Lessons from being away

The origins of age dysphoria for me being clearly identifiable started around the ages of fifteen and sixteen although if you scratched the surface before you'd spot my 'younger than my years' mindset and a tendency to dress a bit younger than my peers.

This was before much of the confusion and misdirection from others in my life who thought they had a fix for me stepped in .

This was the point a part of my age dysphoric stash of clothes and odd item upon being discovered got removed as my folks thought it was all stuff I'd out grown although really this was more about their pretence I had even grown and their inability to just tell people because of my disabilities I was more of a child.

It may even been seen as shameful.

This week I had the opportunity to test out the extent to which mentally I had left that confusion and being pushed in forms of gender presentation others though more appropriate from the past with friends who had seen both who also are age regressors.

To a point any one can just switch attire and wear it unless it is it triggers a meltdown but it's really more how 'you' you feel in it that matters.

Switching between a more feminine form and a more traditional boys school outfit which were similar and a had a few common items I found myself far more comfortable in my own skin dressed in a  shirt, tie, shorts and grey ribbed boys socks being addressed clearly as a male in public.

It may also of been that this tied to the fact when I first started age regressing it was a that of a top junior around 10 that I went back to and that was whole uniform mode of dress including being able to put a proper school clip on tie on that meant when I did look in the mirror I liked that me a lot.

I looked smart and felt good about being that boy.

I think there's little argument now my engagement to boyhood really is what at the core I always was.

Being different but very much a boy

I get tired of people who confuse my sex with my gender as person who is not totally masculine when it comes to gender roles because while there are a handful of traits closer to the feminine my major gender markers are masculine which showed at an early age in my play with war toys, realistic soldier dolls and cars.

I played games with cap guns pretending to shoot people dead and accepted being shot dead and being taken prisoner in rough games loving it.

I owned for a long time Action Man figures playing imaginary war games with them sometimes on my own and sometimes with other boys, buying tons of accessories.

They were my main toy by choice, a clear indication of my boyhood masculinity

Similarly I badgered my mummy to buy me this war comic every week reading it cover to cover intently which if I was a 'softie' I'd never of done.

I enjoy wearing a traditional boys outfit with shorts and long socks as much as I do appreciate the fact I can wear a kilt because I am unquestionably a boy  and a real boy at that not in any way effeminate or a wuss.

Equally I may chose to play from a variety of either girlish or boyish hobbies and interests as I best relate to any and actually in somethings I'm more boyish than a good number.

The thing is that has no bearing on my biological sex which is without a doubt male and doesn't indicate I have an issue with being or being seen as one preferring to be addressed as a boy at all times. 

I am proud to be a boy even if I have had difficulties in reconciling how others see me and that sense of being a male and strongly object to people such as sissies who only see me as like them pansy effeminate weaklings who enjoy being 'forced' into being feminine.

There is nothing at all weak about being me whatsoever.

Getting to the nub of the malaise

 As I said last time it was simples when I was in infants and juniors but things went rather awry.

To really begin to understand where everything starts from you need to understand that exposure to and promotion of a anti male agenda in my teens didn't just mess up my sense of identity as a male but also pushed a unease about my own body image, seeing it as less desirable or even disconnected from my own sex.

You hear the same things today where people argue that sex isn't determined by  hormones and your actual sexual organs but I started recently questioning much of that.

If I took my underpants down you would see the sex organs that are part of my body and everybody present would say inequivalently I am male because I have them and that is after all just what happened when I was born: in no uncertain terms society was told I was a Gender- Boy- and until all this other stuff came in did treat me as one valuing it.

In 2017 then as I start this process of climbing out that malaise we need to go right back to beginning with this:

I am a male because I have male sex organs, which I was born with and have no other sex or gender identity because I have no other parts that are female or in any way indeterminate

I will wear grey short trousers as the boy I am

AND

from now on want to be called and treated as one at all times without exception because there isn't one.