Radiating maleness

While I'm hoping for few hours outdoors when it stops raining I thought I'd post something

Going back to go forward almost seems to be a theme with me in that outside of wearing regular tailored school attire including school shorts, my spare time is also be spent very much in a mode I had recall from parts of my youth

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That is to say my play attire is to be t shirts and 'classic' sports  nylon shorts with short white socks emphasize my boy status as far removed from young adult sophisticated classic sportswear from the likes of Fred Perry and co.

People say you can't do this or that and be male or female but you own your own personality traits which slot within the context of Gender but my sex is biologically set and determined by my physical body and no attempt at altering how that looks cosmetically changes a thing. 

The rumblings from above can be heard in the gloom at this time in the morning so I suspect we're having the warm very wet day the weather forecasters showed on their slots on tv and radio in the last few days so we can forget footie unless I want to come back covered head to toe in mud and soaked to the skin.

There's always Saturdays to keep up with the days many matches and how knows it may be a bit drier then too so I get out as I had to wait ages yesterday to find a dry twenty minutes or so go out without getting my shorts and socks wet after remembering where I'd put my key.

Lots of people see me about an that, like I even paid the milkman just being the adult with the mind set of that eternal ten year old and they just accept it.

The rush to embrace alternate notions of what you might be can sometimes seen in either the formation of alternative personas, difficulties in working out what is going on and said 'between the lines' if say your are autistic so you see them as "solving" the problem and then people find down that line actually they're still having these problems or they may be experiencing mental illness or distress.

I know what I am.

I haven't felt better in myself for years.

Progress for the New Term

This whole things seems to have a life of its very own as areas of my life are starting to change rapidly some parts even being literally binned away because of a considerable amount confusion and misunderstanding around who I am and from that my life's direction.

Life for a variety of reasons such as my disabilities, a odd style of parenting that was low on input but high on analysis having its own ideas about defining which boxes I should be in and some issues around gender identification and roles all featured in it

Thus you could fairly describe me as being troubled but more from a troubled childhood raising rather more and that is some of the things I am working through and in the past their have been more enlightened people who saw me as what I am a - a role seeking missile needing attention and tuition - and how did make more of a impact for the better in my life.

In so many ways that boy by the car is 'as old' as I get and sometimes less but for some of problems I have had with gender identities and roles is very much who I am and for the extent to to which I may be at variance help in finding a balance between some of them and the need to 'be' the boy you are in your social setting was more what I needed.

That is a big area I am working on now as some of the confused approaches ultimately didn't work for me and give me no proper sense of gender identity leaving me lost.

The irony was my junior teachers could and did work in their own ways on it so at least I had an identity in the front of my peers helping me to feel good about being a boy - my own sense of boyhood.

Pix credit: Neil Godfrey (born 1937) Resting Dancer, 1987

Bottom lineis devoid of any clothing  I am just like any other male so I am making more of an attempt to find ways of fitting more around this, to be more socially male, while finding the spaces for those things that don't slot so well in that causes the least issues to what actually matters - being one of the boys.  

One area where a combination of disabilities plus a failure to teach social skills was was in toilet training and where now I have learned to pee standing up keeping my shorts and underpants on like every other boy and man which will help with fitting in with male social norms and help me feel more like a boy.

Where there is little benefit to me, some aspects that crept into how I lived are just being discarded wholesale which after these years is almost like discarding a crutch you learned to live with but in reality this is so much better even if you feel emotional taking that step.

Learning to change, to grow up a bit more and to integrate more into the world of boys and men are what I need