who age regresses for reasons of trauma as well as cognitive issues affecting development, I am exploring and working with my boyhood past channelling  my buried maleness reengaging with it.

I am reading and doing colouring things that are clearly for and about boys and our expression of what it means to be one and asserting my Balls confronting the crap that is being thrust at us.

I KNOW WHAT I AM - AN EFFING BOY - AND I WON'T DENY WHAT MY REAL GENDER IS TO MYSELF OR IN THE PRESENCE OF OTHERS. 

Hard wiring

Seeing there's a bit of time this weekend I might as well use it in connexion with this blog.

This picture taken at the Armed Forces day at the Coldstream Guards says something that while some in society may feel uncomfortable with nontheless has to be which is boys gravitate to what they see as stereotypical interests no matter how much challenging of them they may attempt.

I played with soldiers inventing conflicts using all the weaponry we had even though my Mom thought I was more delicate with quite some aggression.

While I'm for respecting individuals, face it, most boys are hard-wired to playing soldiers, do gravitate to men who are soldiers wanting to be them learning from them how to be the men we will be become.

Thus it's hardly surprising this boy is wearing a camouflage hat and enjoying handling a weapon.
We should be just left to pursue our own genders interests.   

Posterity and changes for the better

Someday's if it were possible to connect the output of my brain to a computer monitor what you would see is something like this which really is where it is and has remained at over these years.

That scene, Chris in the art class trying to paint is one I remember well in Juniors while being given one to one tuition trying take it all in to produce something that could stand alongside my classmates on the class wall before coming home for posterity.

Work is continuing as I mentioned on post 1,700 ish on Tumblr around a plan B for my accounts because much is going on, the false flagging of posts while adult content bots keep following and reposting my stuff that leads to more of the same even though on all I've made it plain anything NSFW isn't accepted and followers who are will be banned.

Moreover, on Chris_minor because that is purely regression based belonging to a minor friendly age regression community it's not just a question of simply being nsfw it's being NOT 18+ content period so pron from any angle is an absolute no.

The plan B is partially done with the content of That Traditional Schoolboy and Chris_minor being imported with a update to bring in newer content and the adding of the ability to change avatars on site rather than using the captured ones from Tumblr.

To me that suggests the site is being prepared for full launch with the ability to make new posts and messaging enabled fairly soon.

It's also been the week my best buddy got axed from Tumblr in what seems to be a recurring spat even though there was never any issues with his posts by someone who had an issue to him posting around the film Sammy Goes South and possibly using that as a username.

Edward taught me a lot as we did message each other regularly talking about what it means to be male which to be blunt is never a conversation any boy or man ever had with me leaving me with the feeling someone cared to step in and call out so much of the stuff in the years between the end of schooling and now I'd just uncritically absorbed especially around how I saw myself.

He helped me found my own sense of masculinity and help it kick back in taking control feeling the testosterone surge within my body  as increasingly it controlled my emotions, feeling disgusted with what I had bought into.

Increasingly I pulled back from opinions I'd given room for seeing that they were really more biased toward female values and even implicit notions of superiority than the interests and needs of males having nothing to really make for co-operative gender relationships which each was respected rather than trampled over.

We saw as in time I'd looked at my own past actually I was never less than masculine, always one of the boys all I needed was some proper male tuition in carrying being  boy and later on manhood from males to counter the female input being cared for by them  and it had to be said their own agendas.

That's what he gave me : The best thing any real man could for another.

Thanksgiving and Tumblr

The week has been and gone pretty much with remaking the Traditional Schoolboy2 being a priority with me and so far I've got over 130 posts on it, redoing the about with a stricter indication of who it's for and that doesn't include sissies and reinstating the original header.
I managed to get a near original url for it too which is nice but as it seems Tumblr do look at certain tags I've decided with some reluctance not to bother tagging posts for that Tumblr and discontinue tagging anything outside of purely regressive alb/asb posts on the main Tumblr.
Talking of which I have got that one tethered to two separate accounts  outside the main one so in the event of my main account being removed, the other two will remain together with the group blog.

Getting more to what I'd sooner blog about on here unlike the other Blog, it's the time of you one thinks of the things and people that have sustained me across the year one has to include God, without him answering my prayers quite simply this blog would not be here because I almost died.
I have to include the people in the local health service who acted swiftly to deal with the infection that was killing me and the follow up work.
Many people have helped across this year and I guess the person I owe much for is Sammy who accepted me as I arrived on Tumblr a bit confused around how I saw myself who supported me as I started to explore my childhood past as we discovered there was very much a boy in one who if a bit different in someways was most certainly masculine and confident in it.
By challenging me and calling out what he considered to be wrong turns he got me to think about how I felt rather than just saying "well some people do" or "Its okay be different" I did not set about copying him but arriving at my own understandings of what is masculine behaviour for me I learned to take control, detaching myself from acquired overtly feminine habits, behaviours and attitudes that had made me feel off. 
Feeling good about being a male and boy is great and that is truly worth being thankful of.

Lessons from being away

The origins of age dysphoria for me being clearly identifiable started around the ages of fifteen and sixteen although if you scratched the surface before you'd spot my 'younger than my years' mindset and a tendency to dress a bit younger than my peers.

This was before much of the confusion and misdirection from others in my life who thought they had a fix for me stepped in .

This was the point a part of my age dysphoric stash of clothes and odd item upon being discovered got removed as my folks thought it was all stuff I'd out grown although really this was more about their pretence I had even grown and their inability to just tell people because of my disabilities I was more of a child.

It may even been seen as shameful.

This week I had the opportunity to test out the extent to which mentally I had left that confusion and being pushed in forms of gender presentation others though more appropriate from the past with friends who had seen both who also are age regressors.

To a point any one can just switch attire and wear it unless it is it triggers a meltdown but it's really more how 'you' you feel in it that matters.

Switching between a more feminine form and a more traditional boys school outfit which were similar and a had a few common items I found myself far more comfortable in my own skin dressed in a  shirt, tie, shorts and grey ribbed boys socks being addressed clearly as a male in public.

It may also of been that this tied to the fact when I first started age regressing it was a that of a top junior around 10 that I went back to and that was whole uniform mode of dress including being able to put a proper school clip on tie on that meant when I did look in the mirror I liked that me a lot.

I looked smart and felt good about being that boy.

I think there's little argument now my engagement to boyhood really is what at the core I always was.

Radiating maleness

While I'm hoping for few hours outdoors when it stops raining I thought I'd post something

Going back to go forward almost seems to be a theme with me in that outside of wearing regular tailored school attire including school shorts, my spare time is also be spent very much in a mode I had recall from parts of my youth

.

That is to say my play attire is to be t shirts and 'classic' sports  nylon shorts with short white socks emphasize my boy status as far removed from young adult sophisticated classic sportswear from the likes of Fred Perry and co.

People say you can't do this or that and be male or female but you own your own personality traits which slot within the context of Gender but my sex is biologically set and determined by my physical body and no attempt at altering how that looks cosmetically changes a thing. 

The rumblings from above can be heard in the gloom at this time in the morning so I suspect we're having the warm very wet day the weather forecasters showed on their slots on tv and radio in the last few days so we can forget footie unless I want to come back covered head to toe in mud and soaked to the skin.

There's always Saturdays to keep up with the days many matches and how knows it may be a bit drier then too so I get out as I had to wait ages yesterday to find a dry twenty minutes or so go out without getting my shorts and socks wet after remembering where I'd put my key.

Lots of people see me about an that, like I even paid the milkman just being the adult with the mind set of that eternal ten year old and they just accept it.

The rush to embrace alternate notions of what you might be can sometimes seen in either the formation of alternative personas, difficulties in working out what is going on and said 'between the lines' if say your are autistic so you see them as "solving" the problem and then people find down that line actually they're still having these problems or they may be experiencing mental illness or distress.

I know what I am.

I haven't felt better in myself for years.

Rainswept reflections on the week

Good morning as I sit atop of my bed in blue pajamas clutching my Gummi Bear typing this all out at this early hour although I did get a good nights sleep in after checking on ASB and having my supper.

Thursday saw me publish a marathon practically blog like post around boyhood on Tumblr and I know you all think the most activity I might do is run and up down the soccer field wildly but actually I can be - whisper it quietly, academic - so I wrote this post about a quarter of which was personal observation and reflection that ties into how I'm changing for having more having more male input but I digress.

I sorted through my more casual play clothing with us getting toward winter where you may need an extra layer in the form of a jumper or sweatshirt on as some of them were past their best and organized replacements which will be coming soon

The weather it has to be said doesn't really seem to know in what season it really is in as while it isn't the fall, although some leaf coverage is lower than usual nor is the summer with temperatures lower and presently much heavy rain having had to be out in it.

Sometimes people - usually females - say why do you go out this time of year in shorts and long socks rather than longs and for one thing the reason is the rain just runs off my legs so doesn't leave them feeling damp next to my skin and which longs when soaked do.

It's also easier to clean my legs of any marks from damp objects like cars or mud off me plus they are less likely to get on my shorts than on longs the would then need to be washed.

Finally after over a week I have transitioned to masculine peeing conventions totally feeling so much better about myself connected to my maleness in doing so.

I will from now only pee in the manner of boys through my shorts and not in the manner of girls because I belong to and have a gender identity which is masculine because I am a boy and that is the standard for me.